Screenplay Halp

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 1st, 2017, 7:28 pm

Hello people!

I'm doing a retelling of Cinderella for my screenwriting final project. It's set in 1910, and she's a vampire. *dun dun dunnnn*

So...yeah. I have the plot figured out, but I need to flesh out the characters. Help me. XD

I have the prince/milkboy, the stepsister (who's in love with him), the stepmother, and Cinderella. I will add more details in a bit.

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

What's the plot? Interesting character idea, but who is at risk? Whoever is most at risk is who the story is about.

What if she didn't start as a vampire, but the prince was?. No one knows and she looses her slipper that he searches for her. She would join him but he loves her enough to push her away, knowing his curse.

Step mother is a vampire hunter or similar and Cindy has to choose between love and family. She takes the stake meant for him and her step mother lives with the agony that she killed a good girl. Maybe the step-sister is a flapper girl and step mom knows she hurt the "good" one.

The story winds up being about the step mom.

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 1st, 2017, 9:51 pm

That's a neat concept, Dom! However, I already have it all planned out.

The stepsister is the main character, and Cinderella is the villain. It's also post-Victorian, but still pre-flapper.

What happens is that the prince dresses up as a milkboy sometimes to get out of the castle, and falls in love with the stepsister (who is unaware that he is the prince). They have a running joke about how his hat is too small and keeps getting knocked off; one day she asks for the first branch that knocks it off. However, one day he nicks his thumb while at their house, and Cinderella freaks out. She tries to bite him, but is staved off by the stepmother. On the night of the ball the stepsister locks Cinderella up for the night, but because she's inexperienced she does it improperly and Cinderella escapes. Cinderella bites the prince but does not kill him, then returns to her room.
As vampire bites are like drug addictions, the prince becomes obsessed with finding the girl he met at the ball. Cinderella's family catches on, and the stepsister stakes her with the branch given by the prince.

So there's the basic plot. I just need to work on getting from A to B to C etc....

Rachel Newhouse · **Posted:** March 1st, 2017, 11:00 pm

I'm loving this.

I think at this point you should expand the synopsis that you have into a structured three-act plot synopsis. I think if you start plotting out the story with respect to the movie's timing (trying to fill the 3-act structure, which is 90-120 total pages), you will start to see where you need more material, and where you have too much.

I have the perfect method for this... But it takes at least two weeks of study to understand. But you can ask if you're interested.

But there are other people who have developed forms and spreadsheets to help plot a movie with respect to 3-act structure. I've used one that I'm pretty sure is called "The Board," and it's by Synder, the guy who wrote SAVE THE CAT... If I'm remembering this correctly!

Point being, if you find a template of some kind, and plug your major plot points into it, send it to me and I'll help you fill out the rest. I'd really love to help you with this, but it's hard to expand a synopsis into a film, without having some sort of narrative structure, since the timing/length in a film is paramount.

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

In "Story" (Robert McKee), he talks about energy, "good" and "bad". I'm paraphrasing as the coffee is still kicking in...

If things are going "good" at the beginning of the scene, they must end bad or else the scene doesn't change anything. If things are going bad, invert it. Each beat of energy must be "moreso" than the one before so things escalate.

The plot sounds good, the question is, why don't they stake Cindy from the get-go? What is the emotional turmoil that creates the conflict? If the locked up place can stop a vampire they have to know she's one. Why do they let her live, and then decide to kill her?

So far it sounds very intriguing!

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 2nd, 2017, 8:47 am

@lieutenant: it's 5-9 pages XD

@dom: they can't stake get from the get-go because they all live alone together, and people think they abuse her anyway. If she mysteriously died they'd lose their social standing, and since stepmother is a widow that's something they can't afford.

Lady Sparks · **Posted:** March 2nd, 2017, 11:48 am

Wow - that's an interesting spin on the story. So when they do finally stake her, are they going to have to find a good reason to avoid repercussions or will the fact that the prince is involved help with all that?

atpollard · **Posted:** March 2nd, 2017, 2:09 pm

Lady Sparks wrote:

Wow - that's an interesting spin on the story. So when they do finally stake her, are they going to have to find a good reason to avoid repercussions or will the fact that the prince is involved help with all that?

So do you read the end of all novels first?

Lady Sparks · **Posted:** March 2nd, 2017, 3:19 pm

atpollard wrote:

So do you read the end of all novels first?

Only the ones where I'm worried about who survives!

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 2nd, 2017, 7:22 pm

Lady Sparks wrote:

Wow - that's an interesting spin on the story. So when they do finally stake her, are they going to have to find a good reason to avoid repercussions or will the fact that the prince is involved help with all that?

That's part of what I need help with, storywise.

Rachel Newhouse · **Posted:** March 2nd, 2017, 8:50 pm

If you want to PM me the full synopsis, I can probably read it this weekend, hopefully.

When is this assignment due?

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 2nd, 2017, 10:24 pm

It's due in April. We technically haven't had it assigned yet, but I want mine to be perfect so I'm doing as much as I can as soon as I can.

Lady Sparks · **Posted:** March 3rd, 2017, 9:24 am

Yes, sounds like a great idea but I don't think we can be much help without a lot more info. I'd be happy to read anything you like, too.

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 3rd, 2017, 7:09 pm

Okay here's the long post (clips from my brainstorming doc; I apologize for the mess) I was promising y'all please help me XD

Quote:

What are my reversals? Based on Hazel’s actions, what does SHE do that pushes the story forward? Or is it all antagonist-driven in that cinderella is the reason behind everything katherine does, and katharine has power over Hazel?
HAZELHAZELHAZELHAZELHAZEL
We have to open with hazel, actually. Possibly have Josephine in the bg being herself and creepy, then insert a few shots of her action as hazel keeps doing her thing?

Josephine is very good at playing piano because she is from a past era (1800s) in which piano was one of the few things women were allowed to do. Is she playing piano in the background as the milkboy delivers? Does he comment on it? It would be considered odd for a maid, a “downstairs” of sorts, to know how to play piano in the first place. Therefore even if he doesn’t say anything, he should at least look at her a bit oddly. Then hazel could cover for her like “o yes isn’t she good mother bought her lessons to teach her some more modern pieces but she’s had an uncanny knack for it (an ability to play very well) ever since I’ve known her”

Your maid plays very well.
Yes, she seems quite the prodigy. Mother purchased lessons for her since she had such a knack for it, just to teach her some more modern pieces. She really seems to just prefer old classics, though. (does josephine only play things from her era? Anything particularly spooky?

Remember, hazel is the MC - need to follow her actions
Remake:
1
2 set up relationship between hazel and thomas - cuts hand - josephine freaks out
3 given the branch
4 invitation to ball - fail to lock josephine up properly
5 the ball - thomas is bitten
6 obsessed with finding her
7 hazel figures it out and confronts josephine
8 staked with the branch
9
10

Stepsister and milkboy are a thing - how to show this?
Milk boy brings the milk, cuts hand, cinderella freaks out- is staved off by stepmother
Stepmother says they cannot go to the ball, but the man with the invite is insistent - says that cinderella is ill or something and therefore cannot attend
Stepsister locks her up on night of the ball - doesn’t do it well because she hasnt’ done it before
Don’t reveal that he’s the prince right away but give him princelike qualities such as being charming and speaking well etc

Cinderella is an ISTJ - Josephine
Stepsister is ENFJ - Hazel
Stepmother is an ???? - Katherine
Prince is ISFP - Thomas

Can't kill Cinderella because it would cause a scandal among the high society the family is a part of and they'd lose their standing, which they can't afford since the mother is a widow and their land is all they have.

So she's the servant, they lock her up every night, on the night of the ball the stepsister is in a hurry so there's a chink through which she can escape; goes to ball, bites prince, returns home. Prince now like drug addict needing fix of being bitten again; obsessed with finding Cinderella. Stepmother/stepsister now have to save him somehow but struggle with losing their status in society. Though if they do kill Cinderella, prince would marry stepsister out of gratitude/saving the kingdom. Stepmother knows Cinderella's been out when they return because she's sleepy and rosy-cheeked the next day, instead of pale and gaunt like before. Insists she tell her who it was; hears proclamation that prince is obsessed with finding a girl; realizes.

She tries to go after the milkboy, who cuts his thumb on a wire when opening a milk bottle for the stepsister. Staved off by a cross from stepmother/sister. Hence why she goes after the prince; she smells the same blood.

Cinderella’s goal: eat
Stepmother’s goal: protect populace, keep high societal standing intact
Prince’s goal: marry stepsister (hence the ball to bring eligible girls to the castle--going out disguised as the milkboy to see her)
Stepsister goal: marry the milkboy (prince)

Stepsister a bit of a fluttery girl but a good head when she gets down to it? She kills Cinderella to save her love, to reverse the trope of the man saving the woman.

Stepsister closes Cinderella in on ball night but isn't as adept at it as stepmother so Cindy can escape

Rachel Newhouse · **Posted:** March 4th, 2017, 3:24 pm

If I haven't given you feedback on this by Monday or so, stab me in FB messenger, okay, doll?

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 5th, 2017, 3:22 am

*thinks of Doll and Book of Circus when asked about stabbing* ...kay

Oh I should prolly also mention it's a thriller.

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 6th, 2017, 1:08 pm

//AGRESSIVELY DEBATES CHANGING TIME PERIOD TO 1880'S SO I'LL KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 6th, 2017, 1:10 pm

Here's my basic problem: I know all the plot points etc., but I feel disconnected. I don't really know my inciting incident, reversal one, etc., because in my head it's not about the stepsister, it's still about Cinderella.

How do I tell my brain to fix its focusss

*falls into the abyss*

Rachel Newhouse · **Posted:** March 6th, 2017, 1:53 pm

Try rewriting a short synopsis (I'd go for about a page, no more than three--use some detail, but don't go overboard) entirely from the stepsister's POV. It might not be perfectly paced, because you won't have all the scenes in there, but tell the story entirely from her POV. Try to capture the emotional ride she goes through.

Stab and a half?

/semi-obscure reference

Rachel Newhouse · **Posted:** March 6th, 2017, 1:53 pm

Honestly, I think 1880s Victorian vampires would be cooler than modern-day. It felt more like a Victorian story, TBH.

Lady Abigail Mimetes · **Posted:** March 6th, 2017, 3:05 pm

Lt. General Hansen wrote:

Try rewriting a short synopsis (I'd go for about a page, no more than three--use some detail, but don't go overboard) entirely from the stepsister's POV. It might not be perfectly paced, because you won't have all the scenes in there, but tell the story entirely from her POV. Try to capture the emotional ride she goes through.

Stab and a half?

/semi-obscure reference

That is a brilliant idea

Bless you *flies away into the night*

Lt. General Hansen wrote:

Honestly, I think 1880s Victorian vampires would be cooler than modern-day. It felt more like a Victorian story, TBH.

Ahah, it was originally gonna be in 1910. I don't modern. XD

Problem is, I had a bunch of cool lil things to tie in to Josephine being a vampire if it was in 1910....ugh

Lady Sparks · **Posted:** March 6th, 2017, 3:10 pm

1880-1910 seem practically interchangeable to me.

Here's the reply I've been working on for the past hour...

Like Lt. General Hansen said, I'm also thinking since you already have the vague contents of the plot, you should focus on the structure so you can see where things need to be expanded or reduced, etc. You need to nail down the timing - the plot points, climaxes, specific obstacles - what is the inciting incident?

But since you're having a hard time separating Cinderella from it, you need to do some major focusing on Hazel instead. Stop thinking about it being a Cinderella story at all, completely ignore Josephine for a while, and just focus on Hazel - who is she, what does she want, what are her strengths and weaknesses, how is she going to grow or change. If you're still struggling, maybe you need to create some distance from the source story - maybe he's not a prince but his father is Governor of...Virginia? And Hazel is... a southern belle and Josephine is her cousin from...Barbados...who was recently orphaned in a tragic accident... Make it your own and all about Hazel.

Also...

What if Hazel doesn't know the milkboy is the prince right away but the audience does? Depending on the scenes/acts, hiding it from the audience may not flow very well? How much of a "thing" do they have if she thinks he's a lowly milkboy while she is high society? (Reversing the situation in Ever After where he thinks she's a lady only to discover she is not.) What's the reason for the ball? A ploy on his part to set up the big reveal and confess? Only he gets bitten and obsessed either just before or just after the big confession which puts a huge wrench in their HEA? (That part feels a little like Swan Lake with the prince getting decieved by Odile...

) Marrying her out of gratitude seems anticlimactic if they already had a relationship as milkboy? Plus who wants an HEA out of obligation?

Is the audience supposed to know Josephine is a vampire right away? Seems to me the story would be more thriller-like if things are ominous and she's scary but it isn't revealed she's a vampire until the moment she chomps on the prince? Or even trickier, if somehow the reveal is kept underwraps until the big climactic scene which ends in the staking? A thriller needs to have a central mystery so keeping Jospehine as mysterious as possible until the last moment will only strengthen the suspense.

Here's a good article about Thriller structure: http://actfourscreenplays.com/screenwri ... -thriller/

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