"Tell Me More!" Challenge - Merchant

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

Ian's great news is trashed as his girlfriend's new boyfriend pack her stuff; "she'll be happier with a real man". His precognizant college dropout niece shows up as do people who think they should have a very large cut of all the money he's earned. Decorum and propriety are hard to maintain when lasers are pointed at you.

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

Caeli response:

Can you expand on either 1) what his great news is (unless it's to remain a secret for the plot for a length of time), or 2) why/what happened to make his girlfriend choose someone else? His great news is involved with what's at stake in the story, and the love of his life leaving him is also at stake, plus enter conflict with the new boyfriend. (oh and a comma would be helpful between talking about his niece and the baddies, but that's just a punctuation/clarity thing. XD

Quote:
Decorum and propriety are hard to maintain when lasers are pointed at you.

I have no idea where the lasers come in, but for this sentence alone, I would pick up the book.

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

Second draft:

Ian had positively, as fast as was proper for a gentleman, rushed from the starport to Suzanne's apartment. He was busting with the news; his first billion! He was ready to propose! He was not ready for some other guy packing up the last of her things; "Sorry dude, you were never around." He was not ready for a puffy eyed well used hiking boot wearing Karista to do her usual precognizant thing and just show up; "Uncle Ian, I just dropped out of college, got any ice cream?" He was not ready for syndicate musclettes to threaten his fortune. Decorum and propriety are hard to maintain when lasers are pointed at you.

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

Caeli response:

Aw, I love Ian! *roots for him*

I like this one a lot, though there was nothing necessarily wrong with the format on the whole of the first one. (same, btw, as with Akil/Betty's story.)

Again, I really like this one. The only thing I might suggest is to keep dialogue out of it. If it's a summary or a teaser, we're probably avoiding having the characters talk. It's usually a lot more of a distant narrative than that, unless the teaser on the back of the book is an excerpt from the story itself. So, for example, maybe something like "packing up the last of her things with him because Ian had never been around." / "her usual precognizant thing and just show up with the news she had dropped out of college and needed to crash with him." (I love the ice cream bit though, for humor's sake, so keeping that idea in would be great. XD )

Other than that, this one's pretty solid. Tweak it here and there to streamline it, and maybe someone else will come on and disagree with me (which is totally cool, I only have opinions) but I like it as-is.

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

After eighteen months in space, with nothing but time squeezed tea at the high port with Suzanne, young Merchant Captain Ian Domici was ready. His first personal billion banked with the Guild and his first extended short leave papers on file. He was ready to propose to the love of his life; he was not ready to see her new boyfriend packing up the last of her things. He was not ready for his precognizant niece to show up in her worn hiking boots and ask for ice cream. He was not ready for syndicate muscle to demand his fortune. Decorum and propriety are so hard to maintain when lasers are pointed at you.

Domici · **Joined:** December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am **Posts:** 939

A younger Ian.

Rachel Newhouse · **Posted:** January 3rd, 2017, 12:51 am

This is a "Can you expound on..." for me.

You definitely have a strong character and a good set-up. But the synopsis still doesn't sell enough of the story. Actually, the synopsis is all set-up. Guy gets his first billion, life is going great. Then break-ups, needy nieces, and thugs! But then what? What is the story actually about? Does he set off on an adventure to get his girlfriend back? Find himself on the run from the thugs? What is the actual adventure we'd be going on here?

"Tell Me More!" Challenge - Merchant

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