One of the notes from the James Patterson Master class is to share your plot summary with critics. If they say "Tell me more!", you may be on to something. If not, maybe it needs some work.

Simple plan: Put up a 3-6 sentence plot summary. We can respond in three ways: "Tell me more!", "Not feeling it.", or "Can you expand on ...?" If someone votes the latter, expand. Then the voting can resume.

Put one idea per post so it's easier to vote. Vote on everyone else's posts, even if you don't put up your own. Honest feedback is a precious gift to your fellow Holy Worlders.

Akil likes Becky enough to break the law to get their college dorm assignments close together. She thinks he's cute in a quiet and quirky sort of way. Can he handle it when she gets close to the frightening truth?

Twelve year old Jo accidentally reveals her deepest secret to her "pinky promise brother" Mon while his adult mentor Miss Jones is missing in enemy space. Mon's voice is cracking, Jo is recovering from eye surgery, and both of them are six and a half light years from home. Strangers show up asking dangerous questions and the two must find themselves to find their friends.

Ian's great news is trashed as his girlfriend's new boyfriend pack her stuff; "she'll be happier with a real man". His precognizant college dropout niece shows up as do people who think they should have a very large cut of all the money he's earned. Decorum and propriety are hard to maintain when lasers are pointed at you.

Please tell me if I'm misinterpreting/breaking any of the rules of this game or overstepping my bounds.



I would have to say "not feeling it/can you expound on this" for this one, but that's mostly because Romance is far down on my list of genres I pick up to read. Can you maybe expound on the law he breaks to get where he wants, and/or why/how he likes Becky this much? I feel like that could make it more dramatic and compelling, rather than jumping straight to "the frightening truth" because if he just forged some paperwork or some such, no one would feel it be very frightening?



Definitely "Tell me more!" This one sounds really intriguing! If I picked up a novel on the Children's Fiction shelf at the library with this teaser/blurb, I'd definitely put it in my to-be-read stack. That being said, do tell more: who else is missing besides Miss Jones? Also, maybe something a little more hard-core about Mon growing up than just his voice cracking? It's a good character aspect, but not necessarily a plot-driving one, and we all go through much more than that when we're in those big growing up stages.



Can you expand on either 1) what his great news is (unless it's to remain a secret for the plot for a length of time), or 2) why/what happened to make his girlfriend choose someone else? His great news is involved with what's at stake in the story, and the love of his life leaving him is also at stake, plus enter conflict with the new boyfriend. (oh and a comma would be helpful between talking about his niece and the baddies, but that's just a punctuation/clarity thing. XD



I have no idea where the lasers come in, but for this sentence alone, I would pick up the book.

Your feedback is awesome. Okay, yeah, I'm a guy and I get a bit teary eyed sometimes. Gimme a minute so I can see the screen again.

For my own ability to separate thought trains I keep things, well, separate. I'll reply to each in turn,

Caeli scribeth:

I would have to say "not feeling it/can you expound on this" for this one, but that's mostly because Romance is far down on my list of genres I pick up to read.  Can you maybe expound on the law he breaks to get where he wants, and/or why/how he likes Becky this much? I feel like that could make it more dramatic and compelling, rather than jumping straight to "the frightening truth" because if he just forged some paperwork or some such, no one would feel it be very frightening?

To which I respond:

I'm not a heavy romance guy but like to pull in secondary genre's. My usual category is "Action Comedy". In this case, "sci-fi action comedy". Note that Akil and Ian are brothers, and vastly different.

How does this look?

Becky glosses over Akil's walker and sees his wry smile. Akil likes Becky; helpful and wholesome, she reminds him of home light years away. With her the nightmares seem to go away and the universe seems almost normal. You mean there are laws about breaking into the Naval Academy computer systems and "fixing" her dorm assignment? Never knew. But when Becky bakes a cake for their "one month friendship" anniversary, Akil's feelings ignite his despair; can he tell her he's not who she thinks he is, that she's not who she thinks she is, and what she knows to be true is not, in fact, so true after all?

o.o *gives tissues*

That's okay. Doing box quotes works nicely once, but it gets messy after that.

I'm gonna go dig up some of my own summary/teasers to post...

(Since we're talking mostly about yours, I'll leave these in one post and anyone can grab each snippet to comment on separately if they choose.)

Lieshellyk City comes undone when a thief girl and the grandson of its founder form an alliance to discover the truth behind the city's construction, and that of the Stormings which keep them bound inside its dark corridors.

(and the sequel)
Challenges have been shouted to a deadly enemy and the small village of the Turquoise People faces the threat head on. Standing in the way of the enemy are a handful of rebels, an army of mechanical animals, an imprisoned boy, the son of a traitor, a madman, and a reforming thief. The storm has passed, a battle has been won, but the war has barely begun.

(completely different story)
The Carousel holds the magic of another world, where an old enemy waits in silence to turn a great tool into a horrific weapon. A team of misfits and strangers set out to rescue one of their own and reclaim the Carousel—to save a realm of mystery with the aid of a crusty old Rider, a book-loving girl, and the greatest tales any storyteller ever told.

(last one)
When an alchemical phoenix apprentices a young lad to his trade, he also sends the boy on a desperate search for the cure to a plague which terrorizes all the fire creatures—before the disease spreads and all those who depend upon it, including the phoenix himself, die. Before the fire goes out forever.

Expanding on Ian, he's a harder character to write. Think genteel and proper Englishman in far future space. During the story you find out he's from a dirt poor family, didn't learn to read until he was thirteen, and is a business prodigy. And, of course, adopted by a hero.

Does this look better?

Ian had positively, as fast as was proper for a gentleman, rushed from the starport to Suzanne's apartment. He was busting with the news; his first billion! He was ready to propose! He was not ready for some other guy packing up the last of her things; "Sorry dude, you were never around." He was not ready for a puffy eyed well used hiking boot wearing Karista to do her usual precognizant thing and just show up; "Uncle Ian, I just dropped out of college, got any ice cream?" He was not ready for syndicate musclettes to threaten his fortune. Decorum and propriety are hard to maintain when lasers are pointed at you.

I'm hoping we talk about everyone's.



No romance? Expand: What's the personal reason these two get involved with the problem? Why them?



Tell me more!



Tell me more! Main caveat is that the "unbelievable power" needs to be unique to this story.



Tell me more!

Okay, just to clear up my own confusion: All your posts/teasers are for separate books/stories, correct? And Ian and Akil's stories are just connected/maybe a series and they're brothers? I panicked for a second, thinking maybe all the summaries were actually for one story? XD




This is definitely more informative, and Akil is an interesting character I'd love to explore in a novel. I think it's definitely edging more into teaser/blurb than summary here - not a bad thing, if it's what you want. It's in more of a narrative form, which is good for a teaser, but often considered too directly detailed for a summary. (dude, I hope that's not confusing... )

The middle part is almost a different tense. "You mean there are laws... Never knew." This sounds like Akil speaking, rather than you the writer telling us what the story is about. Only other thing, I would suggest maybe keeping the first sentence to Akil's perspective, so we know we're talking about him and seeing what he sees, instead of focusing on Becky.

Some simple change like "Akil knew Becky was special when she barely noticed his walker, and matched his smile instead." (That's dreadful, but hopefully gives you an idea what I mean?) And then just "The Naval Academy's law didn't matter to him when it came to making sure the computer system assigned their dorms close to each other." (Again, poorly done, you know your story a thousand times better than I do, but does it make sense?)

I definitely like the ending of this one better, too. Gives it a little more mystery, a bit more of a hook.

Aw, I love Ian! *roots for him*

I like this one a lot, though there was nothing necessarily wrong with the format on the whole of the first one. (same, btw, as with Akil/Betty's story.)

Again, I really like this one. The only thing I might suggest is to keep dialogue out of it. If it's a summary or a teaser, we're probably avoiding having the characters talk. It's usually a lot more of a distant narrative than that, unless the teaser on the back of the book is an excerpt from the story itself. So, for example, maybe something like "packing up the last of her things with him because Ian had never been around." / "her usual precognizant thing and just show up with the news she had dropped out of college and needed to crash with him." (I love the ice cream bit though, for humor's sake, so keeping that idea in would be great. XD )

Other than that, this one's pretty solid. Tweak it here and there to streamline it, and maybe someone else will come on and disagree with me (which is totally cool, I only have opinions) but I like it as-is.

Oh, me too! I was just trying to be less distracting to the matter at hand.



There is, arguably, a hint of romance between the two main characters, but it isn't a plot driver. I like romance in a story, just not as the point I'm driving home by telling it.

Trying...?

Lieshellyk City comes undone when a thief girl who sees its deepest secrets and the founder's grandson who can touch its power form an alliance to discover the truth behind the city's construction, and that of the Stormings which keep them bound inside its dark corridors.
(sentence is a bit long and unwieldy, but more detail about the characters)

Well, you *did* ask...Note that the Ian and Akil blurbs have not been updated yet. For connections:

Marco adopted Tala, Ian, and Akil. Alba is Marco's eldest by birth child. Karista is Tala's adopted daughter.

Alba "Al", is on the team with Wilbur, Gray (See "New Dad"), Jo and Mon (of the other story).

Ben Webb ("Pirate") is Gray's dad.

Angeline Harbok ("Detective") was a ward of Marco's dad.

The Domici War: Concepts

1416 Series, SciFi for adults

Marine “History records great events for posterity’s sake. Historians often gloss over the confusion and sheer terror of being in great events. Lance Sergeant Marco Domici was on a clandestine mission to destroy a major defensive weapon on the planet Biter. Then he saw starving children and dying friends. He, and Biter, will never be the same.”

Psion “Tala’s family loves her. Others fear her. It’s hard to get a prom date when you can kill with a thought.”

Pirate “Ben Webb met his match in beautiful Lily Marston. All they needed for eternal happiness was to end a war, free some slaves, and ignore social convention. And have a chat with her husband.”

Detective “Kicked off the force and just now finding out her supposed ex never filed the paperwork. What do you do when you just can’t go shoot some deserving soul?”


1429 Series, SciFi for Tweens

The Case of the Missing Watch

Alba “Al” Domici trains hard to be special but soon special gets redefined in a big way!

Twelve year old Alba “Al” Domici quotes Sangrean Games stats easily and practices shooting as often as possible. With family money in short supply Al hopes to earn one of the two scholarship spots on the District Team. Al is sure she and her friends can solve the stolen watch mystery, get the reward, and buy Al a better rifle. Even her best friend Wilbur balks at Al’s attitude.

Al’s dad doesn’t understand. She alienates her friends. The rich kids on the District Team have everything Al wants. Then strange people show up knowing about Al’s family, her dad may be a hit man, and her friends say punching a guy who gives you a kiss on the cheek is a bad thing.


Dad

Gray is cast out of the boardroom and into the muck of an old freighter's engines while Wilbur offers up his life for his friends.

Gifted

Twelve year old Jo accidentally reveals her deepest secret to her "pinky promise brother" Mon while his adult mentor Miss Jones is missing in enemy space. Mon's voice is cracking, Jo is recovering from eye surgery, and both of them are six and a half light years from home. Strangers show up asking dangerous questions and the two must find themselves to find their friends.


1430 Series, SciFi for Young Adults

Rogue “Akil pulled into college a few years late, or so the in crowd said. The also laughed at his bruised face and pained walk. Becky thought he was cute. Really weird, but cute. If only she had known! Life might have remained as boring as she liked it.”

Merchant “Ian just got the news; he had made his first billion! His girlfriend hadn’t stayed around to find out, his art student neice ran away from college to visit, and some folks thought his money belonged to them. Trade and Commerce with a side of Interplanetary War.”

Better, but still, why do they care? Why can't thief-girl hit the road to someplace else like most thief-girls? It's past my nappy time, but I wanted a shot at this.

"Xandia sees all Lieshellyk's secrets save one; who she really is. Chance ignites an alliance with Piotor; Founder's scion whose blood boils with the magic of Lieshellyk. Piotor needs the secrets of the Stormings to save his city; together they face the Darkness that binds them inside."

Not great, but you see what I mean?

XD Yes, okay, I see now. Different stories, but all intertwined. That makes sense and clears up my confusion, thank you!

I think the summaries as you have them are an awesome start, I wouldn't add anything to what I've already said. Also, I frankly love your mild/dry sense of humor in little snippets here and there. XD

*nods* Having hers and his reasoning in there is a good idea. This particular summary was written more as a logline. I think that thread has been archived, but for a while there was a discussion post here vaguely similar to this one in some ways, but more along the lines of boiling your story down to its very core elements in a single sentence. It helped me realize what aspects of the story were most important in some ways, but can lead to others being neglected in representing the plot.

So, alternatively:

"Reise is a professional thief from the slums, stealing sunlight to save the lives of those living the darkness of Lieshellyk City's base. When one of her jobs lands her directly in the path of Heron, the rich and empowered grandson of the city's Founder, she must convince him that the Stormings are not all that their people need saving from."

?

I think this is an awesome idea, guys! But may I suggest--everyone should put each individual pitch in a separate thread. You can make the titles of the threads in the format: "Tell Me More Challenge: Book Title" - and put the challenge rules at the top of every thread. I say that because when multiple people are sharing pitches and comments are going back and forth, it's really hard to try the conversation and jump in. But this is a great idea, so I think if you separate it into threads, you'll get more participation. (I know I'd comment in that case.)

I was just thinking the same thing. I'll let Domici format the threads if he wants to, since it's his wonderful idea.

I'll work on that in just a bit, thanks for the idea and the vote of confidence!