I can give you a look at what OCD is like. I had it really, really bad as a teenager. I am mostly over it now, but I still have occasional times where a form of it grips me.
I didn’t even know what was the matter with me then. I thought I was the only person like me. It wasn’t util years later that I found out that there was even a name for my condition.
I basically spent my days in fear and obsessing over things. I would wash my hands over and over and as thoroughly as possible, sometimes even up my arms. I would check locks repeatedly to make sure they were really locked. Even then, I’d often come back later and check again. Washing dishes was a nightmare for me.
I couldn’t sleep at night because I had so many things I felt needed checked. The awful thing was, I
knew they were fine, but I
had to check them. It was as if I didn’t own my mind. I was constantly in the grip of fear. The worst part was I was also very afraid that God was angry with me, either for being so “faithless” or for any little thing I did that I thought might be sinful. Often I wanted to die, but was too afraid of hell. So, I lived in a living hell. My parents didn’t know what was wrong with me. And I even got in trouble with them for my obsessing, which only added to my overburdened conscience. (Not trying to blame them for anything. It’s just the way things were.)
I became afraid of almost everything.
Then at 22, I got married. My husband was so patient with me. He didn’t know why I worried over the things I did, but he never bothered me about them. It was because of his stable influence that I actually was able to work through things.
I learned that my feelings and conscience lied. I learned not to trust them. (Most people can trust their feelings and conscience.) Rather I had to trust a reality outside of myself and what I did or didn’t do. I learned it was ok to be human and make mistakes. It was ok if I wasn’t perfect. God’s love for me wasn’t based on how I felt or what I did, but on the reality of how He viewed me. I learned that when He looked at me, He didn’t see me or my sin or imperfections, but instead His perfect, sinless Son.
I always feel badly for characters in movies or books that are under the grip of a mental disorder. To be a prisoner in one’s mind is lonely and frightening. No one understands and often people take offence. At best, they think you’re weird.
I still have times where irrational fears overtake me. Often I don’t even know it’s coming. Just all of a sudden, I feel like I’m in danger or something is so wrong that I get queasy and lightheaded. Nothing brings it on. It just happens. Although, lack of rest greatly aggravates things. When your mind is already short circuiting, so to speak, being tired makes it that much worse.
I never had help from a therapist or doctor in dealing with OCD. I had to work through it on my own. I am now 25, still married, and have my own baby girl. I believe most disorders can be dealt with so one can lead a fairly normal life. I’ll probably always have some miswiring in my head, but it’s not more than I can bear, and I am very thankful for my life just as it is.
Hope that helps anyone who needs to understand a bit of what it’s like to have a mental condition (and learn to live with it).
And I’ll happily answer any questions.
