In anticipation of promoting my first volume of Comic Relief stories that is posted on this forum (40 stories, 50,000 words), here are my favorite quotes from it (Note: They're all fictional.) These are just the one-liners. I think the best humor requires a buildup.
“Try to act normal for once.” – Mom
“You’re just eleven, so you still need to have my permission to do idiotic things.” – Mom
“I was scrambling the eggs, and I accidentally dropped the burnt toast in them. Then I put baking soda in instead of salt, so I used ketchup to hide the flavor…” – Dad
“Greenish black and blue rednecks!” – Dad
“For Sale signs are incessant liars.” – Dad
“You’re always the one saying that viewpoints are worthless but the wildlife is priceless.” – Dad
“I have a funny nose, eh? I happen to like my nose. I’m very sensitive about my nose. I think it’s a great nose…” – Uncle Charlie
“Nah, it’s just a…just a…just a scrAAAAAAAAAAAATCH!” – Uncle Charlie
“Sure! I’ll have to sneak out of the house, ‘cause I’m grounded right now. I’ll be there at six tomorrow morning.” – Joe Blythe, cousin
“According to Mom, I’ve already racked up over twelve hundred years of grounding time.” – Joe Blythe
“AH’VE GOT A MORON ON MAH TEAM!” – Jesse Sawyer, mountain man
“It’s a wunnerful thang, fishin’. It’s the most lazy sport thar is.” – Jesse Sawyer
“Ah was surprised that ye got yer hook in the water on jist the third try.” – Jesse Sawyer
“Everyone ketchers a tree now an’ then. Spell, even Ah’ve ketchered some trees.” – Jesse Sawyer
“If thar’s one thang gals like most, it’s birds ‘n’ flahers. Ah had a gal dog once. She loved birds ‘n’ flahers. Birds fer dinner, flahers fer dissert.” – Jesse Sawyer
“Everone makes mistakes, Matt. The trick is to make yer mistakes when nobody’s watchin’.” – Jesse Sawyer
“Yes, Mr. Lauser, do you have something important to say this time?” – Mr. Steinfeld, high school science teacher
“Cut open the frog!” – Mr. Steinfeld
“Matthew, I am returning this otherwise fine piece of paper to you because someone has scribbled gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” – English professor
“I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Doc Wharton, mechanic
“Yer ten seconds late!” – Peter Kyte, large farmer
“If it won’t come out o’ the ground, it’s a weed. If it does, it’s a good plant an’ ya’d better git it back in fast afore I catch ya!” – Peter Kyte
“I’m not payin’ ya to stand there ‘n’ breathe!” – Peter Kyte
“Your hat doesn’t have any mud on it.” – Stretch Wheenie, best friend
“If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, don’t even think about it.” – Stretch Wheenie
“You are the total opposite of sensitive and charming.” – Stretch Wheenie
“Wow! That’s going to make one awesome scar!” – Stretch Wheenie
“I had that buck for sure, but Mrs. Platterson scared it off when she stepped out of her house and screamed. Heck, she scared me so bad I almost caught up to the buck somewhere around Switchblade Peak.” – Stretch Wheenie
“You can’t expect a guy to know about building a raft if his parents have constantly been telling him not to build one.” – Stretch Wheenie
“Stop the monkey!” – Stretch Wheenie
“I’ll never be a monkey’s uncle again…never…” – Stretch Wheenie
“It’s a footprint all right. But what sort of footprint is it?” – Merlin Sinker, oblivious rich guy
“You’re always giving people slimy presents.” – Jenny Redstone, classmate and future wife
“You are the weirdest person I’ve ever known!” – Jenny Redstone
“You’re going to get in big trouble, buster.” – Jenny Redstone
“Hi guys. Did you catch that fridge doing something illegal?” – Tory Martin
“What’s Brutus done this time? If he punched somebody, I’ll be glad to pay fer the funeral.” – Farmer Hogget, large farmer
“My dog is really smart. He can feed himself, use the toilet, and even change light bulbs! And if you tell him to do a trick, he’ll get out a top hat and a deck of cards.” – Balt Whaleman, Stretch’s cousin
“Everyone knows the mold always grows on the south side of the sandwich.” – Elliot Hiccup, weird character
“Thanks for the milk and the weird lecture.” – Elbert, eight-year-old son of the mayor
Matt (The main character...essentially me):
“There is a direct relation between the number of golf balls you lose and the decrease in your IQ.”
“No hunter worth his double-barrel twelve-gauge shotgun would be seen even thinking about golf.”
“My guess is that the Russians bombed our chicken coop.”
Madmen are safer than many things that go snap in the night.
“What’s a nude? Is it some sort of animal?”
“It is dangerous for us because we are going there.”
“Stop wearing that expression of hatred. It attracts the alligator.”
Judging from the number of changes of socks and underwear Mom told me to pack, I figured we’d be gone for at least four years.
“You’re screaming like a little girl, while I’m screaming like a man.”
“It’s too bad that some people are so wrapped up in TV, video games, and other evil rituals that they never have a chance to visit the great outdoors.”
Any ten-year-old who offers of his own accord to do the dishes should arouse suspicion.
Mom learned how to grow wilted vegetables that looked like they had already been digested by whitetail deer.
“It takes a long time to fill up the pail with sour berries, especially when most of them are ripe.”
“I just hate cutting up dead animals. It gives me the creeps.”
I have always had a strong fascination with the insides of living creatures.
“You know what a joker I am.”
“I haven’t come across anyone who can stand my body odor.”
Even the town mayor claimed to have seen it, although it is rumored that there was alcohol involved.
“A dead fish is nowhere near as foul as your socks!”
“Mix mountain air and worm juice with women and you’ve got the makings of a bad time.”
“You’re downwind of a mountain man. Jesse doesn’t believe in baths…or showers, for that matter.”
I spent the rest of the day thinking about how I could obtain two thousand dollars in a couple weeks without ending up in jail.
The car packed a very satisfying punch when speeding up, but I soon discovered that the punch when slowing down was somewhat lacking.
I understand now that Stretch enjoyed infuriating me, which answers a lot of questions.
For the most part, however, I was worried because something large and furry was perusing the camp menu. The entrées, regrettably, had run out, and the only thing left to eat was the chef.
Sometime during the night I awoke with the realization that I was cold. So cold, in fact, that I was covered with goosebumps the size of Canadian geese.
“I wouldn’t eat it if my life depended on it. In fact, my life would probably depend on me not eating it…”
“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“Everything was wild back then. It was great, and I miss it. Nowadays everything is freeze-dried, canned, miniaturized, air-conditioned, disposable, propane-heated, bug-proofed, foam-padded, and civilized.”
“If camping is just as easy as living at home, you might as well stay home and cook individually frozen burger patties over your propane stove on the back porch.”
“Freeze-dried insects don’t pack quite as much crunch as their fresh counterparts.”
I have often been accused of being a cynical Libertarian. I find that title demeaning and absolutely incorrect. I am a cynical Libertarian humorist, and the difference between the two is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug, to quote another famous cynical humorist.
“Santa himself is a sadistic and cantankerous old geezer with a personality similar to that of Ebenezer Scrooge. His only reason for running such an operation is that he is paid off by the U.S. government with billions of taxpayer dollars.”
“Santa’s so-called elves are semi-retarded midgets with the communication skills of parrots and tempers shorter than their deformed pinky toes.”
I soon came to realize that when a science teacher’s eye twitches, you’d better have brought your lunch from home.
After finishing the poll, Stretch and I discovered that thirteen out of every ten people in our area enjoyed fishing.
“Do I look like a mentally deranged person?”
“That is someone’s house cat. I think it was taunted by the chickens and balked into crossing the road. Then I came along…and I decided to practice my taxidermy on it.”
“Nowadays they have these little economy cars that can’t drive over worms without messing up the suspension.”
The hulking brute approached us and looked me over with a rare species of expression that had last been sighted on the face of the local butcher.
With a grunt the Indian grabbed the back of the ATV. I held back a scream, waiting to see if he was really going to do anything harmful before I made a fool of myself.
“I can’t stand the city. It’s so noisy and smelly all the time, you can hardly hear yourself think. Out here it’s always so peaceful. Just listen!”
Stretch emitted some explosive profanities. It was so bad I was afraid the soap would spontaneously fly into his mouth, but then I remembered Stretch didn’t own soap. Lucky for him.
“The reason I ask is because Sheriff Tory showed me a wanted poster of a midget who’s going around peddling stolen zoo animals.”
“You are approaching the edge. Nobody cuts my hair short and gets away with it!”
I think I put it as Shawn and Jay because that is where I originally came up with the line. I think I'll fix that... 
It was just so good that I had to use it. A lot of my one-liners come from family, friends, and joke books. I customize and personalize the jokes.
Tell me I'm not going crazy guys!