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 Post subject: Penalty, Chapter I
PostPosted: February 22nd, 2012, 8:57 pm 
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Chapter I
“Hofwu, your message is in this bag. We’ll be expecting you in about ten days.” The old Aeloo handed his companion a small woven seaweed pouch. “Do you still wish to complete this? We can get a regular soldier instead...”

Circular shadows lay on the ocean floor, five times larger than the objects casting them; a massive sphere swaying in the liquid air. The organic structure, green and almost rubber-like, was connected to many thin, shaky tentacles of this plant matter.
Sunlight permeated the organic sphere, letting tiny rays of dulled light into the abode of one angry council of Aeloo sea-people. They were all leaving, swimming away to their homes, except two people, who floated in the doorway of the sphere. They talked in hushed voices, weird and fantastic to humans, but very smooth and eloquent sounding.

“Sir, I must prove myself to the older ambassadors. It is the only way I can be accepted among them. ” Hofwu took the pouch, hanging it around his waist. “Good bye, sir.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

Hofwu swam away, leaving a narrow stream of bubbles in the swirling waters. He dove to the ocean floor, where no sunlight touched the plants and animals that lived there, and swished through a small circular opening in the underwater cliff. Inside, tiny orbs hung from the ceiling, giving off a trembling red light, flickering and swaying with every movement.

Many tunnels branched off the main one, leading to homes, shops, and forts, but mostly shops in Hofwu’s area. He turned to the right, and left the bright red light for a dimmer, orange glow which did not flicker; only because the orbs were embedded in the walls. After a mile or so, he began to notice that the tunnels didn’t look right. Then, with a shudder, he noticed that some tunnels that should have been there were gone!

Panic set in, and Hofwu raced back through areas he’d been in before, areas he hadn’t, and areas which he shouldn’t have ever seen. But the tunnels still looked so unfamiliar...Gradually though, reality overtook panic, and Hofwu studied the situation.

Trying to determine a path among the ten thousand tunnels inside this cliff could be compared to trying to find one golden straw among ten thousand other regular straws. And the tunnels were identical in shape and size; no one knew how they got there or how long ago, just that they could be confusing.

So, without any side thoughts, Hofwu tightened the strap on his pouch, and returned to a great cavern he saw down one passage. He swished and swished until he flipped around, and slid into the dark cavern. It had dying orbs inside, no one moving around, and an unusual amount of red coral.

It’s a graveyard. Thought Hofwu, glancing at small squares of parchment attached to the red coral. No one’s been down here in ages too, must be one that’s all filled up! Another frightening though flew through his mind. So no one is coming back. Not ever.

Suddenly, every dim shadow became sharper and seemed to move when Hofwu didn’t have his eyes on them. The thin, trailing sea vines became dreaded monsters, and the tiny fish were massive sharks! Terrified, Hofwu swam out of that cavern like the plague was coming. But once he left that place, he chastised himself for being frightened, as the objects in there couldn’t hurt him. Returning to the cavern, he saw just barely, a dim opening leading into another passage.

Hoping that the passage would bring him closer to his goal, Hofwu swam around tall grave pillars, and then cut the seaweed which had grown over the entrance. A small stone panel guarded the rest of the tunnel, but with some pressure, he pushed the door open.
In a flash, water roared from behind him, filling the open space. It shoved Hofwu along, pulling an tugging at his clothes like lions! Although he tried, no amount of swimming could bring him back into the cavern of graves. Nor was he able to open the door again, the door which brought all that water rushing towards him. It had closed under the current, and there was no mechanism that could open it.
The current gradually slowed, and Hofwu drifted down to the door. Made of solid granite, and operating with iron levers, the door had been shut when a rusty lever gave way. The lever wasn’t to be found. I never should have come this way. Hofwu shouted in his mind.

Doing what any reasonable person must do, he spun around, and swam up the curving tunnel. It lead straight up in two places, he found, and down in two more. Like a valve. He thought. It was meant to keep something dry.
A slight tremor shook the passageway. Hofwu halted, and waited until the tremor passed. Then, another roar of water came, and he was bounced around in the series of bends, and he landed on dry ground. No way back, no way around, just forward. The tunnel now lacked water, so Hofwu was forced to walk, the way the Aeloo can walk; a snake-like motion, comical to most people, and horribly embarrassing to Hofwu.
The tunnel was dry as outer space, except little pools of bubbling water which steamed and smelled like sulphur. A volcanic tunnel. Was the first thing that came into Hofwu’s head. Bending down, he tasted the water. Disgusting. The water, although clear, tasted as bad as it smelled, a hot, burning flavor of lava. Not fit for drinking, however thirsty Hofwu became.
As time went on, his hunger grew. He’d not planned for walking slowly in a tunnel reeking of sulphur, carrying a bag which might change the world. Well, he had planned on carrying the bag, but not walking. Surely this tunnel has to open up soon! Hofwu thought, gasping for breath.
Finally, he reached a cavern. The hot, steamy aroma grew, and Hofwu found himself looking at an empty pool, still steaming. Stalagmites dripped cooling lava, and the idea sprouted that he’d reached the caverns holding lava, which boiled at night, causing darkness to fall.
At one end of the cavern, dozens of tunnels lead out in different directions, while straight up, a massive hole let some sunlight in from miles away. Hofwu settled down by a large mound of rock, exhausted, and soon fell asleep.

{**}{**}{**}{**}{**}{**}

An icy cold feeling spread over Hofwu, and he jerked awake. Water rushed in from the roof, sweeping him along with it. The other tunnels were filling with water, and he could enter them! But the water continued to pour in, and Hofwu was shot through the closest tunnel.
His speed picked up, and Hofwu panicked again. Swimming against the current, he found no escape, but wore himself out quickly. After some time, he just waited with the current, letting it take him wherever it chose. Sleep once again overtook him, with the gentle sloshing noise of waves...

{**}{**}{**}{**}{**}{**}

Hofwu found himself lying on soft sand. The water flowed around him, about two or three inches deep, and was rising. And yet sunlight poured around him. Hofwu stood up, and looked around him, taking in the sight. He was in the middle of wetlands, standing in soft, muddy sand, and the lake’s borders were increasing slowly, but probably not dangerously enough to be concerned about. After tasting the water and deeming it safe, he drunk from it. Then, remembering his pertinent job, Hofwu started off.

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 Post subject: Re: Penalty, Chapter I
PostPosted: February 24th, 2012, 4:09 pm 
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I like it. Very well done. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Penalty, Chapter I
PostPosted: February 24th, 2012, 4:35 pm 
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I love this so much!! A bit confusing at times but the AMAZINGNESS of it trumps that!!! LOVE IT!! :dieshappy: :dieshappy: :dieshappy: :dieshappy: :dieshappy: :dieshappy: :dieshappy:

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 Post subject: Re: Penalty, Chapter I
PostPosted: February 24th, 2012, 9:18 pm 
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I edited some typos as I read (I'm very bad at remembering to tell people about them as I go...). The second paragraph was a little confusing, as was the statement about the fish becoming sharks. The lion metaphor was good but I think another creature would be more apt for this setting. You might want to be careful with using the exclamation point outside of dialogue too. I think words can be much more powerful than punctuation. Okay, now that all that business is over...

I thought the story was great. :D I instantly got a great picture of a tropical community. All the settings were very easy to imagine and the journey seems both amusing and interesting. I like not knowing what he is doing and why, but I was somewhat confused when he got lost and lost some more but still seems to know where he's going. *goes to find chapter 2* It's definitely engaging. :D

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All resemblance to persons, people, friends, relatives, quotes, cultures, artificial intelligences, inside jokes, pets, unclaimed personalities, sentient objects, extra-terrestrials, inter-terrestrials, and draperies living, dead, undead, or comatose in any of my work are purely coincidental, incidental, circumstantial, inadvertent, unplanned, unforeseen, and unintentional. There's seriously no way I was referring to you. Honest.

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The Queen's Knave
Polarians
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 Post subject: Re: Penalty, Chapter I
PostPosted: March 26th, 2012, 1:06 pm 
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This topic has been locked as the information in it has become outdated.

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