I've written the premise for my current novel, Penalty. Below is it in unedited form, for you people to pick apart and give feedback on.

Ilakiool is on the brink of war. The Aeloo nation, angry because Ilakiool uses the Sheniolaens as slaves, has just declared war on Ilakiool. Hofwu, a young military ambassador, travels to Ilakiool with the message of war. However, upon seeking a shortcut, he loses his way...

Meanwhile, Ecknozkoon, a Sheniolaen slave, escapes from a blacksmith shop. He too, loses his way, and soon is wandering through the forest. During his trek to escape the forest, he lands in a pit-style bear trap, and he cannot get out...

Etattadix, a Toxati, lives in that same forest where the Sheniolaen lies helpless on the pit bottom, hunting down some rabbit for his family. He nearly falls into the trap himself, but is able to rescue the endangered Ecknozkoon. Etattadix takes the Sheniolaen to his treehouse, where Ecknozkoon stays to recover from various injuries.

Hofwu, waking up on the shores of a lake, decides to find the nearest government building, and deliver the news. After trekking through a dense swamp, he arrives at a road--where Etattadix has just come around the bend. After a brutal meeting, the two make a mutual alliance, and Etattadix takes him to the town. Along the way, he manages to squeeze out what Hofwu’s errand is. In shock and anger, Etattadix wrestles Hofwu to the ground, and is determined to keep him from ever reaching the city, even if Hofwu must be kept under guard his whole life.

Meanwhile, the Sheniolaen slave leaves the tree house, sneaks along to the road, wishing to escape the country before nightfall. He discovers the argument, and rescues Hofwu from Etattadix’s plans. Etattadix explains that his brother, Etavke, will join the army if war breaks out, and he must prevent the war at all costs. Ecknozkoon, ashamed and annoyed that two countries would have fought over their race like a resource, wants Hofwu to return to his ocean, and never come back, while Etattadix must leave Hofwu alone while he leaves.

The climax is when Hofwu escapes from his bonds, and flees to the city. He informs the government of war, then quickly escapes to the water. However, he discovers that the exit is closed, and so he pouts on the lake’s edge. It is there that Etattadix finds him, and tells Hofwu that his family knows some overseas merchants. Hofwu will take a ship to the sea, and find his way back from there.

However, the war brings Etattadix’s family into danger, as rumors of fugitives and ambassadors hiding out in the forest sends hundreds of soldiers to discover the truth. Etattadix’s parents make a quick decision; to leave the country on the merchant ship, until the war passes.

They hide aboard the merchant ship, whose captain has no objection to them, except they must not be found under any circumstances. The soldiers were under orders to search all vessels leaving the country, and Etavke was one of the soldiers! He, upon finding the ship with Etattadix, Ecknozkoon, and Hofwu onboard, calls the authorities after a struggle of emotions. But by that time, the merchant vessel had sailed away.

The family resettles on an island, and stays there until the war ends. Etavke dies during the war, and the country is in turmoil, as they were now under Aeloo control. The family’s only job is to come back.

Questions, comments?

I have the complete plot for my novel, Penalty. Please give me input, I have a feeling that this novel won't be long enough.

Chapter 1
The council of Aeloo has just about finished. They decide to wage war on Ilakiool, and send Hofwu with the message. He is a little disturbed that they don’t expect him to come back very soon, but he takes the message anyway.
Once in the network of tunnels, Hofwu tries to find the quickest route to the above ground land/Ilakiool’s capital city. However, he takes a wrong turn, and ends up near a freshly collapsed tunnel. The current sweeps him away, and he faints from trying to swim against it. He's taken with the current for three days.
Chapter 2
Ecknozkoon, the Sheniolaen slave, works in the blacksmith shop all day, and then during the night, keeps the fire hot for the next day’s work. He begins to plot one day about escaping the walls of the shop.
Later that night, he forges two spikes from unused metal, and hides them under the coal, planning on adding more as time passes. He waits until the next night, and forges two more spikes. With enough spikes now, he drives them into the wall, climbs over, avoids the watchman, and escapes into the woods. But when falling from the wall, he sprains his ankle, thus he walks slower.
He begins walking towards the boarder, hoping to reach it in a week or two. After two days he is exhausted, dirty, and can’t find enough food. Nearing a road, Ecknozkoon stumbles into a pit-style bear trap.
Chapter 3
Etattadix, a Toxati in that same forest, was ordered by his mother to set up more rabbit traps. He doesn’t want to go mainly because if he leaves, Etavke will join the military while he's gone. But Etattadix goes anyway, and sets traps for hours.
But nearing the road, he discovers the pit trap, and quite almost falls into it. After noticing that someone lay down there, he fetches his roped from his backpack, and hoists Ecknozkoon out.
Ecknozkoon, who thought all Toxati were evil, attempts to run away from Etattadix, but Etattadix is faster than Ecknozkoon. The chase ends up in Ecknozkoon being more tired than before, and Etattadix enjoying the company of Ecknozkoon.
Etattadix promises to help Ecknozkoon, and hides him in his treehouse, to return later with food. He comes back a.s.a.p, and brings food, plus something to help the sprained ankle. He tells the Sheniolaen boy that he should stay in the treehouse until his ankle heals, and then go on to his country.
Chapter 4
Returning home, Etattadix discovers that Etavke has joined the military. Etattadix becomes extremely angry, until Etavke shows up and explains. Still though, he’s mad, but not quite so mad as before.
The ambassador from Aeloo discovers where he is, and panics. He travels through the swamp surrounding the lake, and reaches the road. He begins walking towards the city, when Etattadix appears.
Etattadix was also heading towards the city, to find news about the war. He meets Hofwu, and they quickly get into a fight. Etattadix fought because he didn’t want the war to start, and Hofwu fought because he had a message to deliver.
It ends badly for Hofwu, as Toxati are stronger than them. Etattadix takes his ever-handy rope, and ties Hofwu up. He then leads the prisoner to his treehouse, wondering why his home suddenly is home to fugitives and ambassadors.
Chapter 5
When Ecknozkoon sees Hofwu, they get into a fight because the Aeloo had no right to step in on the Sheniolaens’ and Toxati’ business. Hofwu is again attacked, but Etattadix stops Ecknozkoon because he just wants to explain something.
Etattadix explains that if his brother goes to war, he’ll most certainly be killed. Hofwu doesn’t care, but Ecknozkoon does. He agrees not to attack Hofwu, and Hofwu agrees not to attack either of them, only on the condition that he is released within 4 more days, as 9 days was the limit before the other Aeloo would attempt to find him.
Etattadix asks what is in the letter, and Hofwu explains that it states that unless they release all slaves, war will be brought. Etattadix takes the letter, and carries to to the city leader. The city leader however, isn’t happy at all. He throws Etattadix in jail for intercepting messages from different countries, and sends soldiers to collect Hofwu as a prisoner of war.
Chapter 6
Etavke is on guard duty at the jail when Etattadix is brought in. Etavke asks the soldiers why his brother was thrown in jail, and they answer that he was in jail for intercepting messages between countries.
Etattadix begs for Etavke to free him, but Etavke remains firm. Until Etattadix explains that their family will probably die if Etavke doesn’t let him go and help them. That gets Etavke to free him, and they sneak to the armory, where Etavke borrows chain mail from the resident blacksmith, and Etattadix puts it on.
After getting a sword, Etavke and Etattadix run down to the forest, noticing the soldiers marching along the roadway. Hitting their home about 15 minutes before the soldiers arrive, they manage to flee.
Chapter 7
Etattadix tells Hofwu that he can jump off the pier and head back home, and Ecknozkoon can return to his people. But Ecknozkoon refuses to leave, and follows them to a merchant vessel. They sneak on board, after knocking out the soldiers on duty. Etavke, saddened that they were leaving, promises that he won’t get hurt.
The merchant ship leaves, and Etavke fights off the soldiers trying to get to the cannons, the last scene Etattadix will see of his brother.
As the ship leaves the harbor, they see thousands of Aeloo land on the shore, with weapons and armor. Hofwu pops up by the ship, and informs them that he’s told the soldiers not to attack them.
The family settles on a nearby island, and at night they can see the smoke rise from Ilakiool.
Epilogue
Etavke dies fighting, and Ilakiool lands under Aeloo control after a short war. Hofwu continues to visit the family, giving them updates on the country’s status. Ecknozkoon remains on that island, and set up a fishing business. Etattadix learns to live without his brother, even though he misses him.
But he knows that one day, he’ll return to that country...

It really depends on how long the chapters are. Here are some questions to think about. I'll get to the other chapters later.


This could use a little smoothing out. Maybe you could mention that it's a meeting.


How do they make known that they don't think he'll come back soon?


I think the concept of the tunnels is interesting.


So there aren't any guides in the tunnels, or signs? Or does the tunnel basically collapse when he gets there?


That's a long time to be taken with the current. I think it would be better if it was a shorter time, so he doesn't get dehydrated.


What are the spikes for? That might need to be mentioned earlier.


So they're used as a kind of ladder?


The border of what? The nearest country?

About dehydrating...These are seapeople, and so they take the water out of the ocean automatically. It allows them to breath underwater.

As for why the council thinks he won't come back very soon, ambassadors over there aren't known for being used more than twice in a war situation. Most often the country at war will hold them hostage.

The tunnels were carved by water currents, so it's likely that one was being carved from the top, and another from the tunnel network. They met, and a current was generated for a short time. The caverns were made of limestone.

I'll be sure to mention the spikes in the actual story, although this is in development still. It may be a different way of escape altogether, but I think climbing out is his best option so far.

By the way, the ending for this book is still in question, so I'll post the one I chose as soon as I finish it. The ending is going to expand the book by like 3 chapters or more.

Thanks for your comments! I'll think about them, and the problems with my plot some more!

Oh, I've got it! Seapeople have great advantages.

I've rebuilt the ending, and changed character names.
Etattadix: Tadix
Ecknozkoon: Koon

Plot:

Chapter 1
The council of Aeloo has just about finished. They decide to wage war on Ilakiool, and send Hofwu with the message. He is a little disturbed that they don’t expect him to come back very soon, but he takes the message anyway.
Once in the network of tunnels, Hofwu tries to find the quickest route to the above ground land/Ilakiool’s capital city. However, he takes a wrong turn, and ends up near a freshly collapsed tunnel. The current sweeps him away, and he faints from trying to swim against it. He taken with the current for three days.
Chapter 2
Koon, the Shenioolaen slave, works in the blacksmith shop all day, and then during the night, keeps the fire hot for the next day’s work. He begins to plot one day about escaping the walls of the shop.
Later that night, he forges two spikes from unused metal, and hides them under the coal, planning on adding more as time passes. He waits until the next night, and forges two more spikes. With enough spikes now, he drives them into the wall, climbs over, avoids the watchman, and escapes into the woods. But when falling from the wall, he sprains his ankle, thus he walks slower.
He begins walking towards the boarder, hoping to reach it in a week or two. After two days he is exhausted, dirty, and can’t find enough food. Nearing a road, Koon stumbles into a pit-style bear trap.
Chapter 3
Tadix, a Toxati in that same forest, was ordered by his mother to set up more rabbit traps. He doesn’t want to go mainly because if he leaves, Etavke will join the military in while he can. But Tadix goes anyway, and sets traps for hours.
But nearing the road, he discovers the pit trap, and quite almost falls into it. After noticing that someone lay down there, he fetches his roped from his backpack, and hoists Koon out.
Koon, who thought all Toxati were evil, attempts to run away from Tadix, but Tadix is faster than Koon. The chase ends up in Koon being more tired than before, and Tadix enjoying the company of Koon.
Tadix promises to help Koon, and hides him in his treehouse, to return later with food. He comes back a.s.a.p, and brings food, plus something to help the sprained ankle. He tells the Sheniolaen boy that he should stay in the treehouse until his ankle heals, and then go on to his country.
Chapter 4
Returning home, Tadix discovers that Etavke has joined the military. Tadix becomes extremely angry, until Etavke shows up and explains. Still though, he’s mad, but not quite so mad as before.
The ambassador from Aeloo discovers where he is, and panics. He travels through the swamp surrounding the lake, and reaches the road. He begins walking towards the city, when Tadix appears.
Tadix was also heading towards the city, to find news about the war. He meets Hofwu, and they quickly get into a fight. Tadix fought because he didn’t want the war to start, and Hofwu fought because he had a message to deliver.
It ends badly for Hofwu, as Toxati are stronger than them. Tadix takes his ever-handy rope, and ties Hofwu up. He then leads the prisoner to his treehouse, wondering he suddenly is home to fugitives and ambassadors.
Chapter 5
When Koon sees Hofwu, they get into a fight because the Aeloo had no right to step in on the Sheniolaens’ and Toxati’ business. Hofwu is again attacked, but Tadix stops Koon because he just wants to explain something.
Tadix explains that if his brother goes to war, he’ll most certainly be killed. Hofwu doesn’t care, but Koon does. He agrees not to attack Hofwu, and Hofwu agrees not to attack either of them, only on the condition that he is released within 4 more days, as 9 days was the limit before the other Aeloo would attempt to find him.
Tadix asks what is in the letter, and Hofwu explains that it states that unless they release all slaves, war will be brought. Tadix takes the letter, and carries to to the city leader. The city leader however, isn’t happy at all. He throws Tadix in jail for intercepting messages from different countries, and sends soldiers to collect Hofwu as a prisoner of war.
Chapter 6
Etavke is on guard duty at the jail when Tadix is brought in. Etavke asks the soldiers why his brother was thrown in jail, and they answer that he was in jail for intercepting messages between countries.
Tadix begs for Etavke to free him, but Etavke remains firm. Until Tadix explains that their family will probably die if Etavke doesn’t let him go and help them. That gets Etavke to free him, and they sneak to the armory, where Etavke borrows chailmail from the resident blacksmith, and Tadix puts it on.
After getting a sword, Etavke and Tadix run down to the forest, noticing the soldiers marching along the roadway. Hitting their home about 15 minutes before the soldiers arrive, they manage to flee.
Chapter 7
Tadix tells Hofwu that he can jump of the pier and head back home, and Ecknozkon can return to his people. But Koon refuses to leave, and follows them to a merchant vessel. They sneak on board, after knocking out the soldiers on duty. Etavke, saddened that they were leaving, promises that he won’t get hurt.
However, after the ship is out of the harbor, Etavke calls more soldiers, and trades duty for family. He betrays them, and the soldiers nearly catch the ship, but Aeloo sink the soldiers’ boats.
As the ship leaves the harbor, they see thousands of Aeloo land on the shore, with weapons and armor. Hofwu pops up by the ship, and informs them that he’s told the soldiers not to attack them.
The family settles on a near by island, and at night they can see the smoke rise from Ilakiool.
Chapter 8
Days pass, and they receive no word from Etavke. Finally, they receive word from their friend Hofwu, who tells them that the country is destroyed, and under Aeloo control. Also, Etavke most likely died in a fight over the town hall.
Tadix is in despair, first because Etavke betrayed him, and second that he died.Their only choice is to return to that ruined country, and settle back in the forest.
Taking the merchant ship when it passed by their island, they traveled back to Ilakiool, and find that the forest was mostly destroyed.
Chapter 9
The war ends in a month or so, and they return to the country. However, their home was destroyed in fighting. They set up a memorial for Etavke, at the ruins of the home.
Later, news is brought to them by [Pa] that soldiers are searching the forest for people who started the war. Tadix, knowing where to hide, shows them the castle ruins. But the soldiers find them there.
Chapter 10
A fierce battle follows, and Tadix fends off the soldiers. The castle begins to collapse, and Tadix holds up a large column from closing the exit. Tadix is trapped inside, left to the readers’ minds as to what happens.
Everyone stands trembling at the doorway, and there the book ends.