How to Understand Me (and other INFJs)

J. Grace Pennington · **Joined:** July 19th, 2011, 2:35 pm **Posts:** 1988

Knowing myself to be an INFJ personality type, I was fascinated to find this list on a friend's Tumblr. And with a couple of exceptions, it was all true of me!

How to Understand an INFJ

For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best, while preparing for the worst, and a few can be extremely gullible. INFJ’s might be burned badly once. We don’t let twice happen.

INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something. We speak across all levels & spectrums all the time, all at the same time in addition to words. It’s perfectly normal for INFJ’s.

Don’t violate our personal space unless specifically invited in, we will immediately withdraw.

INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.

INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply - we choose very carefully if, when, and whom we share our pain with.

Experienced INFJ’s do not shy from conflict when necessary, they actually moderate and become better at moderating conflict or disagreement. We prefer to bring people together.

INFJ’s normal and consistent response to conflict or disagreement is to resolve it, meeting in the middle, willing and often compromising, unless it encroaches on their values.

INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’.

Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.

INFJs can often mimic other types, and are often mistaken for other types because of their overriding concern for others. It will often compel them to reach out.

INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. Practice in public speaking helps overcome this, many become comfortable with verbal communication and are quite articulate in professional and personal settings. We often prefer to listen. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.

INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.

An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.

INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.

They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.

INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.

The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented.Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.

INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.

INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject them, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.

An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknesses means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you. However, destroying is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.

They need patience but they give patience in return.

They’re gracious & curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.

They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.

They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.

INJFs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.

INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.

Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.

Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.

INFJs live in a world of hopeful possibilities, and they make those possibilities happen, both professionally and personally. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world, but will not give it up. It’s their greatest gift that motivates them and others.

Airianna Valenshia · **Posted:** September 27th, 2011, 3:42 pm

I know lots of INFJ's. Ya'll are such wonderfully nice people.

Arien · **Joined:** February 9th, 2011, 1:08 pm **Posts:** 531

That sounds a lot like me, actually, (Aniese's post, not Airi's

) which is odd, because I thought I was INTJ. Huh...

Calista Bethelle · **Joined:** February 10th, 2011, 9:15 pm **Posts:** 3095

Oh my goodness!

That describes me almost perfectly, Ani!

I'm curious, though. What does INFJ stand for, and what other types are there? I haven't heard of these before.

Aemi · **Posted:** September 27th, 2011, 4:28 pm

That describes me pretty well, too! Many similarities. Aniese, did you take a personality quiz or something?

Varon · **Posted:** September 27th, 2011, 5:03 pm

I think it's an introverted intuitive feeling judger, according to the Myers-Briggs Type Test Indicator.

I'm an INTP.

Aldara · **Posted:** September 27th, 2011, 5:19 pm

I was an INFP in one test and an INFJ in another. I agree especially with these:

Aniese of Learsi wrote:

INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something. We speak across all levels & spectrums all the time, all at the same time in addition to words. It’s perfectly normal for INFJ’s.
Don’t violate our personal space unless specifically invited in, we will immediately withdraw.

INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.
INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. Practice in public speaking helps overcome this, many become comfortable with verbal communication and are quite articulate in professional and personal settings. We often prefer to listen. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.

INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.

However, I do get into arguments, and I'm only future-oriented about half the time. This is interesting. I love learning about personalities.

PrincessoftheKing · **Posted:** September 27th, 2011, 5:34 pm

That describes me fairly well, too, but I'm an INFP.

Personality tests are so interesting... and they're really handy if you put characters through them.

Manda Kondrael · **Posted:** September 27th, 2011, 8:52 pm

I'm an INFJ, and that describes me perfectly. Thanks for posting it, Grace.

K. C. Gaunt · **Joined:** October 29th, 2010, 1:15 pm **Posts:** 159

Ooo! More personality things for me to obsess over!

Very cool, Aniese.

I read somewhere that INFJ was actually the rarest of all types.

*Needs to finish blog series on this subject.*

Varon wrote:

I think it's an introverted intuitive feeling judger, according to the Myers-Briggs Type Test Indicator.

I'm an INTP.

*Nodnod*

I'm also an INTP. So is my MC.

- Terra

Varon · **Posted:** September 28th, 2011, 7:08 am

I don't know what my MCs are.

The psychologist who analyzed my test created a system to make it easier to remember and use the personality types.

Perhaps a thread on MBTIs is on order...

Airianna Valenshia · **Posted:** September 28th, 2011, 8:55 am

Quote:

I read somewhere that INFJ was actually the rarest of all types.

Really? Cause there sure are a lot of them.

J. Grace Pennington · **Joined:** July 19th, 2011, 2:35 pm **Posts:** 1988

There are a lot of them online, because they communicate better via writing than face to face.

You're quite welcome, Amanda! I figured you were one too.

Yes, it's Introvert/Intuition/Feeling/Judging.

I find the personality types so fascinating! I'm glad you all enjoyed this.

Varon · **Posted:** September 28th, 2011, 9:26 am

I was told NFs (the core types) make up 12% of the population.

K. C. Gaunt · **Joined:** October 29th, 2010, 1:15 pm **Posts:** 159

Or was it INFP?

Anyhoo, I'm not sure how reliable my source was.

- Terra

RedWing the Purple · **Posted:** September 28th, 2011, 10:35 am

This was really interesting.

I think I have a character who's an INFJ...

I'm an ESFP. (Er, technically, I'd be an "OSFP", "O" standing for "Omnivert," 'cause I'm neither Extroverted nor Introverted. I'm kinda both.)

Elly · **Joined:** October 22nd, 2010, 7:58 am **Posts:** 4197

I am an ISJF, but probably an omnivert like RedWing.

Zoe M. Scrivener · **Posted:** September 28th, 2011, 4:26 pm

That is pretty much exactly me!

I didn't have any idea Amanda was an introvert....

Manda Kondrael · **Posted:** September 28th, 2011, 6:04 pm

Raven of the Wood wrote:

I didn't have any idea Amanda was an introvert....

You're not the first.

(well, online, IRL it's fairly obvious...)

Rachel Newhouse · **Posted:** September 29th, 2011, 10:45 am

I shall have to reference this later. My character Carter is an INTJ, last time I checked, so a lot of this applies to him - 'cept he's a little more stoic.

Honestly, I'm reading this list and marveling at the fact that I haven't scarred you for life, Grace. Being an ENFP, I don't have that "never be blunt" thing down very well.

J. Grace Pennington · **Joined:** July 19th, 2011, 2:35 pm **Posts:** 1988

You have not scarred me for life, you silly.

For one thing, you sandwich your bluntness with great encouragement, for another, it's easier to handle in writing than face-to-face. See? *points up at list* It's easier for INFJs to communicate via writing.

Aemi · **Posted:** September 29th, 2011, 3:03 pm

I must send Mahlia through a personality quiz.

Ophelia MirZA Mimetes · **Posted:** September 29th, 2011, 3:55 pm

Where can I find out more about this? Is there a quiz somewhere? I really like learning about personalities!
I am quite a lot of those things Ani posted, but not all. I am an introvert who thrives with people, and I write my feelings better than verbally expressing them.
~ZA

J. Grace Pennington · **Joined:** July 19th, 2011, 2:35 pm **Posts:** 1988

There are lots of quizzes, Za. I just googled for one, and I can't recommend one in particular, as it was a long time ago. Do let me know what you are if you take a test!

K. C. Gaunt · **Joined:** October 29th, 2010, 1:15 pm **Posts:** 159

Here's a good one:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

- Terra

Aemi · **Posted:** October 1st, 2011, 9:05 pm

I just took that test and I scored an INTJ. I didn't feel the test was all that thorough, though. For some of the questions I honestly did not know the answer.

Sienna North · **Posted:** October 2nd, 2011, 9:06 am

Yay for fellow INFJs!! Ah, the joy of kinship in personality types

Anyway, y'all, if you want to take the full, official, extremely thorough test, you can buy it for a hefty sum off of the Meyers-Briggs website. Otherwise, there's plenty of free imitations, though you can't guarantee quality.

In terms of simply finding descriptions of the personality types (which can be helpful when crafting characters), here's something to think on:

Quote:

Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment

Introvert/Extravert
People who prefer extraversion draw energy from action: they tend to act, then reflect, and then act further. If they are inactive, their level of energy and motivation tends to decline. Conversely, those whose prefer introversion become less energized as they act: they prefer to reflect, then act, then reflect again. People who prefer introversion need time out to reflect in order to rebuild energy.
The extravert's flow is directed outward toward people and objects, and the introvert's is directed inward toward concepts and ideas. There are several contrasting characteristics between extraverts and introverts: extraverts are action-oriented and desire breadth, while introverts are thought-oriented and seek depth.

Sensing/Intuition
Individuals who prefer sensing are more likely to trust information that is in the present, tangible and concrete: that is, information that can be understood by the five senses. They tend to distrust hunches that seem to come out of nowhere. They prefer to look for details and facts. For them, the meaning is in the data. On the other hand, those who prefer intuition tend to trust information that is more abstract or theoretical, that can be associated with other information (either remembered or discovered by seeking a wider context or pattern). They may be more interested in future possibilities. They tend to trust those flashes of insight that seem to bubble up from the unconscious mind. The meaning is in how the data relates to the pattern or theory.

Thinking/Feeling
Those who prefer thinking tend to decide things from a more detached standpoint, measuring the decision by what seems reasonable, logical, causal, and consistent and matching a given set of rules. Those who prefer feeling tend to come to decisions by associating or empathizing with the situation, looking at it 'from the inside' and weighing the situation to achieve, on balance, the greatest harmony, consensus and fit, considering the needs of the people involved.

Judging/Perceiving
Types with a preference for judging show the world their preferred judging function (thinking or feeling). So TJ types tend to appear to the world as logical, and FJ types as empathetic. According to Myers, judging types prefer to "have matters settled.” Those types ending in P show the world their preferred perceiving function (sensing or intuition). So SP types tend to appear to the world as concrete and NP types as abstract. According to Myers, perceiving types prefer to "keep decisions open."

ISTJ 
Quiet, serious, earn success by thoroughness and dependability. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic, and responsible. Decide logically what should be done and work toward it steadily, regardless of distractions. Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organized – their work, their home, their life. Value traditions and loyalty.

ISFJ 
Quiet, friendly, responsible, and conscientious. Committed and steady in meeting their obligations. Thorough, painstaking, and accurate. Loyal, considerate, notice and remember specifics about people who are important to them, concerned with how others feel. Strive to create an orderly and harmonious environment at work and at home.

INFJ 
Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision.

INTJ 
Have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, have high standards of competence and performance – for themselves and others.

ISTP 
Tolerant and flexible, quiet observers until a problem appears, then act quickly to find workable solutions. Analyze what makes things work and readily get through large amounts of data to isolate the core of practical problems. Interested in cause and effect, organize facts using logical principles, value efficiency.

ISFP
Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts; do not force their opinions or values on others.

INFP 
Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want an external life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened.

INTP 
Seek to develop logical explanations for everything that interests them. Theoretical and abstract, interested more in ideas than in social interaction. Quiet, contained, flexible, and adaptable. Have unusual ability to focus in depth to solve problems in their area of interest. Skeptical, sometimes critical, always analytical.

ESTP 
Flexible and tolerant, they take a pragmatic approach focused immediate results. Theories and conceptual explanations bore them – they want to act energetically to solve the problem. Focus on the here-and-now, spontaneous; enjoy each moment that they can be active with others. Enjoy material comforts and style. Learn best through doing.

ESFP 
Outgoing, friendly, and accepting. Exuberant lovers of life, people, and material comforts. Enjoy working with others to make things happen. Bring common sense and a realistic approach to their work, and make work fun. Flexible and spontaneous, adapt readily to new people and environments. Learn best by trying a new skill with other people.

ENFP 
Warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. See life as full of possibilities. Make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. Want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. Spontaneous and flexible, often rely on their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency.

ENTP
Quick, ingenious, stimulating, alert, and outspoken. Resourceful in solving new and challenging problems. Adept at generating conceptual possibilities and then analyzing them strategically. Good at reading other people. Bored by routine, will seldom do the same thing the same way, apt to turn to one new interest after another.

ESTJ 
Practical, realistic, matter-of-fact. Decisive, quickly move to implement decisions. Organize projects and people to get things done; focus on getting results in the most efficient way possible. Take care of routine details. Have a clear set of logical standards, systematically follow them and want others to also. Forceful in implementing their plans.

ESFJ 
Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment; work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-by-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute.

ENFJ 
Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in everyone; want to help others fulfill their potential. May act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership.

ENTJ 
Frank, decisive, assumes leadership readily. Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. Enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. Usually well informed, well read; enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas.

J. Grace Pennington · **Joined:** July 19th, 2011, 2:35 pm **Posts:** 1988

Wow, thank you for that, Even! *copies and pastes* I learned most of what I know about this from HW's very own Character Fractalling System, actually, so it's good to learn more.

Yep, the INFJ description is me all the way.

Thanks for the cheering, Ines.

Sienna North · **Posted:** October 2nd, 2011, 12:46 pm

No problem, Ani! Those notes have been in my files a long time...

Yes, there's a lot of great ways to use characterization stuff. I find for me the best thing is to picture him/her, see how they react to things, see their history, see their friends, see their actions, talk, etc. Then after visualizing them, I go thru something like the fractalling (only, I often do a condensed version of my own...) and find their character types or whatever. Yes, it's a long story!

KathrineROID · **Posted:** October 2nd, 2011, 12:57 pm

The INFJ description is very close to what I am, probably because I differ only in one letter. I'm a INTJ. According to wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Brig ... evelopment) . . . INFJ is the rarest, being 1-3 percent of the population. INTJs are next at 2-4 percent.

*finds everyone sharing their personality types interesting* A couple of you I would have pegged differently.

I'm going to have to give my charries their personality types when I do their character development this month.

Varon · **Posted:** October 3rd, 2011, 10:26 am

Quote:

INTP 
Seek to develop logical explanations for everything that interests them. Theoretical and abstract, interested more in ideas than in social interaction. Quiet, contained, flexible, and adaptable. Have unusual ability to focus in depth to solve problems in their area of interest. Skeptical, sometimes critical, always analytical.

That's me.

J. Grace Pennington · **Joined:** July 19th, 2011, 2:35 pm **Posts:** 1988

That's interesting, Varon! I think that might be my brother too, though I need to show him the list and let him see for himself for sure...

PrincessoftheKing · **Posted:** October 3rd, 2011, 10:57 am

Yep, this one is definitely me!

Quote:

INFP 
Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want an external life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened.

Calenmiriel · **Joined:** April 19th, 2010, 8:33 pm **Posts:** 2119

My mom has a book on the Meyers-Briggs personality determination called "Please Understand Me". She bought it because it helps her with solid character development.

My mom and I are both INFJ's. My brother is an ESFP and my dad is an ENTP.

Idril Aravis Mimetes · **Posted:** June 7th, 2013, 4:03 am

So many INFJs here! Yay!

Now we can all come out say "we're not alone!"

*nods* Varon's right. The INFJs make up only 1% of the population, but I guess it seems like we're a lot here because, as Grace said, we communicate through writing better than we do face to face.

BushMaid · **Posted:** June 7th, 2013, 7:59 am

I find the study of personalities fascinating.

*varies between ENFP and INFP, but is mostly INFP*

Jay Lakewood · **Posted:** June 7th, 2013, 8:48 am

Last time I checked, I'm an ISTJ. (it's more obvious IRL)
I was wondering; besides the MBTI test, are there any books on character types available?

AzlynRose · **Posted:** June 7th, 2013, 9:08 am

Elly wrote:

I am an ISJF, but probably an omnivert like RedWing.

I'm an ISFJ!

I think that is just a trait of the ISFJ, because I'l like that too. I can thrive with or without people, but if I'm sounded by people all the time, I do need just a minute or two alone to recharge, then I'm good to go. So I know I'm an introvert, but I can be quite extroverted.

Riniel Jasmina · **Posted:** June 7th, 2013, 9:29 am

Varon wrote:

Perhaps a thread on MBTIs is on order...

I started one years ago, it didn't really catch on.

Most of my family are INFJs. I'm an INTJ.

Cain · **Joined:** September 4th, 2012, 9:21 am **Posts:** 1755

I'm part of the rare species known as ENFP. XD

Elly · **Joined:** October 22nd, 2010, 7:58 am **Posts:** 4197

I took the test again and it says I'm an ESFP. Which I figured, since I've become more extroverted.

How to Understand Me (and other INFJs)

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