Along the lines of robynwaltz's thread, "Elements of a 'good' romance?" viewtopic.php?f=29&t=2732] I thought I'd quote a good book called "Guys like girls who..." by Chad Eastham. (I actually saw him at the Revolve Tour for girls in September 2009.)

Originally I was going to post this in The Forge, but thought things may get sticky, so I put it here instead. ^^

NOTE: If you are uncomfortable with the mention of sex there is some in number 6 if you wish to skip over it. I've edited wording to soften it up a little. I thought I'd just leave a warning just in case.

Real Love

When is all boils down to one thing, it often boils down to love. Really, that's what you have been reading; why it's important to value yourself, and how to value other people, including boys. That's what love is. A lot of people don' really take time to understand what love means and it ends up biting them later. One really important thing to figure out is the difference between real love and something that looks a lot like love. It is called infatuation, and although it looks similar, it is different.

I am a guy who understands what it means to care. Likewise, guys like girls who understand how to care. Here are some things to think about when it comes to the idea of love and infatuation. I hope you will consider them not only when it comes to you, but as it applies to all the people in your life now and in the future.

1.) Infatuation almost always leaps quickly into bloom. Love usually takes root more slowly and it grows with time.

2.) Infatuation is accompanied by a sense of uncertainty. You are stimulated, thrilled, and filled with a kind of feverish excitement. You are miserable when he or she is absent. You can't wait until you see them again. Love brings a feeling of security. You are warm with a sense of nearness even when he or she is far away. Miles do not really separate you. You want the person near, but you know you can wait.

3.) When you are infatuated, you may lose your appetite. You may daydream a lot. You can't concentrate. You can't study. You can't keep your mind on your work. You may be short-tempered and unpleasant with you family. When you're in love, you just the opposite. You can be sensible about your loved one. You feel more secure and trusting. Love gives you a new energy and inspires you to do more than you ever dreamed possible.

4.) Infatuation brings you that feeling that you can't wait. You can't take the chance of losing him or her. When you're in love, you know you can wait. You are sure of one another. You can plan your future with complete confidence.

5.) Infatuation may stem from a desire for self gratification. You wish to be identified with the person. You want your friends to see that he or she has chosen you. When in love, there is always a deep concern for the welfare of the loved one; you are far more focused on him or her then you are on yourself.

6.) Infatuation may be merely physical attraction. If you are honest, you may discover that it is often difficult to enjoy each other unless you are leading up to sexual activity. Intercourse is a natural and spontaneous part of love, but only a part. If your love is real, you will enjoy each other without being physical.

7.) Infatuated couples may find it easier to disagree. When you're in love, although your personalities may be quite different, there is an eagerness to hear the other side; to give as well as to take; to compromise.

8.) Infatuation hardly ever thinks of the far future. What will the person be like thirty years from now? What kind of parent will he or she make? What kind of home life will we have? Love s much more concerned with the future, wanting to grow and build a life together.

9.) You may fall into infatuation, but you never "fall" in love.

10.) Infatuation may lead you to do things you feel are wrong, things that worry you. But love will never pressure you to compromise you values or violate your boundaries.

11.) Infatuation may lead you to try to become someone you are not to try to win the person's approval or acceptance. Love embraces your differences, celebrating who you are as a unique and valuable human being. Love brings out the best in both people. "Why do I love you? I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."*

*From the poem "Why Do I Love You?" by Carolyn Davies, in The Art of Loving Well: A Character Education Curriculum for Today's Teenagers (Boston University: Boston, 1998)

Let me know your thoughts on this. I'm curious to read everyone's opinion on it especially when we do have adults on here who are married or have experienced love before.

Honestly, I've been in a relationship once, and after the break up I realized I was only infatuated the entire time. It was rather disappointing in my mind back then.

I'm not sure if I agree with all of his points, but I suppose I've never felt "love" towards anyone in that particular way. I agree with almost everything concerning infatuated feelings. One thing that didn't apply to me in when I had been infatuated #6 & #7. For number 6, I hadn't intended to get really physical in the relationship besides holding hands and hugging. Of course, we were also not allowed to be alone together and I was accountable to myself, my family, his family, and the Lord. For number 7, I was more inclined to prevent any disagreements, which didn't really do me much good since I kept back my opinions and just agreed to everything he said which made me unhappy in return.

I think I'm going on bunny trails now, and I'm not sure if I went too far into detail or not. Let me know, fellow Mods and higher ups. ^^;; This is why I placed it here.

~Calen

Hey Calen. I was reading your post and it was amazing. His points are true to the utmost from what I can see. You didn't go into too much detail but the points were still true. Though I have not been in any such relationship, I understand your feeling of disappointment. Am I fine copying his edited points and sending them to my friends?

Kenton D. Long

I like that.

I've never been in a relationship, but as a 19-year-old guy who does a lot of introspective thinking on the subject, those conclusions are pretty much the same as mine. Infatuation...typically called a 'crush' these days...ain't healthy. I've felt that once.

But Love. I'm in Love. But I'm not in a romantic relationship of any sort. How does that work? There's this girl named Samantha and she's like a sister. No, she is. A sister in Christ, and that's how I treat her.

Not to say it couldn't change into something else, but real Love doesn't always require a 'romantic' connection.

And I have no idea why I just started capitalizing Love. I haven't done that before...but I think I'll use Love with a capital L to mean true, Godly Love from now on.

I personally have no problem if you want to share it, but if you're interested in his books for yourself or as gifts here's a link The books are aimed toward girls (sorry) but guys have read, enjoyed, and related to them too. (I know some who have.)

Luke, I honestly can't tell you what it means to Love Samantha without "romantic" feelings since the two infatuations I've had started with a "crush/romantic feelings." But I do believe in a very comfortable and admiring relationship between two people. I have a long and confusing story behind that, so I won't elaborate here. I think prayer is one way to go about figuring it out. Here's a link you might be interested in. (I am anyways.)

I like how you capitalize "love" because it makes me think of God's true love and that He is Love. ^^

~Calen

I agree that you can Love, without being romantically invested in someone. I have several of those people in my life. Your siblings are a good example for that, too. We Love them, but we don't have a romantic interest in them. There are guys in my life who's opinion I value, who holds my respect, and who challenge me. I enjoy being around them and their families, and some of them have sisters I adore who sing their praises.

I don't love these guys in the sense that I fantasize about being married to them, but I do Love them for who they are in Christ, and how the Lord has blessed me personally through knowing them.

I think there can be a very healthy difference. So long as you are able to keep perspective and not lose your head, which is the hard part. Especially for girls. It is a sticky subject, and I don’t think everyone should have these types of relationships. Some people can’t separate the feelings.

It can be hard. I think it might help that she lives 2,600 miles away by road. Although that makes other things hard too, like saying goodbye after spending 6 hours together in Nashville...

Distance does help, in some instances, but not in others. You have to be on guard no matter which way you slice it. One of the pitfalls to being human, I guess. We never get it easy.

Well, I've made it clear to my heart that unless God works a miracle and brings me closer to her (distance-wise), there will be no 'falling in love.' My earlier bout with infatuation (I won pretty well, I think) strengthened me.

*nods * I think that's a smart move, and I'm glad you were the victor over your infatuation. That is a hard, hard battle to fight.

*seconds that* It is a very, very hard battle. I agree.

eru

Especially when we have to go against a whole world's thinking.

Like my relationship with Samii.

I think the best marriages start out as friendships like this. There's already a brother/sister foundation of trust and Love laid, and going farther is like taking a few more steps, not like climbing a cliff. Though I could be wrong...obviously I've never tried it!


It lasted a long time. But I knew from the very beginning that it wasn't what I wanted. So the whole time I was praying (very hard) for the feelings to go away. But you know what? That was really the only reason I stuck around the latest church we tried (all the others we've either been asked to leave or left ourselves), and because I stayed I joined a youth group (well, SHE was there too), and because of that I finally started understanding Christianity more. I became a writer and a poet (what young man doesn't when going through something like that?) So God definitely used it for some major good, and I'm glad for that. And glad that He gave me the strength to endure it.

Oh, and if I never became a writer? I never would've met Samii. At least I doubt I would have.

Thanks for sharing that, Calen. It was very good.

Fascinating. I wish I'd known this five years ago.

Thank you for sharing this, Calen!

I recently wrote an article on relationships. http://lukealistar.com/2011/04/18/more-relationships/

That was really good; well put. Thanks for sharing, Luke.