Annnnnnnnnd Azlyn gives me a chance to plug a chapter in the upcoming revised edition of my logline book! (Which, if you haven't heard about, can be researched here.)

Yes, I believe you should have a logline for each book in the series, as well as the series as a whole.

A revised logline book?

Well then, here's a logline attempt for the first book in the trilogy. I'm not happy with it, though, so if you remember my other logline, I couldn't figure out how to fit the magic or the curse into it.

TITLE: Curse of the Kingdoms, Book 1
GENRE: Fantasy
LOGLINE: When a desperate prince arrives in her village, an adventurous girl must drop everything and run before they are both killed by his power-hungry brother.

And I've been fiddling with it already.... I figured out how to add in the curse and magic, but I think it's too long and doesn't have enough punctuation.

When a desperate prince arrives in her village, an adventurous girl unaffected by the curse of her world must drop everything and run before they are both killed for being gifted with magic by his power-hungry brother.

I think it's a bit confusing. Perhaps you could try:
"When a desperate prince arrives in her village, an adventurous girl, unaffected by the curse of her world, must drop everything and run before she and the prince are both killed by his power-hungry brother for being gifted with magic."
The way you have it makes it sound like the power-hungry brother is the one who gifted them with magic. I apologize if that's actually the way it is.

Okay, logline thread lurker actually checking in now.
Here's the summary of my NaNo novel for this year (I'm no good at summaries, so pardon the no-good-ness of my summary xD) :

I'm totally hopeless with loglines, but here's a possible one, and I'm open to suggestions for a totally different one.

Help? Please?

I was wondering the same thing. A question would be, is it necessary to use the same structure as I did with the first book for the rest in the series? It's similar to LOTR in that each book segues into the next, so after the first book, most of the main characters and places have already been named, something I recall that we weren't supposed to use. So what do I do?

One big, somewhat vague omnibus post as I'm in a bit of a hurry today.



I'm going to nod at NotThatShort and say that her rewrite is a good direction to clarify things.



You've got good bones here, I think. What if you take out the beginning ("A young boy falls into…") and start with the father. Something like…

When a [adjective] father finds himself in his comatose son's nightmare, he must find his son and keep him safe while trying to escape.

That's not quite it, but I'm pretty sure another try or two could shape it up nicely.



In a book like that, you can safely assume that your audience will not read the second book without the first. Because of this, you can break the naming names rule. Your characters are introduced and familiar, so go ahead and name them in loglines for the sequels. You should still have a rule-conforming logline for the first installment (and the series), but you can bend the rules for the sequels in this case.

If you're writing something more episodic (where the books could be read and enjoyed in any order), you'll want a rule-conforming logline for every installment.

Yay! Shorty popped in to critique! Feel free to pick it to pieces. I knew it was confusing and needed work.

I like that revision. No, the gift is not a result of the bad guy, so that works. Here's another shot at it, based off Shorty's with some edits:

"When a desperate prince arrives in her village, an adventurous girl, unaffected by the curse of her world, must drop everything and run before both are killed by his power-hungry brother for being gifted with magic."

I tried to cut out a couple words, do you think it worked, or just made it confusing?

And do you think I need to mention why the power-hungry brother wants to kill them for being gifted (because the gift is what makes them unaffected and when trained how to use their gift, they can break the curse, so thus the brother wants to kill them before they can be trained to fight back)?

I think that might be good, if you can make it work. It was a bit confusing as to why they're not cursed and what the curse is. But I don't know if it's necessary.

How's this, Jordan?

Title: The Silencer
Genre: Thriller
Logline: A teenage city slicker and the girl he is interested in must rely on her dad’s outdoor survival skills after the three of them witness a murder and are pursued into the wilderness by the relentless killer.

*wants to read that*

I like the structure; good work there. What's tripping me up is the description of the girl. That's kind of long and clunky, but I suppose she's not his girlfriend at the point of the logline, so that wouldn't be the word… Anybody got a word or two that can sum up that relationship more concisely?

Me, too! That sounds very interesting, Jonathan!

Any reason you can't just say "his girl"?

Yay for Jonathan doing loglines... and NaNo!

I'm planning to write it for NaNo. As Aubrey knows:

Thank you, Jordan. If I think up a better word, or someone else does, I'll use it.


I don't think it would quite convey the intended meaning.

Friend? Female compatriate? Woman acquaintance? Friend?
I don't know.
Jonathan's doing NaNo after all?

I don't know, either.


Probably.

Would this work?

Baha! I can't believe I didn't think of that...

My main thought is that it might be too simplistic. We'll see what Jonathan says.

That's the best suggestion so far, Faith. I'm still not sure it's quite right, though.

I reworked it slightly to see if it might work better. Feel free to completely scrap it. It is just an idea of how it might work better.

I actually like that structure a bit better, Faith, but that might just be me. Though I think the outdoor skills are from the girl's father, not the boy's, so that might need to be changed.

*continues poking her own logline* (Or more like, stares at it reading over and over) I don't know how to fix it, but I don't know what to do with it. Thoughts?

"When a desperate prince arrives in her village, an adventurous girl, unaffected by the curse of her world, must drop everything and run before both are killed by his power-hungry brother for being gifted with magic."

@Faith-I like that one too.

@Iza: Maybe rework it so it says that the reason they are unaffected by the curse of their world is their gift of magic? (I think you said that somewhere).

Thanks for more thoughts.


Yes. In which case, it would be:

After witnessing a murder, a teenage city slicker and the girl [he is interested in] must rely on her dad's outdoor skills to survive when the relentless killer pursues them into the wilderness.

It gives me more to think about.

Really? Every time I read it, I read that it was HIS dad. Oops.

I'm leaning towards going with this, since it seems the simplest option:

After witnessing a murder, a teenage city slicker and the girl he likes must rely on her dad's outdoor skills to survive when the relentless killer pursues them into the wilderness.

Do you think it's ready, Jordan?

That sounds good, Jonathan!

Yes; that is a very enticing logline.

I like it, Jonathan!

Thanks, y'all.

How's this, y'all?
"When a desperate father discovers he has entered his comatose son's nightmare, he must find his son and keep him safe while trying to escape the terror that haunts the dream."

I'm likin' this, Shorty. Great job condensing the logline!

Thanks! Let's see what the all-powerful Logline Master says... *pokes Jordan*

That looks good, though I wonder if it can be simplified even more to this:

Looks like I've not been getting notifications of new posts. Good thing my younger brother told me last night that people were poking me, or I wouldn't have known. Sorry!

The good news is that y'all have been doing great without me! I'm so proud!



I think this one is working, but I would actually add some words in a couple places to make it read more smoothly.

When a desperate prince arrives in her village, an adventurous girl who is unaffected by the curse of her world must drop everything and run before she and the prince are killed by his power-hungry brother for being gifted with magic.



I'm liking Jonathan's rewrite from later in the thread, because it makes it clear that both father and son are escaping, not just the father:





That one looks good to me.

Poke harder in the future if I don't show up. I'm hoping the notifications start working again, but feel free to PM me, tweet at me, whatever.

Thank you, Jordan.

Awesome! Thanks, Jordan!

Oooh! I'm liking that version. Is it a wrap, then?

I'm happy with it if you are. *tosses confetti*

First of all, let me apologize for leaving that other logline hanging way back there. Basically, due to one of Grace's blog posts, the idea is having the plot changed/refined a bit.

However. I do have three more to play with. It's horrible, I know. But how can I help that I procrastinated on one and had two jump on me this week?

Ein...
Title: The Page's Dilemma
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: When a young page hears a dangerous secret not meant for his ears, he must choose between the welfare of his country and keeping his life.

Zwei...
Title: Untitled
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: Willing to marry only for true love, a wealthy heiress disguises herself as a highwayman and waylays her suitors to test their expressions of love for truth.

Drei...
Title: Naiad's Song
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: Hurt to the breaking point, a naiad wishes to save others from the sorrow of the world and lures the brokenhearted to a watery grave, not realizing the pain this gives those left behind.

*waits excitedly for feedback*

I want to read the second one! Well, I want to read them all, but especially the second one.

Aww. Thanks, Katharina.

All three of those sound intriguing. The first one seems like it might be ready, though personally I'm interested in hearing just a little bit more of what else will be going on in the story, to give it depth. For the latter two, I think showing more of what will happen next that drives the story forward is needed.

That's my non-guru opinion, anyway.

Thanks, Jonathan. *goes at them again*

Title: The Page's Dilemma
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: Though used to keeping confidences, when a young page hears a dangerous secret not meant for his ears, he must choose not only between the welfare of his country and his own life, but between the lives of the two men to whom he owes much.

How does that seem as far as pulling in more of the story? Or is it still focusing too much on the single thread of the story? One qualm I have with it is I'm not sure how accurate it will end up being. While his choice does technically end up being between the two men's lives, I don't know yet if he realizes it until after the decision is made.

Title: Untitled
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: Willing to marry only for true love, a wealthy heiress disguises herself as a highwayman and waylays her suitors to test their claims of love for truth, but when a childhood friend attempts the test against her will, she is faced with the possibility of having the friendship ruined forever if he fails.

Title: Naiad's Song
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: Hurt to the breaking point, a rejected naiad wishes to save others from the sorrow of the world and lures the brokenhearted to a watery grave, not caring about the pain this gives those left behind, until her actions bring her face to face with someone she thought was dead.

How are those changes?

EDIT: *gasp* I just realized I never gave the naiad an adjective! *puts one in*

Yes, that effectively pulls in more of the story. Even if the part about the two men is inaccurate and needs to be taken out, the added detail about keeping confidences is good.


While they might need some tweaking to maximize clarity and flow, those both now have the added depth I was looking for.

I definitely like all three of them better now, and would be much more intrigued if presented with them. Though they do seem to need a bit of polishing.

*grumbles* I'm not getting notifications about this thread again. So sorry to be absent. Thanks for covering for me, Jonathan!

People, I hereby give you permission to summon me if I don't show up. I really want to keep up with this thread, but I forget it's here if I don't get e-mails about it. Poke me!



I'm not sure what "Though used to keeping confidences" is doing for this one. It's not really adding dimension here, and it's actually serving as a set-up to the set-up clause, which I'd avoid. I do believe that if you took it out, this one could be done or very close to it.



I like the story direction I see in this one and that's really strong. But I think you need to zero in on who is the main character. Is it the childhood friend or the heiress?



Here's a radical rewrite just for exploration. What do you think?

A rejected naiad believes a watery grave is the best escape for the brokenhearted, but her views are challenged when her actions bring her face to face with someone she thought was dead.

*pokes Jordan* Thanks for taking the time to come and look at my stuff!

Yeah, I think I like it better without the first clause too. *tinkers a tiny bit to improve accuracy*

Title: The Page's Dilemma
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: When a young page hears a dangerous secret not meant for his ears, he must choose not only between the welfare of his country and his own life, but between the two men to whom he owes much.

For the second, the MC is the heiress. It seems fairly clear to me, but that's because I came up with the plot. How can I make it more obvious to the reader?

For the third: I like it, but it doesn't make the luring as prominent, nor does it speak of how it affects those left behind, which is important for the story. *will have to mull over this one and come back later*