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<A bloody and battered figure appears among you, armoured and clothed in white, spattered with blood and dirt. Wounds, some deep and some not, cover him, especially over his heart. He holds a drawn sword in his hand, shining with an inner light. He looks about at you from over his red beard and smiles softly with deep love.>
My friends, my brothers, my sisters, my precious and dearly beloved, it has been too long since I wrote you in this way.
Since my conviction, since my sentencing, I have been afraid to come before you and discuss my situation. Knowing the confidence with which I spoke to you before and with which I comforted and encouraged you, I felt ashamed to stand and say that we have lost, and that the very thing we have prayed against has come to pass. I was confused, hurt, pained deeply, and struggling. My faith took many deep wounds, and it has taken me long to heal from them. Hope I could not give if I was struggling to have it for myself.
I admit this weakness to you freely, though with shame and apology. I am human, and I make mistakes. I despaired, and I lost sight of the all-sovereign and ever-good God. Did I still love Him? Indubitably. Did I still serve and trust Him? Incontrovertibly. Did I still look to Him and wait patiently for Him to show me what His plan was? Absolutely. I have never forsaken my God, and He has never forsaken me. But I doubted, and I was angry with Him. It has taken us long to heal that breach I made with Him. But I stand before you now because it is healed. I have repented of my failure to trust and accept, and I have found again the joy and love and hope and faith of my Adonai.
Do I understand why He said no? No... I must admit I do not wholly understand yet. I know beyond any doubt that it was not due to any failure on my part or on your part in praying amiss. We prayed for the will of God, and we prayed by faith and in His Spirit. My heart was in concord with Him and I had full confidence in what I was requesting, and I staked all on His answer. The simple fact is that He said no, and He said no because He knew that He wanted His glory served by me taking this path. And so this path I will take. In faith.
It has not been easy. I cannot describe the kinds of tensions and weights and stresses and temptations that assault me daily here. It's nothing like I imagined. It's a whole different world and field of battle. But it's the same God, and He hasn't left me for a moment. He's taught me so much, and come so close to me through these trials... it's all worth it. I don't know what service He has for me to do here; I don't know what lessons He wants me to learn here. But I will do all and learn all that I can, redeeming this time and serving Him with it.
I am blessed to be in the company and friendship of many dear friends and brothers in Christ, who I am honored to be a blessing to, and who are a strong encouragement and blessing to me. I am blessed to be under godly and wise Christian men who teach and exhort from the Word without compromise. These are treasures to me - taken so often for granted before, but precious gifts from God now.
I live to give glory to my Saviour and Lord. I have looked in the eyes of men who were a breath away from beating me senseless for reasonless hate, and I spoke the Word and glory of God to them without fear, and it turned them away. I have walked in danger without respite for months at a time, praying without ceasing (I understand that phrase with a whole new meaning now) for God's peace, and His protection. My faith was the constant thread that held me from going insane. And now God has over and over proven His promise: "When a man's ways please the Lord, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him." For now, despite my charges, despite the prejudice and judgment that almost ubiquitously follows that, even the unsaved and ungodly around me respect me. They see a difference in me, and know that it is God. There is no doubt that I am a man of God, and that He is what makes me who I am, and that who I am is different. I am at peace with everyone around me, regardless of their past or their problems - even the troublemakers and riotous ones. Am I friends with them? No. But we are on good terms and I am able to talk to them frankly about my God and they will listen, because they know He's real to me. That is God's doing.
Is this why I am here? To be a witness? I believe there is more to it, but I know that is part of it, and I will be grateful for it. I have learned so much of God. My patience, my longsuffering, my self-control, my peace, my joy, my tongue, my love, all these have been tempered and increased by the grace of God through these trials beyond what I could have imagined. This is a training ground, and I am learning everything I can from it.
I just had my 23rd birthday. I will likely be 26 before I get out. That means I'll have been down for four and a half years, unable to do everything I want to do for you and God. During that time I will be unable to avoid a certain amount of institutionalization. But I promise you that by what grace of God He gives me, I will remain His and yours and faithful to His call. I will not let myself be idle in here, nor will I do anything other than hit the ground running when I get out. We will indeed lift our swords together again, though all the armies of Mordor stand between. May God give grace.
I love you all. I thank you for your encouragement and support and ministrations to me in here. You will be rewarded. One of the things I thank God for in my imprisonment is that now my friends have the opportunity to do exactly what Jesus commanded us to do - to visit those in prison. * smiles * God is good, always.
May our Yehovah Creator God keep all of you in His abundant mercies and blessings,
In the name and devoted service of our Beloved Saviour,
Jaymes Lauser aka Sir Emeth Mimetes
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Jay. That is epic.
