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 Post subject: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 14th, 2011, 6:42 pm 
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I was supposed to post this...yesterday, I think. :P I didn't get the message until a little late. I haven't been very active recently.

Anyway, there it is, an article for the blog.


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 15th, 2011, 8:44 am 
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Has this post been scheduled by one of the 'behind-the-scenes' personnel of the blog?

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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 15th, 2011, 11:18 am 
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Yeah. I received a message that I'm up for a blog post. :D


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 15th, 2011, 4:25 pm 
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Luke is up, yes.

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Airianna Valenshia

The Rainbow in the Storm- My Blog

Be careful of your thoughts; guard your mind, for your thoughts become words. Be guarded when you speak, for your words turn into action. Watch what you do, for your actions will become habits. Be wary of your habits, for they become your character. Pray over your character; strive to mold it to the image of Christ, because your character will shape your destiny.

Ideas can germinate from the smallest seeds. Collect those seeds, and let them grow in the back of your mind. You may be surprised by what finally blooms.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you. Instead, He’s opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Works in progress:

The Diegosian Mark, 115,600 words (Preparing for Publication)
The Diegosian Rider, 121,400 words (Finished)
The Diegosian Warrior, 15,000 (In Progress)


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 17th, 2011, 4:48 pm 
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Really fantastic! I got educated while editing. ;) No spelling errors and no major grammar errors. You're a little ellipse and starting-a-sentence-with-a-conjunction happy, though. Here are my proposed edits:

Edited:
Quote:
What does that really mean? It’s such a common phrase that it doesn’t really get explained, unless you read a book on how to edit or how to write good prose.

Original:
Quote:
But what does that really mean? It’s such a common phrase that it doesn’t really get explained, unless you read a book on how to edit or how to write good prose.


Edited:
Quote:
But don’t make the mistake of thinking that adding more detail makes it showing. In this case it was necessary, because showing the girl’s anger and fear takes a little more work. There will be other situations where removing detail is more effective, especially if it starts getting redundant.

Original:
Quote:
But don’t make the mistake of thinking that adding more detail makes it showing. In this case it was necessary, because showing the girl’s anger and fear takes a little more work. But there will be other situations where removing detail is more effective. Especially if it starts getting redundant.

Edited:
Quote:
Notice how this example actually removed details. Also, it changes to be playing to to play, which is a stronger verb construction. The –ing verbs are some of the most misused words in unprofessional writing, as far as I’ve seen. There are plenty of places where they’re totally required. But couple an –ing verb with a be verb and you’ve almost always got trouble. When writing, using too many sentences structured like this one will get really annoying. (Don’t use many sentences structured like my last one. These are much better. They get straight to the point.) When you see –ing verbs all over the place, chances are that something needs to be changed.

Original:
Quote:
Notice that this example actually removed details. Also, it changes to be playing to to play, which is a stronger verb construction. The –ing verbs are some of the most misused words in unprofessional writing, as far as I’ve seen. There are plenty of places where they’re totally required. But couple an –ing verb with a be verb and you’ve almost always got trouble. And when writing, using too many sentences structured like this one will get really annoying. (Don’t use many sentences structured like that one. These ones are much better. They get straight to the point.) When you see –ing verbs all over the place, chances are that something needs to be changed.


Edited:
Quote:
The moment you tell the reader what that statement is, it loses much of its effect. Just like using an adverb to tell something that is already implied through dialogue.

Original:
Quote:
But the moment you tell the reader what that statement is, it loses much of its effect. Just like using an adverb to tell something that is already implied through dialogue.


Edited:
Quote:
No student wants to be told how to believe or think or act: he wants to be shown in a way that lets him feel like he figured it out with at least a little of his own intelligence.

Original:
Quote:
No student wants to be told how to believe or think or act…he wants to be shown in a way that lets him feel like he figured it out with at least a little of his own intelligence.


Edited:
Quote:
Contrived dialogue is always a problem. When a character says something they wouldn’t naturally say, something that nobody in that position would ever say in real life, the dialogue is being used to tell the reader something. For example:

Original:
Quote:
Contrived dialogue is always a problem. When a character says something they wouldn’t naturally say…something that nobody in that position would ever say in real life, the dialogue is being used to tell the reader something. For example:


Edited:
Quote:
“Wow. You must be really brave… and tough.”

Original:
Quote:
“Wow. You must be really brave…and tough.”



Edited:
Quote:
It’s the same length, and not only does it show Lewis’s awe, but adds another layer to the previously cheap respect by showing something about Lewis: he recognizes more bravery in Duncan than in himself. The first version of this example doesn’t even give us that. We aren’t quite sure how to take the unrealistic dialogue.

Original:
Quote:
It’s the same length, and not only does it show Lewis’s awe, but adds another layer to the previously cheap respect by showing something about Lewis…he recognizes more bravery in Duncan than in himself. The first version of this example doesn’t even give us that. We aren’t quite sure how to take the unrealistic dialogue.



Edited:
Quote:
I also changed a few verbs. Gestured became nodded, and got away became escaped. Nodding shows us a slightly different picture than gesturing does, and I thought it was more appropriate for this scene. Escaping is much more interesting than simply getting away.

Original:
Quote:
I also changed a few verbs. Gestured became nodded, and got away became escaped. Nodding shows us a slightly different picture than gesturing does, and I thought it was more appropriate for this scene. And escaping is much more interesting than simply getting away.



Edited:
Quote:
There are plenty of times where you will have to tell things. If you’re automatically focused on showing things whenever possible, your prose will shine a little brighter. This is why we say, Show, don’t tell.

Original:
Quote:
There are plenty of times where you will have to tell things. But if you’re automatically focused on showing things whenever possible, your prose will shine a little brighter. This is why we say, Show, don’t tell.


Also, in this bit:
Quote:
ou never want to preach. It’s something that has given Christian fiction a bit of a bad name these days. Like C. S. Lewis said, we don’t need more Christian books. We need more Christians writing good books. Good books use the characters, the conflict, the plot, and just about everything else to make a strong statement about something deeper than just a story. The moment you tell the reader what that statement is, it loses much of its effect. Just like using an adverb to tell something that is already implied through dialogue.
The last sentence feels awkward to be, probably because it is a fragment. I couldn't figure out how to make it sound better. Maybe someone else can?

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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 17th, 2011, 5:13 pm 
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Heh. One of the first things I do when I edit a recently finished book is search out all the ellipses and remove the unneeded ones. One of my weaknesses. :P

That all looks good. And about that last sentence, it could probably be combined with the previous one like the other examples.


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 17th, 2011, 5:47 pm 
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This will be ready for you to post on Monday, Luke. A little unorthodox, but I'm sure I can smooth that over with the Blog Head. ;)

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Airianna Valenshia

The Rainbow in the Storm- My Blog

Be careful of your thoughts; guard your mind, for your thoughts become words. Be guarded when you speak, for your words turn into action. Watch what you do, for your actions will become habits. Be wary of your habits, for they become your character. Pray over your character; strive to mold it to the image of Christ, because your character will shape your destiny.

Ideas can germinate from the smallest seeds. Collect those seeds, and let them grow in the back of your mind. You may be surprised by what finally blooms.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you. Instead, He’s opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Works in progress:

The Diegosian Mark, 115,600 words (Preparing for Publication)
The Diegosian Rider, 121,400 words (Finished)
The Diegosian Warrior, 15,000 (In Progress)


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 19th, 2011, 11:38 am 
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Luke the Mindwielder wrote:
Heh. One of the first things I do when I edit a recently finished book is search out all the ellipses and remove the unneeded ones. One of my weaknesses. :P

That all looks good. And about that last sentence, it could probably be combined with the previous one like the other examples.


Like this?
Quote:
The moment you tell the reader what that statement is, it loses much of its effect, just like using an adverb to tell something that is already implied through dialogue.
I didn't want to do that because it is such a weak sentence structure. Maybe. . .
Quote:
Good books use the characters, the conflict, the plot, and just about everything else to make a strong statement about something deeper than just a story. Most of its affect is lost the moment you tell the reader what that statement is, just like using an adverb to tell something already implied through dialogue.
Or. . .
Quote:
Good books use the characters, the conflict, the plot, and just about everything else to make a strong statement about something deeper than just a story. The moment you tell the reader what that statement is, it loses much of its effect - just like using an adverb to tell something that is already implied through dialogue.
The first example makes the two sentences one sentence, but not with such a wimpy structure. The second changes nothing but a little punctuation, yet fixes the flow at the same time. Your choice, Mr. Author. :D It's mostly a stylistic edit anyways.

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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 19th, 2011, 7:47 pm 
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Second one looks fine to me. I'm not that picky. :P


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 21st, 2011, 5:28 pm 
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Am I supposed to put it up myself somehow? I'm not sure how this all works...


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 21st, 2011, 9:06 pm 
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Yes sir, you put it on the blog. Sign in, then post a new post.

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Airianna Valenshia

The Rainbow in the Storm- My Blog

Be careful of your thoughts; guard your mind, for your thoughts become words. Be guarded when you speak, for your words turn into action. Watch what you do, for your actions will become habits. Be wary of your habits, for they become your character. Pray over your character; strive to mold it to the image of Christ, because your character will shape your destiny.

Ideas can germinate from the smallest seeds. Collect those seeds, and let them grow in the back of your mind. You may be surprised by what finally blooms.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you. Instead, He’s opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Works in progress:

The Diegosian Mark, 115,600 words (Preparing for Publication)
The Diegosian Rider, 121,400 words (Finished)
The Diegosian Warrior, 15,000 (In Progress)


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 21st, 2011, 9:35 pm 
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Ah. There's the problem...see, I can't log in. :P


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 21st, 2011, 9:46 pm 
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K, we'll have Jay set you up with an account tomorrow.

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Airianna Valenshia

The Rainbow in the Storm- My Blog

Be careful of your thoughts; guard your mind, for your thoughts become words. Be guarded when you speak, for your words turn into action. Watch what you do, for your actions will become habits. Be wary of your habits, for they become your character. Pray over your character; strive to mold it to the image of Christ, because your character will shape your destiny.

Ideas can germinate from the smallest seeds. Collect those seeds, and let them grow in the back of your mind. You may be surprised by what finally blooms.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you. Instead, He’s opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Works in progress:

The Diegosian Mark, 115,600 words (Preparing for Publication)
The Diegosian Rider, 121,400 words (Finished)
The Diegosian Warrior, 15,000 (In Progress)


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: June 28th, 2011, 4:05 pm 
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Luke, did you ever post this?

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Airianna Valenshia

The Rainbow in the Storm- My Blog

Be careful of your thoughts; guard your mind, for your thoughts become words. Be guarded when you speak, for your words turn into action. Watch what you do, for your actions will become habits. Be wary of your habits, for they become your character. Pray over your character; strive to mold it to the image of Christ, because your character will shape your destiny.

Ideas can germinate from the smallest seeds. Collect those seeds, and let them grow in the back of your mind. You may be surprised by what finally blooms.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you. Instead, He’s opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Works in progress:

The Diegosian Mark, 115,600 words (Preparing for Publication)
The Diegosian Rider, 121,400 words (Finished)
The Diegosian Warrior, 15,000 (In Progress)


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: July 7th, 2011, 1:01 pm 
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No, and I've been gone on a long road trip since the 26th. :P Just got home. So I'll see about this...I don't think I have an account. I wasn't told anything about it. I'll just send Philli the edited version and let her post it, I think.


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: July 10th, 2011, 3:53 pm 
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Thanks, Luke, that worked.

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Airianna Valenshia

The Rainbow in the Storm- My Blog

Be careful of your thoughts; guard your mind, for your thoughts become words. Be guarded when you speak, for your words turn into action. Watch what you do, for your actions will become habits. Be wary of your habits, for they become your character. Pray over your character; strive to mold it to the image of Christ, because your character will shape your destiny.

Ideas can germinate from the smallest seeds. Collect those seeds, and let them grow in the back of your mind. You may be surprised by what finally blooms.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you. Instead, He’s opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Works in progress:

The Diegosian Mark, 115,600 words (Preparing for Publication)
The Diegosian Rider, 121,400 words (Finished)
The Diegosian Warrior, 15,000 (In Progress)


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: July 10th, 2011, 5:01 pm 
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Ack! People keep misspelling Mindwielder. :P Haha. The I goes before the E...


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 Post subject: Re: Showing and Telling (This the right place to put this?)
PostPosted: July 10th, 2011, 5:43 pm 
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Due to the completion of this thread, it is now being archived. Thank you for your participation.

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Airianna Valenshia

The Rainbow in the Storm- My Blog

Be careful of your thoughts; guard your mind, for your thoughts become words. Be guarded when you speak, for your words turn into action. Watch what you do, for your actions will become habits. Be wary of your habits, for they become your character. Pray over your character; strive to mold it to the image of Christ, because your character will shape your destiny.

Ideas can germinate from the smallest seeds. Collect those seeds, and let them grow in the back of your mind. You may be surprised by what finally blooms.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you. Instead, He’s opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Works in progress:

The Diegosian Mark, 115,600 words (Preparing for Publication)
The Diegosian Rider, 121,400 words (Finished)
The Diegosian Warrior, 15,000 (In Progress)


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