I'm liking it. The language could be tightened up a bit, I think. But still, good.

Thanks! My brother has told me pretty much the same thing. I'll work on it:)

" a throne that someone has killed people for." This phrase sounds a little strange to me. Like the rest of it, though!

Is it intrigue or is the phrasing confusing? If it's intrigue, great! I can work on the phrasing a little more though if it is confusing.

How about "a throne people have died for"?

It didn't confuse me, but people dieing elicits more sympathy than people killing. Usually, anyway. So stoke the sympathy and connect the MC to it.

Hmm...

Would "a throne people have died for" make people think that people have died to protect it? I might change it to "a throne that someone has killed people to gain," since I'm more so aiming along the lines of the previous ruler was killed so that someone else could gain the throne.

How about:

He is a Delshai - the son of a king. The throne of Ventilla was usurped when <some_bad_guy> killed Renn's father.

If the king was physically on the throne at the time:

The throne of Ventilla was covered in royal blood when when <some_bad_guy> slaughtered Renn's father.

I'm liking the usurping sentence.

Or maybe even, "a throne that someone has killed for" or "will kill for." Though I'm not a huge fan of ending a sentence in "for" unless absolutely necessary.

It sounds interesting but similar to other stories. (By Darkness Hid by Jill Williamson comes to mind.) What are the stakes besides "he wants his rightful throne"? And what about the story distinguishes it from others? I'm interested in hearing more about the outlaws and thieves and such - and the secret of his father's seal.

Good questions:)

Renn doesn't want the throne, even though it is rightfully his. However, the reason why he will try to claim the throne lies in the fact that people around him are suffering under the reign of his eldest brother. He has no choice.

(How far should I go with this? Should I just spoil the whole book? )

You don't have to spoil the book but sometimes I think we work so hard to avoid spoiling that our blurbs end up being too vague and generic.

Does something like this butcher it?:

Renn considers himself a normal farmboy. Or as normal as someone can be despite a useless leg. Then the recently outlawed Sir Durrik of Telmin reveals that Renn is far from normal. He is a Delshai, the son of a king. More importantly, he is heir to the throne of Ventilla.

Ren doesn't want the throne but his people are suffering under the reign of a murderous tyrant - the brother he never wanted or knew he had. A flurry of danger arises as Renn must evade assassination, escape a conflict between outlaws and thieves, and seek help from those whom he finds it impossible to trust.

Can Renn discover the secret of his father's seal before he is found and slain? Or will an uprising erupt across Ventilla and destroy everything?

Ooh! I really like that! I might toy with it a little bit, but I really really like it! Thanks, Lady Sparks!

I'm almost awake. What if physical issues are part of the royal heritage? Sort of a "keep them humble" note from God.

Renn works hard despite his crippled leg. Like everyone else he suffers under the new king's harsh rule. Like everyone else he hopes those fighting to save their families and crops succeed. Then Sir Durrik of Telmin, recently outlawed for refusing to slaughter innocents, reveals the usurped throne of Ventilla is rightfully Renn's.

The "keep them humble" note sort of ties in with the seal. Let me dig out my description of it...

Okay, here's a little excerpt from "The Seal of Ventilla."

Learning across the table, I placed it in his outstretched palm. Candlelight glimmered on the golden ring at the end of the chain. I watched as Sir Durrik studied the design that I had puzzled over for so many years. Light reflected off a white jewel set in place of the full moon. I closed my eyes, picturing the rest of the ring in my mind. A massive dragon stood at the base of a prosperous tree. It held a dead torch in one hand, while a bow lay snapped beneath its other front foot. A mountain range rose in the background.

The dead torch is supposed to symbolize that even when our light goes out (even when we lose strength) God is still there guiding us, showing us the way to go. I guess that's not exactly along the lines of "keep them humble," but it was a reminder to Renn's father that there are times when he would fail, when he would have no clue where to go or what to do next, when he would simply lose sight of the task God had laid before him.

If you all want to help me refine the meaning of the seal, I'd appreciate your help. Just tell me if you are interested and I can post the full meaning.

Thanks again for all your input! I really do appreciate it!

I really like the new version of the blurb. The line "I'm almost awake" seemed a little disconnected, but basically I loved everything else.

Definitely a blurb that would make me say "Tell me more."

Hehe...the "I'm almost awake" was me the friend noting that my brain wasn't geared up yet.

Teyn, I skimmed some of the WIP. My first reaction is "Hey, this is pretty cool!" I have a social event today that will wear me out since I don't do "people" well. I owe someone else a solution to an issue. Then I'll make time for a full read and response if my energy level lets me stay awake. If not today, then early this week.

I'm liking your thought processes.

Okay, thanks! I look forward to hearing what you think!

I'm enjoying it. Have you considered doing what I'm doing with the "Ought Five and One Two Three" thread? Folks and questions here have improved the story and taken it in different directions.

A couple things to consider. People who use crutches or canes long term get comfortable with them much like we walk. The compensation comes natural.

Also, perhaps add smells to the story? The fire, the stew, and Ma's hair would each have positive and distinctive smells.

This comment reminded me of a video I saw on facebook the other day. Talk about comfortable in his crutches...

Are you talking about when Renn trips?

I will try to add smells into the story.

I'm still in the process of developing Sir Durrik's character, and am trying to decide the exact relation he had to Renn's father.

Option A: An adviser (60-70ish)

Option B: A childhood friend (50ish)

Option C: A mentee/former heir to the throne before Renn was born (30-40ish)

Let me know what you think (and how old exactly you think he should be). Thanks ahead of time!

Take... I forget what number this is.

Renn considers himself a normal farm boy – as normal as someone can be with a useless leg. Then Sir Durrik of Telmin reveals that Renn is far from normal. He is a Delshai – the son of a king. More importantly, he is heir to the throne of Ventilla.

Claiming the throne is farthest from Renn’s desires, but the people of Ventilla – his people – are suffering under the reign of a murderous tyrant – the brother he never knew he had or even wanted. A flurry of danger arises as Renn must evade assassination, escape a conflict between the Bandits and the Jelhilm, and seek help from those whom he finds it impossible to trust.

Can Renn discover the secret of his father's seal before it’s too late? And can he prevent an uprising from erupting across Ventilla, shedding the blood of thousands?

Sorry for the delay in responding. It's been a season.

Yes, when he tripped. In fact, would it give you a chance to show more of the character? Is Renn's story arc that he is already competent and moves into a larger world? Let him take a tumble and get back up quickly, laughing. Is Renn self-defeatist? He tumbles and bangs his fist on the ground yet again. Is Renn manipulative? He waits for help even when he can get up himself.

Part of my own struggle with TDW.1419.1 was showing the main character as selfish and insensitive. Alpha readers pointed out that there was nothing in the first draft that gave them reason to sympathize with her early on. They were right and I had to dig into the character more and show her strengths. She is a good kid though still starting out selfish and insensitive.

This scene is where you show why readers want to transfer themselves to Renn.

So, sometimes I cheat. Read ahead in the story and see what he needs to know and be able to do. That will give you some idea of his age. Then think of a way to add a twist to the character. Maybe Durrik's younger sister was Renn's dad's, um, snuggle-bunny for a while. The two fought over it but became fast friends when the girl told them both to go take a hike and ran off with a merchant caravan.

Thanks for your input, Domici! That was, uh, a very interesting twist.

I think I'm going to go with the former heir because it has so much potential for further tension. I think how this is going to work is Durrik's father was childhood friends with Renn's father. When Renn's father saw how unfit his own sons were for the throne, he secretly chose Durrik as his successor. Then Renn was born. If Renn didn't show the traits his father was looking for in his successor, then Durrik would indeed claim the throne. And so, you can imagine how complicated everything got when Renn's father was murdered and Renn disappeared. This also gives me the opportunity to come at Renn the other way with opposition since *spoiler alert* Durrik has a young son who's quite angry at Renn and blames him for everything Renn's oldest brother has done...because Renn being born is the reason why Durrik doesn't have the throne.

Just let me know when you need something interestingly twisted.