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"Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
https://archive.holyworlds.org/viewtopic.php?f=29&t=9798		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Domici [ June 19th, 2017, 8:03 pm ]
Post subject:  "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"

Eleven year old Diedre "Dede" McKenna studied hard and entered Firster Academy two full yeras early. Her academics made her a star. Her brains opened doors. Then the dumbest girl in class risks her life for another. Dede must forever remain the girl she is or face the woman she can become.
Author:  Teyn Greenhood [ June 20th, 2017, 5:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
I'd say that this one is "not feeling it." Having read through all of your posted Ought Five writings, I think you could add a little more to really capture attention. There's not really much conflict in this.

Here are some questions to consider that might add a little more flare to the summary. Why must Dede stay the same or change? What are you asking the reader to care about? The dumbest girl in class...okay, why does she matter and how do her actions affect Dede?

Happy writing!

(Just to be fair, I'll try to post a description of one of my stories, so that it can be picked at :D )
Author:  Lady Sparks [ June 23rd, 2017, 1:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
The first few lines are interesting. But the last part has me wondering why Dede cares about the dumbest girl risking her life and how that has any implication on her.
Author:  Domici [ June 23rd, 2017, 1:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
Dede's struggle comes from James 2; favoritism. She's wrapped up in being the good girl and shining star. She does well but it's the girl that everyone thinks is dumbest that's befriending Dede when others don't and doing brave stuff when Dede doesn't.

Dede faces her failure to see people as God created them. It means swallowing her pride and growing significantly. It means making mistakes like smoking. Well, pretty much anything done while hanging around Ought Eight can be considered risky.
Author:  Gailius [ June 23rd, 2017, 3:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
We need a thumbs up emoji. I like it. It feels like it's speaking personally to the reader, unlike a lot of other blurbs. I would definitely read it.
Author:  Mistress Kidh [ June 28th, 2017, 7:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
Tell me more--but just because I like the genre. The blurb doesn't make much sense. If you combined your second post with the blurb I think it would improve it--it's much clearer.
Author:  Domici [ June 28th, 2017, 7:37 am ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
Mistress Kidh wrote:
Tell me more--but just because I like the genre. The blurb doesn't make much sense. If you combined your second post with the blurb I think it would improve it--it's much clearer.


What do you think of the "Marine" blurb? I'm looking at how to better do back cover blurbs and can use the critique. The "Marine" one is my latest effort and may be the Camp NaNo effort.

Extra points for you as it uses the WIG aircraft. :P
Author:  Mistress Kidh [ June 28th, 2017, 11:29 am ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
Leam, do you mind if I post about WIG on HW? I don't really use google drive.
Author:  Domici [ June 28th, 2017, 11:36 am ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
Mistress Kidh wrote:
Leam, do you mind if I post about WIG on HW? I don't really use google drive.


Quite happy to see it! Please! I tend to consider my HW sisters and brothers that "electronic family you subject to early drafts". :diehappyhalo
Author:  Teyn Greenhood [ July 19th, 2017, 1:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
Domici, do you want comments on "Ought Five" here or on the actual WIP thread?

I'm going to re-read all your posts sometimes soon so I can refresh my memory on what's happened and give feedback. Keep up the good work! :D
Author:  Domici [ July 19th, 2017, 3:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: "Tell Me More" Challenge - "Ought Five"
Teyn Greenhood wrote:
Domici, do you want comments on "Ought Five" here or on the actual WIP thread?

I'm going to re-read all your posts sometimes soon so I can refresh my memory on what's happened and give feedback. Keep up the good work! :D


There's a "Comments and Critique" thread just for that purpose. I look forward to you feedback!

One of the things I'm working on is showing Dede smoking. From my viewpoint it's humor; she's doing things smokers do. They tell themselves they can quit any time, that it's the stress that makes them do it, and they know it's stupid. Dede won't death spiral off the deep end but it is fun showing her making human mistakes.
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