Twelve year old Jo accidentally reveals her deepest secret to her "pinky promise brother" Mon while his adult mentor Miss Jones is missing in enemy space. Mon's voice is cracking, Jo is recovering from eye surgery, and both of them are six and a half light years from home. Strangers show up asking dangerous questions and the two must find themselves to find their friends.

As written, I would pass, because most of the information in this synopsis seems disconnected. We go from children's secrets to people missing and strangers asking questions. The latter two things are more interesting and give us hints that there's greater stakes involved. I would focus more on the greater stakes, and make sure everything in the synopsis is connected and builds on each other. If you did that, I might go for a "tell me more."

This look more tempting?

People are missing all over Tenalphi; special people. Jo's surgery fails while she and Mon are more than three light years from home. Miss Jones, Mon's enigmatic mentor, helps them escape an attack at the hospital. She tells the kids they are special, then she goes missing too.

Yes, much better! I think the wording could still be refined, but the plot is very solid in this draft.

The latest version, critique?

The Domici War, Imperial Calendar Year 1429, Book 3 (TDW.1429.3)

Summary:

A pair of twelve year olds must survive blindness, gangs, agents, mystical powers, and the onset of puberty.


Hook:

People are quietly being lost all over Tenalphi. Special people. The surgery failed, Jo is blind. Then she accidentally shares her deepest secret with Mon. Mon's enigmatic mentor disappears right after telling the kids how special they are. They are on a strange planet where stories of enemy agents, underworld gangs, and mystical powers become real.

As adults keep disappearing around them the twelve year olds must face who they are as individuals, and as friends, or they will suffer the fate of the other special people.

The summary has got a lot going for it--lots of stakes and intrigue--but I'm left wondering "To do what?" That is, they "must survive" ... survive to do what? To escape off a planet? Find their families? Defeat a bad guy? What is the main goal or antagonist? You have a lot of obstacles, but no sense of what the main plot is. The obstacles add interest and intrigue, but they are not the journey. "A blind girl with mystical powers lives in a community torn by political intrigue and gang wars" is a set up, not a plot. "A blind girl with mystical powers must defeat a rival gang and find her mother who was stolen by the government" is a plot. With the former, I have a really cool character and a lot of potential, but no idea of what the goal is or why I should be following this character's journey. In the latter, I have a cool character, a suspenseful set-up, AND a plot, a goal, and an antagonist.

Loved the summary, and I would definitely take a closer look. I feel like the hook could still use some rewording, though. Mainly the sentence about his mentor - it's just a little choppy. All in all, though, I'm​ interested.

Once more into the breach!


Special people are disappearing all over Alssijn.

The surgery failed, Jo is blind. She accidentally shares her deepest secret with Mon. Mon's enigmatic mentor disappears. They are on a strange planet where fables of enemy agents, underworld gangs, and mystical powers become real. Adults keep disappearing around them as the twelve year olds must face their greatest fears and rescue their friends.

This is definitely improving. My one complaint is that "sharing her secret" means nothing to us if either a) we don't know the secret (or have a hint at what it is) or b) we understand the stakes involved with her sharing it. We understand that it's an "accident" and she didn't want to share, but it's not clear what the potential consequences are, because the rest of the synopsis seems completely unrelated.

I feel like what's lacking is a bit of the building of the story - the journey as Lt. General Hansen put it earlier. First, Joe's surgery fails leaving her blind. Then Mon's mentor disappears, leaving the two abandoned on a planet where adults are vanishing in droves. Now, the two need to work together if either of them want to avoid similar fates and hopefully rescue their friends.

I've been wondering what Mon's puberty had to do with the plot and now I'm thinking - if only "special" adults are disappearing, and the two of them are "special", is he at risk of becoming a kidnappee because of the puberty?