| Writer |
 |
Joined: December 27th, 2014, 7:08 am
Posts: 939
|
First draftAkil likes Becky enough to break the law to get their college dorm assignments close together. She thinks he's cute in a quiet and quirky sort of way. Can he handle it when she gets close to the frightening truth?Caeli commented:I would have to say "not feeling it/can you expound on this" for this one, but that's mostly because Romance is far down on my list of genres I pick up to read.  Can you maybe expound on the law he breaks to get where he wants, and/or why/how he likes Becky this much? I feel like that could make it more dramatic and compelling, rather than jumping straight to "the frightening truth" because if he just forged some paperwork or some such, no one would feel it be very frightening?Second draft:Becky glosses over Akil's walker and sees his wry smile. Akil likes Becky; helpful and wholesome, she reminds him of home light years away. With her the nightmares seem to go away and the universe seems almost normal. You mean there are laws about breaking into the Naval Academy computer systems and "fixing" her dorm assignment? Never knew. But when Becky bakes a cake for their "one month friendship" anniversary, Akil's feelings ignite his despair; can he tell her he's not who she thinks he is, that she's not who she thinks she is, and what she knows to be true is not, in fact, so true after all?Caeli commented::D This is definitely more informative, and Akil is an interesting character I'd love to explore in a novel. I think it's definitely edging more into teaser/blurb than summary here - not a bad thing, if it's what you want. It's in more of a narrative form, which is good for a teaser, but often considered too directly detailed for a summary. (dude, I hope that's not confusing...  )
The middle part is almost a different tense. "You mean there are laws... Never knew." This sounds like Akil speaking, rather than you the writer telling us what the story is about. Only other thing, I would suggest maybe keeping the first sentence to Akil's perspective, so we know we're talking about him and seeing what he sees, instead of focusing on Becky.
Some simple change like "Akil knew Becky was special when she barely noticed his walker, and matched his smile instead." (That's dreadful, but hopefully gives you an idea what I mean?) And then just "The Naval Academy's law didn't matter to him when it came to making sure the computer system assigned their dorms close to each other." (Again, poorly done, you know your story a thousand times better than I do, but does it make sense?)
I definitely like the ending of this one better, too. Gives it a little more mystery, a bit more of a hook. 
_________________
Chronicler, the Domici War
|
|
