Forlendo, you should totally post some of yours! I'd love to read them!
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 9th, 2010, 12:41 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Bad Analogies...(very funny) |
I am also a memeber on http://www.faithwriters.com (though I rarely go on it) and when I was on one day I came across a funny blog post called Bad Analogies. I'm not sure if these were made up or pulled from several different books, but I found them to be very comical (though some are really gross). XD "The following analogies are the winning entries in a 1999 Washington Post humor contest*. I think they’re a hoot! I’ve posted the first 13 today. Come back next Friday for a few more. Hope these help to kick off your weekend with a good laugh. Enjoy! 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease." "Here are a few more of the winning entries in the 1999 Washington Post “Bad Analogies” contest. Incidentally, to give credit where credit is due, I found this list on the Writing English blog by Judy Rose. Again, hope these put a smile on your face on this Unfocused Friday! 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up." |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 9th, 2010, 12:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Wow, I love these! I've come up with a few myself...maybe I'll post some. |
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| Author: | Arias Mimetes [ September 9th, 2010, 1:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Wow. That's awesome x) |
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 9th, 2010, 1:54 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Forlendo, you should totally post some of yours! I'd love to read them!
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| Author: | Airianna Valenshia [ September 9th, 2010, 3:14 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Those can't be quotes for fantasy books can they?! I mean they were all modern analogies. Quote: 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (LOL)I mean whose dad has ever done that one? I especially liked the one where the guy compares his girl to a garbage truck. Very poetical, sure to win the girl’s heart every time. 
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| Author: | Evening L. Aspen [ September 9th, 2010, 4:01 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Wow, these are hilarious! My eyes were tearing up and my throat started hurting from laughing so hard. Oh, and my sister kept telling me to be quiet or tell me what was so funny. Unfortunately, I couldn't make out any words between laughs. Are there any more, Calenmiriel? I'd love to read more. *goes back to reread the post and resumes hooting with laughter* |
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 9th, 2010, 5:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
@ Airianna: Haha, no they're not fantasy. Faithwriter's has a caboodle of genres. It's a general Christian writing forum.Oh, and you should go to the Introductions thread and add yourself. That way you get a most proper greeting. @ Evening L. Aspen: That's all I've got. I went to the original blog from a link on Faithwriters and found on her thread: "I have to share these “funniest analogies” with you. They came in an e-mail from my sister. She got them from a cousin, who got them from a friend, who got them from… so they are circulating around. My apologies if you have already seen them. The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?" That suddenly made my day. Glad you find them humorous! XD
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| Author: | Kiev Shawn [ September 9th, 2010, 6:28 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Ha ha ha! Those are hysterical! *adds to bookmarks for future good laughs*Calenmiriel wrote: @ Airianna: Oh, and you should go to the Introductions thread and add yourself. That way you get a most proper greeting. Oh yes, very *hides a grin beneath hand* proper. There is absolutely no hilarity allowed... Okay, perhaps a tiny bit...
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| Author: | Celearas [ September 9th, 2010, 9:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
This was actually written in my 7th grade english class... He was so hungry his stomach growled like a squash. I kid you not. He wasn't the smartest squash in the band hall. Oh, this wasn't for nonsensical analogies, was it? Ah well. |
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 9th, 2010, 9:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Celearas wrote: This was actually written in my 7th grade english class... He was so hungry his stomach growled like a squash. I kid you not. He wasn't the smartest squash in the band hall. Oh, this wasn't for nonsensical analogies, was it? Ah well. Wow...0.o |
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| Author: | Celestria [ September 10th, 2010, 5:21 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
That was great!!! |
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| Author: | Yehoshua [ September 10th, 2010, 7:43 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
LOL These are hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing! |
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| Author: | Reueldreamseer [ September 10th, 2010, 9:47 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Are there any more where these came from? These are funnier than a box of 35 stale donuts in the back of a Volkswagon Beetle! |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 11th, 2010, 5:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Hmm...as a humor writer, I have a lot of funny ones that are still good. I'll have to look through my stuff and see what I can find. |
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| Author: | Kiev Shawn [ September 11th, 2010, 5:49 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I will look some of mine up... 
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 11th, 2010, 6:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
As it turned out, his favorite camping spot was accessible only by a labyrinth of trails so erratic it seemed as if the two-year-old daughter of the Forest Service administrator had plotted them out on her father’s map with crayons. I like that one. “I’m done with the milk, Mr. Lauser,” Elbert said, sounding a bit like a cow. To my surprise, he really had drank the whole glass of milk, and his bulging stomach made peculiar sloshing sounds as he got up to leave. |
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| Author: | Kiev Shawn [ September 11th, 2010, 7:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
The wind blew fiercely, like a penguin after a bird had stolen his fish. The lightning flashed like a flashy camera. The map was a mess, like a dining room after a three year old's birthday party. |
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 12th, 2010, 4:37 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Oh my goodness! These are great! XD |
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| Author: | PrincessoftheKing [ September 12th, 2010, 4:50 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
These are amazing!
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 12th, 2010, 6:41 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
By now the hunger pains had grown tired of my stomach and were cavorting up and down my esophagus. Personalization is fun. “Oh, so you’re published?” “Technically. I make about enough for a dead cat to live on. How about you?” Ironic analogies are too. Anyway, two hours passed, although at the time it seemed like half an hour. The sun fell and the deli emptied until there were only two dedicated writers there exchanging bad similes and sipping melted ice through worn-out straws. I ate my entire two-foot sandwich and drank the full quart of root beer. I began to feel heavier than before. A little bit of my latest short story that was inspired by this thread. |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 13th, 2010, 12:33 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Ah, here's one I write recently: 'My ears must have been the color of a white shirt that's been dyed red.' |
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 13th, 2010, 8:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Forlendo Alistar, Are you a comedy writer then? I think your analogies are really quite amusing! Very silly, to be frank. XD Shawn Henderson, I thought your analogies were very funny as well! I really liked this one: "The map was a mess, like a dining room after a three year old's birthday party." Because I've been to my 3 year old cousins birthday party and seen the aftermath, and I've seen certain maps that make me marvel. Haha! XD |
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| Author: | Kiev Shawn [ September 14th, 2010, 11:34 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Calenmiriel wrote: Shawn Henderson, I thought your analogies were very funny as well! I really liked this one: "The map was a mess, like a dining room after a three year old's birthday party." Because I've been to my 3 year old cousins birthday party and seen the aftermath, and I've seen certain maps that make me marvel. Haha! XD I've seen the same result...
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 14th, 2010, 6:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Calenmiriel wrote: Forlendo Alistar, Are you a comedy writer then? I think your analogies are really quite amusing! Very silly, to be frank. XD Yes, I belong to that rare breed of author.  On Facebook, my political views are listed as 'Cynical Libertarian Humorist'. On the other writing forum I use, I'm known as the EPIC Prince of Comedy (long story behind that...)
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 14th, 2010, 9:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Shawn Henderson wrote: I've seen the same result... I love your reply to this. XD Forlendo Alistar wrote: Yes, I belong to that rare breed of author. On Facebook, my political views are listed as 'Cynical Libertarian Humorist'. On the other writing forum I use, I'm known as the EPIC Prince of Comedy (long story behind that...)That's really awesome! I love hanging out with funny people. (Probably because I'm not very witty or funny myself, not my gift.) Nice political view. ;D The EPIC Prince of Comedy, huh? That's pretty special!
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ September 15th, 2010, 8:15 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I wanna hear the story!!! I laugh a lot, but I'm not actually a humor writer. My parents think I am, my parents think I could be the next Dave Berry, but I don't agree. One of my books "Katie's Korner" is a collection of stories I wrote for my dad's newsletter about our cows escapades. The readers think they're hilarious, I think they're the lamest things I've ever written.  I've had my sister laughing over things I've written in Prince of Yen too, and I failed to see the humour. I thought maybe it was my lame writing but my mom said Janin had a dry sense of humour that really tickled my sister's funny bone. So my mom knows my characters better than I do. Great. Wait a second! Why am I talking about me??? I'm hijaking the thread!!!! 
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| Author: | Elanhil [ September 15th, 2010, 9:19 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
LOL!! literally! These are hilarious. |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 16th, 2010, 6:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
My best friend dubbed me the EPIC Prince of Comedy...although it was a little while before she became my best friend. She had about 24,000 posts on the forum so she was an 'Epic' member. At one point she made a little group for her friends called the 'Side of EPIC' (big story behind that too...) and I joined as the EPIC Prince of Comedy. Janin, Humor is very subjective. It could be that you have a different sense of humor than your family and whoever else...or maybe they all have weird senses of humor. I'm still studying humor, but someday I will write a book on it. I'm just now learning how certain types of humor appeal to certain types of people. It is very confusing. On a random note, I'm intending to get a PhD in English of some sort and I'll probably write my dissertation on humor and the art of writing it.
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 16th, 2010, 6:27 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
That's sweet! PhD in English, huh? That's pretty awesome! I love to write, but I'm not very good at English. Overall I'm a B-C student in all my studies. Yay, dyslexia...Okay, I don't blame it, but it does make things more difficult. :P
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 16th, 2010, 6:38 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I know the feeling...I think. I'm not sure really how dyslexic I am (it would have to be just a small amount and I have A's in everything) but I notice it most of the time...when words and the letters in them start switching places. I have the hardest time with spacial things...although that might just be due to my lack of nearly all visualization skills. I.e...I can't see pictures in my mind or memorize where something is visually. On the other hand, I'm very good with patterns and numbers. Still trying to figure this all out... Mind analysis is fun.
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| Author: | Elanhil [ September 16th, 2010, 8:48 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
You're a comedy writer, Forlendo? I'd love to read some of your work. I enjoy laughing but I have a hard time writing humor. |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 17th, 2010, 12:51 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I'll make you a deal. I'll post my collection of 40 short humor stories (totaling a little over 50,000 words) and you can read it and give me a critique. Sound good?
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| Author: | Elanhil [ September 18th, 2010, 2:12 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
SWEEET!!! I'll be right here waiting. |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 18th, 2010, 12:28 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Hmm. When I try to upload the file, it says the board attachment quota has been reached. |
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| Author: | Kiev Shawn [ September 18th, 2010, 12:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Same problemo. I posted about it in the Q and A. |
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| Author: | Willow Wenial Mimetes [ September 19th, 2010, 8:00 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
He fell to the floor with a thud and lay there like a bleaching, beached whale on a hot summer day in Antarctica. |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 20th, 2010, 9:22 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I careened across the path and collided with someone’s little fence, snapping the sticks off like frozen nose hairs. |
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 20th, 2010, 10:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Willow Wenial wrote: He fell to the floor with a thud and lay there like a bleaching, beached whale on a hot summer day in Antarctica. Hahaha! I love it! It's such an oxymoron! (That would be correct, yes?) Forlendo Alistar wrote: I careened across the path and collided with someone’s little fence, snapping the sticks off like frozen nose hairs. I have never, ever heard of anything compared to the likes of frozen nose hairs....Genius! |
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| Author: | Arias Mimetes [ September 21st, 2010, 1:34 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Forlendo Alistar wrote: Humor is very subjective. It could be that you have a different sense of humor than your family and whoever else...or maybe they all have weird senses of humor. I'm still studying humor, but someday I will write a book on it. I'm just now learning how certain types of humor appeal to certain types of people. It is very confusing. Kind of like I find humor in zombies and blood (fictional, of course... real pain or whatever isn't funny), while my siblings would rather laugh at things people say or do? lol It's hard to explain my humor really... I also tend to pick on myself =P But I'm not really that funny in my writing. Anyhow... I'll have to find some analogies later. |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 21st, 2010, 6:31 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Humor is hard to explain, period. Which is why I'll probably wait for my dissertation to write anything extensive on it. |
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| Author: | Elanhil [ September 22nd, 2010, 7:34 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I looked at Elanhil's essence and saw one that I think I'll re-write. "The talent of a skilled chef" What was I thinking? That makes NO sense. |
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ September 22nd, 2010, 10:34 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Oooh... I remembered one of mine. It's really weird. I think it's mine, but I didn't actually make it up... I dreamed it. "you feel your life begin to slip away like a flea past its prime or the smell of pepper dying." |
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| Author: | Elanhil [ September 23rd, 2010, 8:57 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
What is the smell of pepper dying? 
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 23rd, 2010, 9:50 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Elanhil wrote: What is the smell of pepper dying? My guess would be like a little firework show of pepper popping around your nostrils with the faint sound of little pepper screams... |
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ September 23rd, 2010, 10:42 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I have no idea. It was a dream. Weirdest thing from a dream I've ever remembered.
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| Author: | Neil of Erk [ September 24th, 2010, 2:57 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
The analogy that always kills me is: The pregnant woman waddled across the room like a flightless Antarctic bird. And the reaction? Pregnant-Duck-Woman: That was less than flattering! Seriously. People analogize pregnant women to ducks. Is this the depth we have sunk to? |
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| Author: | Kiev Shawn [ September 25th, 2010, 7:59 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Janin of Yen wrote: I have no idea. It was a dream. Weirdest thing from a dream I've ever remembered.Off topic, but has anyone ever dreamed something that they've never done (like talking to 2 people you don't know in a restaurant you have never seen in your life), and then it actually happened later on (like deja vous), or am I alone in the world? (That was quite the run on sentence. )
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ September 25th, 2010, 9:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
I... don't know. I want to think it actually happened once but I don't think so. I want to talk more, but there's no point corrupting this thread. I'll go start a new one.
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| Author: | Calenmiriel [ September 26th, 2010, 10:07 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Neil of Erk wrote: The analogy that always kills me is: The pregnant woman waddled across the room like a flightless Antarctic bird. And the reaction? Pregnant-Duck-Woman: That was less than flattering! Seriously. People analogize pregnant women to ducks. Is this the depth we have sunk to? That is truly horrible. >< How are the women supposed to feel when they are described that way???? |
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| Author: | The Wolverminion [ September 26th, 2010, 5:29 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Bad Analogies...(very funny) ;) |
Okay, the upload problem is fixed, so I got my collection of 40 short comic stories uploaded in the story excerpts board. viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1047&start=0
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