It is with a heavy heart that I stand before you all today, in this room. Before when I would post in here I would post with a sense of joy, for though I would be gone from Holy Worlds for a short time, I always knew I would be returning very soon, and I looked forward to being back among you all.

Today I do not stand here with that same joy. I stand here today with the heavy weight that finality brings, for today I am announcing my departure from Holy Worlds.

I am aware of the fact that this news does not come as a total shock to many of you, since you have been keeping up on the New Admin thread. I am sorry that you found out about my impending departure that way. It was never my intention for you to hear about it by another and with no explanation from me. I am also sorry that because of the premature news of my departure certain things have been said to complicate and sully the nature of my leaving. My prayer is that you will read my post without the words of others rolling through your mind, remembering that I have always been honest with you guys.

The truth of the matter is that I did make the decision to leave a couple weeks ago, but I did not say anything to you all at that time (with the exception of certain members whom I was counseling with and whom I felt deserved to know before I released the information at large) because I had much to address and set in order before my departure, as I wanted to leave in the best way possible.

Also, I knew it would take me some time to construct the current post you are reading because I wanted much prayer to go into my words. My reasons for typing this post have nothing to do with trying to create fanfare, generate sympathy, seek attention, or gain recognition for my accomplishments, as some have insinuated. I was asked to leave silently, it is true, giving no details as to why I am leaving, but I said that I refused to do so because you all deserve to know why I am leaving.

Which brings me to something that I think is very important and needs to be discussed. I want to make very clear that what I will be revealing in this post is very difficult for me because I have no desire to shred anyone or defame their character, especially not people who were once very dear friends of mine; however, some of the things I will be discussing are not flattering. I take no pleasure in that, and my heart breaks as I go back over all of this information. But the truth must be told, and I will not lie to you all. I’m not going to say “I am leaving because the Lord is taking me down new paths and I simply don’t have time anymore” when that just isn’t the case. It would be a gross disrespect to so treat the people I have come to love and care about over the four years that I have been here. So what you do with the things I say is entirely up to you. I believe you guys are smart, mature individuals. You don’t need me to think for you. You all can think for yourselves.

Furthermore, I have no desire to pressure anyone or make them “side” with me. To be quite honest, I find it appalling that certain individuals want to make all of this into a loyalties war. That is petty and an unloving thing to do to your friends. I will not be party to such a base misuse of friendship.

I deeply care about you guys, each and every one of you, including those members that I have not the pleasure of knowing personally. Every one of you is valuable to me—your thoughts and opinions do matter, for I know that the future of this forum, which I love dearly, rests with you all as the “next generation” if you will, of Holy Worlders. Our words cannot change the past. But, as a very mature Holy Worlder has said, they can alter the future, and that is very true. Because you know what? Leaders can think what they’d like about being in charge and being the ones that make decisions and alter the course of things, but the reality is you guys are the ones that will rise up down the road and become the new leaders. I remember when most every active member currently on this site was a newbie. Many of you received e-mails from me welcoming you to the community. You know why? You all are worth investing in. You look at many of the leaders in power now, and they came into their ranks after I got here. The group of leaders that watched over Holy Worlds when I first got here are no longer the ones in charge. New leaders have risen up, and even more will in the future.

To be honest, one of the reasons why I am leaving is because of the shift in the forum’s mindset. Once upon a time we cared about everyone’s opinion. We respected each other firstly because we were brothers and sisters in Christ and secondly because we had forged deep friendships with one another. If we disagreed we were not attacked for that disagreement. We were never told our opinion didn’t matter. We were never passed over. Sadly, this core is no longer at the heart of Holy Worlds and several leaders have adopted the mindset that they don’t care, they don’t want to work through things, and they have no qualms about hurting those that disagree in the process.

The truth of the matter is, I am leaving Holy Worlds for a variety of reasons, but the biggest reasons are because of leadership and the lengths that they are willing to go to achieve the end that they desire. Myself and others chose not to do what we felt was necessary, in order to protect the forum and place it firmly back on a path that would allow it to grow and thrive, because what needed to be done was, in many ways, treacherous by nature. And we were unwilling to risk our friendship with the former leader. In turn, however, we were repaid by the former leader with betrayal, treachery, and most obviously not the same respect we showed him.

And upon that foundation the new systems are being made. The system changes are very much influenced and determined upon by the previous forum leader, and I cannot support the things put in place by a leader who placed his vision for Holy Worlds over the essence of Holy Worlds. What is that essence, you might ask? The essence of Holy Worlds has always been the community—the love, respect, devotion, and camaraderie of the forum—boiled down to its very basic nature, the essence of this forum is friendship. That is what made Holy Worlds different than every other forum. What made it special was the fact that when you came here, you felt like family. And it breaks my heart that we have lost so much of that essence that people are willing to break friendships over their desires for Holy World’s vision and the way in which they want to run it.

Which is the reason why so many people keep mentioning the forum is dying. I think people mistakenly believe that members are saying the forum is dying because things have hit a lull and the forums are quiet, but everyone I have talked to is not saying the forum is dying because HW has hit a slow time. They are saying it because of how much of the community we have lost. And I don’t mean numbers-wise. That is an easy fix. I mean essence-wise.

It has been said that part of the reason why I am leaving is because I am upset about the council being removed and I am power hungry. That I am leaving because I am mad and don’t want to lose my position and authority.

Let me make something very clear so that you all know, for a fact, what my stance is, and not what other people say it is. The Council wanted change. Jay has made it seem like, to many, that we did not, but we desperately did. We wanted to change the situation. The reality is many of us said that a new Admin was needed once we found out that Jay would be in prison for five years. A proposition was made that power be handed over to the Council for a time being so that we might be able to get things in order so that, as a collective body, we might be able to make a decision on who would be the best person to promote as the new admin. Jay did not want us to have that power, obviously, and for a while he didn’t want to renounce the role of Admin, either.

But of course, over the past few months the Council has been made to be the bad guy, despite the most recent heralding of what “heroes” we were, despite the fact that in an e-mail to someone Jay says that we (the Council) were his worst mistake. If that is his position then fine, he is entitled to it, no matter how much I disagree with the fact that the Council itself was not the issue, but the management of it. My issue is not so much with the fact that he holds the views of the Council that he does, but rather, my issue is that he tells you all we are heroes and then tells other people behind closed doors that we were a mistake.

It is interesting to me that many of the frustrations you all had with the Council, were the same frustrations the Council had. I know that I personally desired that the council not be a stagnant user group. I told Jay a year ago that we needed to cycle off old, inactive members, with honor, and cycle on new, active members. That we mix the old blood with the new. Members like Jonathan, Aubrey, and Elanor were individuals that I said should be cycled on. But the answer this was met with was no.

The Council was a great system. It is true I am very sad to see it go, but not because I happened to be on it and I’m now throwing a hissy fit because all my permissions have been removed and my rank deleted. I mourn its loss primarily because I think the removal of the Council will have negative impacts on the health of the forum. It greatly minimizes accountability among the leadership. The reality is, Jay was accountable to us, the Council, as a collective whole, and we to him. Yes, he had ultimate decision making powers, but there was a delicate checks and balance system held in place because, should he choose to go against council and do something that we as a whole felt was wrong, we had the power to do something about it. Advisors without power aren’t much of an accountability system. Yes they can advise with their words, but they cannot hold the leader accountable when necessary because they have no grounds for authority.

Furthermore, the new Admin has lost her greatest source of protection through the removal of the Council. Many, many times the Council helped smooth out issues and take care of situations that would have been very detrimental to the Admin. We protected Jay when needed. Being in such a high position of authority opens you up for much backbiting and pain the longer you are in that role. Part of our job as the Council was to help be a form of protection to the Admin. And that protection will no longer be in place.

On the subject of me being power hungry, I would like to simply make this comment. If I were, then I would not have rejected the role of Admin when multiple members came to me, after the Council chose as a whole not to commit “treachery”, and asked me to take up the position and begin getting things on the right path. I declined for two reasons. One, because I did not think that I would be the best choice for Admin. I prayed long and hard for the Lord to reveal to me the choice He felt would be the right person for the job and I really don’t think it was me. Secondly, because I was unwilling to act treacherously towards a friend even more so as an individual than I was as a collective head of leaders. Unfortunately, that loyalty was not paid back with such fealty, and many lies and harmful things were said during the process, and much was hidden from forum members, myself included, which should have been told to them.

Which brings me to yet another thing that has brought about my decision to leave. The level of secrecy that exists on this forum is somewhat staggering. Things that should be kept private are not, and things that should not be kept private almost always are. And not just from unranked members. This secrecy pervades every tier of leadership. In fact, while I know most everyone thinks that the Council holds all the secrets, many secrets are kept from Council members just as much as they are from you guys. And all of this secrecy doesn’t just boil back to Jay, either. There is this whole environment on the forum that seems to necessitate secrecy from members, be it because people think that they won’t be agreed with and therefore don’t want to say things to certain people, or be it because people are just accustomed to the secrecy. The problem with all of this secrecy, though, is that an environment of secrecy does not promote trust. It doesn’t promote accountability. It most certainly doesn’t promote teamwork. Instead, it caters to an individualistic mentality, or worse yet forum clicks, which are toxic to the very nature of what we want Holy Worlds to be. And yet, secrecy continues. Things that members should know are neither discussed with them, nor told to them until something has already happened.

Even still my reasons for leaving also come down to the Genesis three pass the buck mentality that pervades this forum. I have been raised to not only understand what being a true leader is, but to recognize that it’s not a glorified position. It is one that involves hard labor and much responsibility. One of the signs of a good leader is that they fully understand that everything is their fault. Now I don’t mean that in the sense that no one else does wrong, but in the sense that a leader recognizes that faults and wrongdoings carried out by those under them is their responsibility, and they bear the blame. They don’t push it off onto others. Which, unfortunately, is something that Jay, along with others, have been doing for a while.

If one of my HRM make a mistake, I am the one who addresses the situation and stands accountable for it. If something in User Handling goes amiss, I am the one who fixes it and makes the apologies whether or not I was directly responsible or involved. I’m the leader. I’m the one who takes care of it. Recently there was a User Handling issue that arose and many members were very upset about it, and the way in which certain individuals handled it. I honestly had no control over things that were said and done, as it all happened without my knowledge on places outside of Holy Worlds, but I still stood before the wronged and gave my apologies. I took on the responsibility as if I myself had done it. Then I went and privately talked with those involved in order to address future issues.

For a while now Jay has been blaming the Council for wrong doing. He has blamed the rank structure. He has blamed those “in power”. He has blamed all sorts of things and people and taken very little blame for himself. The reality is, he was the leader. It should all fall back on him, even if he technically did not do it. That is the price of leadership. Or at least, it is the sign of a good leader that understands their role is to serve, not lord over things. He takes little responsibility for his mismanagement and instead blames it on others. This type of attitude is one that I have no respect for, and it breaks my heart to see Jay harm his leadership in this manner.

Which leads me into the last thing I am going to share with you all. Originally I planned on being very vague as to some of the wrongs committed by leadership, but after council and seeing that you guys felt even more confused with no information, I decided that it was right for you to have some basic info, though I do not plan on divulging all the wrongs committed and I have no wish to partake in a mudslinging contest.

I cannot support a leader who tells one member one thing and tells me the exact opposite, as has been the case with Jay. In an e-mail to myself 2 weeks ago Jay tells me that he is wrapping up with his plans to make Elanor Admin and he is going to remove my rank. The very next day another Holy Worlds member receives an e-mail that says that Jay is still considering said member as Admin and would the member please send him his thoughts on how he would change Holy Worlds. This e-mail was an outright lie and broke my heart when I read it. Why was I reading it when it was meant for another? Because I was trying to keep myself accountable by sending all of the e-mails received by myself to certain accountability partners, as well as all the e-mails I sent so that no one would be able to question what I was doing. The fact that one of my accountability partners received this e-mail is why I found out about it, and it certainly made me question how many other e-mails have been sent to people with information that was different from my own.

I cannot support a leader who does this, nor can I the decisions he makes to set up a new system.

Now, you may all be wondering, well, if Jay is leaving and no longer in power, then why in the world are you still leaving? Well, quite simply, because his plans and desires for Holy Worlds are still being carried out and put into effect. The thoughts about a new ranking system, which we are beginning to see the effects of now, were plans that Jay had been talking about a few months ago, and I cannot support the implementation of things which Jay desires for the forum to do, in light of all the recent issues with his leadership. I pray that Elanor rises from this and breaks away from leaning upon Jay’s thoughts and decisions, but as of yet, the actions being put in place have been a result of their discussions and their plans for the new changes in Holy Worlds.

Do I think that the new Admin should have left things the same? No, I do not. My council for what we should do when a new Admin was chosen was to not try and sway them with our own preconceived notions of how things should work (and I don’t just mean Jay, I mean all of us) and allow the new admin to formulate their own plans and desires for the structure of Holy Worlds and let them come to us (at that point the Council who was going to help get the New Admin firmly established within the community) asking our thoughts and advice on their plans. They should be given a fresh slate to be able to make their own decisions and create their own systems and leadership structures. What is the point of appointing a new leader if you place all of your own thoughts and ideas upon them to carry out?

Elanor says that she will make decisions without Jay, and I pray for you all that that is true. But for the moment, I know that the plans being carried out were planned by Jay months ago when he was still talking with the Council. And I cannot support his desires for leadership structuring anymore, when he has shown himself to be an unfit leader.

I would like to state that my decision to leave has not been made lightly. I have no desire to leave Holy Worlds. Some of you know that the joke has been that I will be late to my own wedding (and I DETEST being late to things) because I had to check Holy Worlds before walking down the aisle. And while it is a silly joke, it does demonstrate the passion I have for this place, and the amount of time and dedication I have put into it. I would never make such a decision lightly.

It has been said that simply becoming inactive will not solve the problems going on here on Holy Worlds. And it is true. Inactivity will not solve the issues going on. But there comes a time when people shut down, they stop listening, and you are no longer capable of impacting good change. The reality is I have fought for this forum at times when others felt we should let it crash and burn. When people lost hope, I was there to help rally them. I tried to always point out the light in the dark. I believed in this place because of the people. I tried never to lose sight of that. But now things have changed, and decisions get made without consequence. People can do things without accountability and without care of who will be harmed in the process. The reality is, there comes a time when your presence can no longer solve anything, either. So the prayer must be that taking a stand will.

I think we make it seem like leaving is giving up. That it is a sign of weakness. But I am here to tell you it’s not weakness. To be honest, the cowards way out would be for me to stay. Leaving is so much harder than staying. I’m not giving up because the work ahead to fix the forum will be hard. Anyone who says that must not know me very well. You can ask most of the members here and they will tell you that I’m head strong. I’m a fighter. I fight for what I believe is right with a passion, and I protect the hurting and the oppressed. My job is to be a fighter. I work with troubled teens; you can’t take the coward’s way out when things get hard. You have to be willing to fight. You have to be willing to push them, even if it means they will hate you for a moment.

I would love to stick around and rectify the problems. But we can’t always do that. Some will say, and have said, that the reason I and others are leaving is because we didn’t “get our way”. I would laugh at such a comment if this weren’t such a serious matter. Do you know how often I don’t get my way? The reality is that often we are too busy wanting our own way of doing things to even stop and listen to what people are saying. I’m very accustomed to “not getting my way” on Holy Worlds, but even more in my personal life. Only a child would leave because they didn’t get their way, and they will live a very unhappy life because there will be many situations in life where they don’t get their way. That’s just life.

Furthermore, it has been said that members will “pick up the pieces” left by myself and others when we leave. To be quite honest, I resent such comments because they insinuate that there will be carnage left by those of us choosing to leave, and the reality is, I would be the first to put a stop to such behavior. The whole reason no one knew about my departure until a week ago was because I was unwilling to drag people into the messiness of this whole situation. You didn’t know because I would not have done that to the forum. That would have been attention seeking, and I don’t play that game.

Leaving Holy Worlds has nothing to do with no longer wanting to be a part of this community. A member said that it is my loss for leaving Holy Worlds. And you know what, it is my loss, and it is a loss that will haunt me for a long time and breaks my heart. I don’t need anyone to tell me losing HW is a loss. I’m more aware than most. I don’t wish this pain on anyone, and I am glad that those remaining are able to do so, but do not mock those of us who have not the benefit of being scarless through this whole situation.

Which brings me to perhaps the most important part of my post. I have always said that no one, and I mean NO ONE, on this forum has the right to tear down the faith of their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. To call into question whether or not someone is following Christ, especially when you know nothing about the situation, is not appropriate and does nothing but continue to tear down this community. So while I am a leader and still a member of this forum, I feel it is my duty to say that it breaks my heart to see forum members doing this very thing. No one is leaving because their opinion wasn’t considered. No one is leaving because the person they wanted to be Admin wasn’t chosen. No one is leaving because they will no longer be “in power”. To say that we who are leaving are doing so for these reasons, and therefore not following Christ, is not only unkind to the individuals these comments are made against, but continues to degrade the forum by undercutting the essence of the Holy Worlds community.

Now, I’m not going to defend myself on this subject, I don’t think I need to; you guys can decide for yourselves if you think that is why I’m leaving or not, but what I will say is that those who think I lost power, are grossly mistaken. The real power on this forum is the power of relationships, and I have relationships with most every member. I didn’t lose power just because certain individuals felt like they should remove my permissions and my rank. The reality is I’m not miffed because I’m not popular enough to sway public opinion. The response to my leaving makes very clear that quite the opposite is true. However I would never, ever, abuse the love and respect that exists between myself and the members of Holy Worlds by asking them to take sides. That’s not what this is about. I have made very clear that no one, NO ONE, should be leaving as a sign of loyalty to me. If they leave, they need to do so with much prayer, consideration, and with legitimate reasons for their departure. And loyalty to me is not a good reason.

We are brothers and sisters in Christ, people. That should bind us together, not a forum. Just because people are leaving does not mean they are breaking bonds. The assumption is that those leaving want nothing to do with the people of HW anymore, and I know for me that just isn’t so. My relationship with you all has never been contingent upon Holy Worlds. In fact, I have met up with, in person, more Holy Worlds members than just about anyone else has on this forum, I think. Why? Not because they were Holy Worlds members. Because they were my friends. And they will continue to be my friends. My bonds with the members of Holy Worlds will not be broken. We need to start remembering our Bible stories, guys. Don’t you know that though Paul and Barnabas were no longer able to continue their ministry together, they still remained friends and the Lord blessed them both in their ministries? I cannot vouch for whether or not the Lord will continue to bless Holy Worlds. I think many things done on this forum have not been pleasing to Him, but it is up to the community whether or not they will change that. I do know, however, that He is pleased with mine, and I will be leaving this relationship in the spirit of Paul and Barnabas.

This is not the end for me. I will always be available, and I fully expect to continue the relationships I have forged with you all, just in a different capacity. My door will always be open to you guys, just like it always has been. If you have a problem or an issue, I’m always available, even if it is a Holy Worlds related issue. Just be aware that I will no longer have the power to fix your hurts and your frustrations. For that, I am truly sorry. It has been hard being unable to fix things.

But before I leave, I want to leave you guys with something to mull on, especially since I know there are many hard and bitter feelings being harbored between members due to the wrongs committed against them and others. I want to remind you guys not to harbor ill will and to ensure that you protect your good memories.

Our memories are so precious. They are little snapshots of times past that were happy and warmed our hearts. I have many such happy memories that include this very forum and the members therein. And while Jay has grossly wronged me and several others, I will not allow those wounds to fester and infect my memories. I did have good times with Jay, once upon a time, and I don’t want the things going on over the past few months to negate that. Jay is no longer the man I knew. He has done things I never thought he would do, and he has said things I never thought I would hear him say. But, those things do not change that once he was my friend. Once he and I were very close.

It has been said we should not hold onto past hurts and wrongs. That we should not allow those things to change who we are. And you know what? I agree with that statement. We should not. And I for one will not allow these things to change me. However, I will allow these things to grow me, and I will allow the Lord to use them and forge me into a much stronger individual because of them. But never will I allow these things to change who I am.

I will remain on Holy Worlds for a few more days to talk with you guys if need be, and transition everyone over to the other avenues in which you can reach me if you do not have my name/account info in order to contact me (phone, text, e-mail, google+, Skype, G-mail hangouts), but then I will be signing off and placing my rank as a foundational member.

With much love,
Airianna/Kaitlyn

I'm gonna miss you, Airi. *hugs*

I am really rather mystified by all the drama and slew of leaving members. Not being privy to any of it I can't really speak to it.
I will miss your perspective Airianna. The forum won't be the same.

Goodbye, Airi. *Quiet* Thank you for explaining why you're going and making your position clear. *Hugs* May God bless you.

*hugs her little Sunspot back * You have always been such a bright spot on Holy Worlds, darling, I will miss getting to see you spread cheer throughout the forum.

I can understand the confusion, Joe. It's been very confusing to those of us who are believed to "know everything", too. However, the Lord does not hide His will from us, if we seek His face. So I am confident that He will lead us all appropriately if we are following him, and not a man.

I will miss your wonderful HW art, Joe! And your wonderful theology posts.

*hugs Za also * We will still see one another on Skype and Google+ I trust, dear one. Thank you for always being such a wonderful edition to the forum!

*tightly hugs Kaitlyn, his eyes wet and nose making funny sounds* I thought I would have been past this point after our conversation, but I guess not.

Your forum presence will be dearly, dearly missed, Kaitlyn, as you know; but I'm glad that our friendship will continue, stronger than ever.

Love you, my friend.

I... am not entirely sure how to react or what to say to this, and I don't think I'll even try, because I'm uncertain if I can without starting to cry. Goodbyes, especially of this sort, always make me feel like my heart is going to shatter. So I won't say anything for fear of breaking down. *smiles a little* But I will say this:

*hugs tight* I'll miss your presence here on the forums. You've been a bright light and blessing to everyone here, and you'll be well-missed. I wish all the best for you, and pray that you will continue to live a life for God.

Thank you for everything you've done. Thank you for making me feel welcome and being the first person to get me to talk on the first Skype call I ever joined in. Thank you for being so encouraging and understanding. Thank you for being willing to help me with problems.

Just... basically... thank you for being you.

Love you, Kaitlyn. God bless and keep you always.

Bye, Airi! *hugs* God bless you and thank you for everything you've done for us.

God bless you, dearest Kaitlyn. This breaks my heart, but you're doing the right thing. I wish I could have helped you set things right.

@ Mark: *offers Mark a tissue and hugs him back * I understand exactly what you mean, Mark. Even knowing it is coming doesn’t make it any easier. To be honest, though, I am so grateful for Holy Worlds because of the amazing people I have been able to meet through it and who I will carry on friendships with far and beyond Holy Worlds.

@Renna: Oh my dear Renna, you have been such a blessing to me, probably in ways you are unaware. Goodbyes make my heart feel the same, so I can commiserate with you. You are so welcome for making you feel welcome *thinks that sounds strange *. One of my favorite things to do was welcome newcomers. Newbies always bring so much new life and fun, and you were no exception. I am so glad to have met you and I pray that we will continue to meet up in Skype and so forth!

@Leandra: Thank you, my friend. God bless you also.

@Gracie: My dear Grace, it breaks my heart also, as you know, and I am sorry that you have had to endure the pains you have. I have faith that smiles are on the horizon, and that light will come out of the dark times. *hugs *

*gratefully takes and uses tissue*
Amen. No matter what were to happen, I would always be grateful for that and a few other ways that HW has dramatically impacted my life.

*hugs Airi tightly*

This makes me so sad.... Thank you for not leaving quietly, thank you for being careful to tell us why you have to leave...for being honest, and open, and so very...caring, in this. It breaks me to think of the things that have gone on, and the ways you yourself been treated. It...is beyond me how anyone would...do anything of that sort to you.

I want you to know that my first memories of HW have you firmly stamped in them--you were one of the members I singled out right at first as being...*thinks* Being someone I wanted to get to know better, and be around. Someone who is real, cares, and isn't afraid to act like it. You...in a big way, were one of those members who stuck out to me as people who kept the spirit of HW flowing.

That spirit that I haven't seen here in awhile. Your post here, though...has that spirit all through it. Love, care, trust, [Joy]self-giving, ...*sigh* And pain in it. It was refreshing to get a taste of that spirit again, perhaps for the last time in this place--God only knows. It was refreshing to see honesty--truth, but love in it, through it, behind it, and in front of it. That...that is what I saw before I joined HW, and that is what made me love HW, and want to know you, before I even signed up.

It tears me up to see these things happening, and to know those other things happened in the past... But your grace and your caring spirit won't die, and this post shows that very well. I'm so grateful to you for so many things I can't even name right now, or think of... I will likely think of them later, and be telling you then--right now it's proving a wordy enough task just to thank you for this moment of you being you in a very difficult time.
You made HW a place I wanted to be. Thank you for that. So much growth and so many new friends, closer friends than I have ever had before, would never have happened if I hadn't joined.

*heart hurts* I love you, Airi, you're such a good friend. I am glad I don't have to say I will miss you--but I will miss your presence here as long as I'm here.

*hugs tightly*

Bye, Airianna. I've always wanted to meet you but I never saw you in chat. Even though we never met, I'm gonna miss ya. *can't really think of anything more to say*

Airi!

From my first day on holy Worlds until I became inactive, you were undeniably the most mature, inspiring, and uplifting person here.

I won't say goodbye, because like you, I've come to realize we as the body of Christ transcend these four walls.

May God bless you in your continued pursuits.

Stay in touch,

Eli

*Sigh*

Thank you for giving us such a clear and well-reasoned explanation for your departure, Airi. We're all going to miss you muchly.

I should mention: While I have said in the past that I think leaving is 'giving up' in some sense, I wish to clarify that I have never considered it a mark of cowardice, nor have I wanted to insinuate that it somehow lessens the person who chooses to leave; especially in a case such as yours, where much thought and prayer has gone into the decision. I simply meant to say I disagreed with the attitude a certain person was expressing concerning leaving.

From what I know of you and your work here on the forums, I have nothing but the highest respect for you (and, indeed, most of the former Council members).

I wish you all the best. May God bless you richly as you move on.

Farewell, Airianna. You will be missed. But, as much as I can, I understand and respect your decision. May your writing continue to grow and be enhanced!

My first day
You said hello
Welcomed me
With open arms

I was shy then
Asked odd questions
Of darkness and demons
You smiled, confused

We traveled far
Together and apart
But always talking
Somewhere in there

Joy and sorrows
Passed betwixt
Laughter, dragons
And wrist hugs

I am knighted now
My very own sword
Land of my own
I have grown up

Is it wrong
Wrong I am not sad
Sad to see you going
Gone from our special place

But your noble heart is bared
A jewel of greatest worth
And tears of brightest diamond
Reflecting in the light

In them I see our time
We smiled and we cried
But there was sorrow
Yet I cannot find sadness

These tears do not reflect the past
They shine a light in Heaven
This is what our time is
Forever

(Consciously resisting the urge to wax melodramatic here.)

With another of the "essential HWers" leaving---those without whom I might well have either not joined in the first place, or just let my account lapse after a few months---it certainly feels like the community is emptying.

But I can't say I'm surprised to see this thread, at least not after reading the recent posts in the Official Chatter forum. (Like others, I feel rather confused and "out of the loop" at all the tensions, disagreements, and such that are flaring up, but I'm dense and obtuse enough that I'm used to such feelings. )

Still, though, you will be much missed here. Speaking only for myself, you were one of the first to welcome me here, and one of the strongest in making me feel like more than "another newcomer." And you lent a weight of maturity, virtue, professionalism, and honor to the forum that helped to keep me coming back here, and contributing, until it became a habit. I'm sorry to see you go.

And I've been quickly making sure I know where you may be found elsewhere (Google+, for all that I hardly use it myself, and your blog, and getting your email into my contacts list). While a shy person like me tends not to send messages or initiate chats out of the blue (especially to or with someone I know to be tremendously busy), I hope you'll keep at least somewhat in touch.

(And I still hope that one of these days you'll find you have the time to try my strategy game. )

May God bless you in future endeavors. Wherever he calls you, may you be as much, or more, a credit to his kingdom as you have been here.

Airianna, Kaitlyn dear, I have always looked up to you, from the moment I set foot in Holy Worlds. It was you who first welcomed me when I was an awkward newbie, encouraging me to chat and get comfortable. I have loved you from the moment I read that first message that ever touched my inbox. Your honesty, maturity, and leadership always impressed me. And while it is true that I have not gotten to know you nearly as well as others, nor half so much as I would have liked, I highly respect you, and I know that every word you say, you mean.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Kaitlyn. Thank you for so faithfully serving these long years. Thank you for being there for us. We will all miss you terribly here. *Hugs tightly*

Goodbye, Kaitlyn. Thank you for all that you have invested in HW and invested in each and every one of us.

God Bless you.

HW as an organization honestly doesn't deserve you, Kaitlyn, however its people will miss you desperately. Though I know how it pains you to leave, I have to say that I am glad for your sake that you will finally be free of all the pain and confusion you have been through for so long. Be at peace in your leaving, and know that your true friends are always here for you, and we will love you, always. xx

@Shawn: I am so grateful for your love, Lizzie Love! *hugs back *

@ Running Wolf: Oh Jeremiah! *tears up and tries not to cry but ends up failing miserably *

My dear friend, your words have blessed me more than you will ever know, even if I tried to explain how I feel. I am so glad that you were blessed I did not leave silently, and even more so for the incredibly kind words you have spoken to me.

It brought me so much joy to welcome the new members. It was one of the first things I implemented upon becoming an ML. I wanted to make sure new members knew how valuable they were and how much we wanted them to be there. I simply cannot tell you how pleased I am that I met you on one such occasion, Jeremiah. I love our Skype calls, and I couldn’t imagine not having added you into my circle of friends!

I… I am so glad that my post reminded you of the spirit of Holy Worlds. So much time and prayer has gone into it, so much hope and desire that you all would be able to see my heart—It is just such a blessing to know that my words were a blessing, despite being hard.

I too am glad that we will not have to say goodbye, but it breaks my heart that my presence on the forum will no longer be a blessing to you.

@Blackhawk: My good sir, I too am sorry we have not had the personal pleasure of meeting, but I have always been pleased to see you about the forum, and have enjoyed your chat conversations, though I was not a part of them, for when I would read through the chat log your name was often present. Perhaps we can meet outside of Holy Worlds, if you frequent any of the avenues of social media that I do.

@Eli: My good friend, you and I have had some fun times creating friendly havoc in the theology rooms and most especially in tricky subjects! I remember those conversations with fondness, and your LotR themed nicknames. I am so glad that you realize the body of Christ transcends these walls, and that we will continue to e-mail and poke one another in Google+. It brightens my heart to know things will not end here.

Okay. *PMs you his G+ name*

@Jakorosin: Dear sir, I thank you for your clarifications and must tell you that I agree with you. Often people do leave for the wrong reasons, and they are giving up. I pray that everyone realized I am not giving up. I hold out hope still for Holy Worlds, though I have grave concerns for its future, and I still hold out hope that Jay will return to the man I once admired and respected so much. I too would disagree with an attitude of leaving that was done in haste and for selfish motivations, so I believe we are in agreement in our positions.

Thank you so much for sharing your feeling of respect not only for myself, but for the former council members as well. While we should not seek the praise of men, it warms my heart to know that there were those who were grateful for our presence. They were once such an amazing group of leaders that together somehow managed to work, even when we disagreed with one another.

I pray that our interactions will not end here, and that I will be blessed to have further communications with you elsewhere.

@Aratrea : I know that “understanding” is really very difficult, and I thank you for your willingness to try to understand as best you are able. I struggle to understand and make sense of it all myself, to be honest. May you be blessed, and may you grow in your writing as well. I am so excited to grow in mine and see where the Lord takes me with my recent publishing endeavors.

@Brendan: *smiles softly * What to say, Brendan? You and I have had our ups and our downs, our highs and our lows, our good times and our rougher spells, and yet we manage to keep our friendship alive and push on no matter the obstacles, disagreements, and unsteady waters. Thank you for serving alongside me as a Council Member, and for being a part of Holy Worlds way back when, and now. Take care of all of these precious individuals that I love, and remember to live out grace in your actions and words. We will continue to grow and cross rough waters outside of this forum, I am positive.

@Lady Kitra Skene: Oh Jazz!!! Your poem, it is so beautiful!!! I must save it in a document to keep always and read whenever I think of you!!! Thank you for all the time and effort you have put into my beloved forum. Thank you for your friendship outside the forum and for my beautiful baby dragons! I shall take good care of them and continue to give you updates on them as we continue our friendship outside of HW. Plus, I have some amazing little yellow things to get form you in a couple of months!!!!

*rereads poem and just feels so loved all over again! * And by the way, I LOVED your questions early on!!! It was so much fun and I enjoyed the conversations. You took me up on my offer to “just talk” and I was overjoyed that you did!

*hugs you and is so grateful for you and the time we have had together thus far *

@:Kingjon: *smiles * I cannot tell you how incredibly blessed I was to hear that I was part of the reason why you chose to become an active member of this forum, Kingjon. I’m just… I am just so… blessed. There really is no better word to use.

I want you to know that you are one of my favorite Holy Worlds posters. You have deep, insightful posts, challenging opinions and questions, and you always seek to better the conversations you partake in. Plus, you post comments on the blog frequently!!!! Oh how I loved knowing you were invested in reading the blog! Often when I would feel overwhelmed with blog work, I would think of the fact that you were reading. If no one else was, you were devotedly reading!

I am so blessed to know – yes, once more blessed—that my character is so highly esteemed. Knowing that I often stumble and make mistakes, it is a blessing to know that others see Christ-like attributes in my words and actions. I am blessed that you could see my Maker in the things I did and said.

I’m so thrilled that you plan on keeping in contact! I will look forward to our future correspondence and I will make sure I poke you from time to time since I’m not shy.

May God richly bless you my friend.

P.s. I hope to try my hand at your game someday, too! It is always at the back of my mind. Sometime I will just have to take a go at it, despite life’s craziness!

Mama Duck is leaving? *Hugs tight and gives a trunkful of fuzzy kittens* I'll miss you. I'll be perpetually surprised when you PMed me one day asking if I was HRM. *Doesn't wanna let go of the hug*

Bye-bye, Mama!

@Calista: My sweet, sweet girl, you have been such a blessing to me. I love our phone calls (by the way, did you call me the other day? If so, we must try and have that phone call!) and I love your sweet spirit. You are such a joy and blessing to people. The forum is lucky to have such a loving member.

Once again, I am so blessed to know that my pms to you guys mattered so much. There were some who were skeptical at first when I made the proposal to dedicate myself to welcoming as many new members as possible. I’m so glad that it did make such a difference to you all. I enjoyed those times of first acquaintance. They were cherished moments when I had you guys all to myself before having to share you with the forum members at large.

@Roager: I am so grateful for this forum, Roager, because it has been the vehicle that allowed me to meet so many of my closest friends, and you happen to be one of the people I am so grateful to have met through Holy Worlds. I know this will not be the end to our friendship. I pray the Lord blesses you in what is to come.

@ Bushmaid: Oh Aussie, you have been one of the relationships that bloomed into a beautiful flower over the years. I can’t express to you how much I love you and how much you and the other forum members mean to me, though I have tried. You guys are so worth investing in, and I will continue to invest in you as a friend outside these walls. Oh what wonderful times we have seen, and oh what sweet times of friendship, support, and love we have shared!

*hugs you close * Thank you for so zealously standing up for me during the hard times, and for somehow always seeing beauty in me. I can never listen to the song Angel by my Side without thinking of my beloved Aussie from the Bush.

@Aris: Yes, the Mama Duck is leaving, but you will always be one of my ducklings, Aris. I still wear my Mama Duck shirt (compliments of our incredible R. S. Sharkey). You are one of the greats, my dear, and I pray the spirit of the HRM lives out in every one of my ducklings.

*eyes fill with tears and whispers* I wasn't sure if you remembered that song... but I always think of you when I hear it, too. *hugs closely* I so cherish you, darling.

Oh I do. How could I forget! You sent it so long ago at a time that I dearly needed it. *hugs * I so cherish you too, darling!

Aw, thank you. But I don't do much. You, on the other hand, are definitely one of the greats. I couldn't be happier with Mama Duck. *Gives yellow fuzzy kitten to match Airi's ring*

Ooh, you have a Mama Duck shirt? That's awesome.

I... I don't actually know why this makes me want to say so much, but it does. And I think that's a good thing. But I can't, because it's too jumbled. So I guess... Goodbye. I think I may have disagreed with you half the time when we ever talked about things, but it's not like that's what matters. I do wonder, looking at all you've said, if perhaps some of your reasons I would disagree with, but even with that long of a post, I don't know nearly enough to say whether or not the decision is the right one. I want to say I hope it was, but at the same time, the reasons are the sorts of things I'd rather you were wrong about. But I wish you well as you go along whatever paths you take next, and wonder if, perhaps, there might be a time you can return.

But anyway. Farewell.

I have to admit that, like all the blogs I read, I'm way behind on the HW blog, and have been for most of the time. But I do read everything eventually.


"I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, sister, have refreshed the hearts of the saints."


Please do ... I usually have to work up my courage to initiate an email exchange or an IM conversation, where a PM (or a Facebook friend request, though that's not relevant here) "feels" less intrusive and so easier to do.


I hope so, and shall look forward to it.

And after Kitra's poem, with apologies to Milne:
Lady Airianna is going.
At least I think she is.
Where?
Nobody knows.
But she is going—
I mean she goes
(To rhyme with “knows”)
Do we care?
(To rhyme with “where”)
We do
Very much.
(I haven’t got a rhyme for that
“is” in the second line yet.
Bother.)
(Now I haven’t got a rhyme for
bother. Bother.)
Those two bothers will have to
rhyme with each other Buther.
The fact is this is more difficult
than I thought,
I ought—
(Very good indeed)
I ought
To begin again,
But it is easier
To stop.
Lady Airianna, good-bye,
I
(Good)
I
And all your friends
Sends—
I mean all your friend
Send—
(Very awkward this, it keeps
going wrong)
Well, anyhow, we send
Our love.

This forum is losing two of its greatest, most respectable members.

Please keep in touch, Airi. I know we haven't talked a lot but I really enjoyed meeting you, and I appreciated you telling me your personal story as well. I still have your phone number in my phone, as long as you haven't changed it. If you don't have mine I can email it to you, or text you, and you're welcome to text or call me anytime.

I hope you find many more respectable things to do, and people to lift up as you do so well. Thank you for what you have done here.

I've said goodbye to Airianna already, so I won't say it again.... * half smile *

I don't want to bring even more contention to the forum.... I would rather not say anything. But you all want more truth, so I believe I need to say something. I will say one thing.

There is more than one side to this.

Just to show how this can be, can I explain something about Jay saying that the Council was his worst idea? That does not contradict with what he believes about them being wonderful.... You know why? Because the people that did well were people – not a rank. They are good leaders. Jay said that the rank was a bad idea, and maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. But the people in that rank, and the MLs as well, are not defined by the importance of their rank but by their actions and their ability to lead and serve. And Jay said he respected and needed that ability. Whether or not he disliked the idea of the rank....

And a second thing, and a last thing, is that he did not lie to the HW member he was talking with.... I have seen that email myself, and it wasn't until I read this post that I realized how unclear it was. When I read it, I made the exact opposite assumption about what he was saying as what Airianna and the other member did, and I didn't notice how it could be taken differently until Airianna spoke of it. The other member had declined the adminship in his previous email, as well as discussing many many other issues which he asked Jay to seriously consider, and Jay replied to say that he was considering seriously and carefully, and that the plans had not all been decided yet. This wouldn't include the offer of adminship to the other member, since the member had already declined it. He then asked the other member what he would do if the member were admin. He wanted his thoughts, since the member had expressed disagreement with several of the plans Jay had mentioned in a previous email. I see now that this email was quite unclear – he should have acknowledged the declined offer directly. Jay is very good at saying things unclearly (especially when he has next to no time to type emails at all).

I am not going through everything Airianna said...I don't want to, and I don't think it would do good...and some of the things, I have nothing to say about. I know a lot about what has been happening. But not much.

Why I said what I said was because I hoped that you all will realize how much of a difference understanding more can make....even to something that, at first, looks really really bad. I don't know what to think about what has happened, and right now, I don't think very much. Because everything bad that people see Jay doing...and Airianna doing...and Brendan...and Katie...all of that can seem like – there can't be another side to it, whichever side it is that you see. But there can be...and there might be.... And y'all don't know everything, anymore than I or Airi or Jay do.

I do agree with several things Airianna said wholeheartedly, though. One thing is that there are problems. I think some of them are big and nasty. And another thing...I also believe that Jay needs and has needed to take responsibility for what he has done and what has happened.

Oh, Airi.

I'm going to miss you. I haven't been on HW actively in a couple of months, due to life, and coming back to this is saddening. And while I still don't really know what's going on, I understand why you're leaving. It's heartbreaking to think that people have treated you that way.

I'll miss you. HW is losing a great member. I always held such high respect for you, and still do. And always will. I remember the first PM I got was from you. You made me feel welcome when I was just a shy little newbie. ^.^ And I wish I could have gotten to know you better. And I still hope to. Your posts were one of the things I'd look forward to when on HW. I'd get a little exited when I'd see your avatar.

I'm going to miss that. We're all going to miss that. *hugs*

God bless you, Airi.

I just want to add, Juliet, that I've seen all the emails in question, and that the member had not turned down adminship. Adminship was never offered him. He had turned down captaincy under the current setup. I could say more, but I should let this member speak for himself if he chooses. I just wanted to clear this up. We have not made any hasty judgments, dearest. *hugs*

@: *hugs the fuzzy kitten * I do have a shirt. I will have to post it on Google+ again, since you must not have seen it.

@Arien: Goodbye, sir. Despite disagreements in the past (which I was unaware of… was it in theology?), and current disagreements that you may have, I trust that the Lord will bless us both as we follow His separate wills for our lives. I hope you will continue to be blessed by Holy Worlds.

@Kingjon: *smiles at the blushes * I really like that smiley. I’m not sure if anyone knows that, but I think it is so cute.


This is beautiful, kingjon, and I am so blessed that you posted it. My prayer for you will be the same, my friend, and I will certainly be messaging you.

And I loved your poem! It was so fun, and I love fun! Thank you so much for writing it for me.

@: Batman: I have always been blessed by our interactions, Luke, and you are one of the members that I think can do the most good for Holy Worlds. While you may feel I am one of the greats, I feel like you are. There was a reason why I told Jay I wanted you to be my first Podcast interview. Keep giving your ideas, Luke. Keep pushing for reform. Keep making people aware of the “darker side” of life. And keep writing. Your writing ministers to people like my troubled teens. They can relate. Don’t ever lose that ability. It is so badly needed.

We will certainly keep in touch! I would hate to lose out on such a great friend! I still have your phone number, if it hasn’t changed, and I still have your e-mail, if it hasn’t changed. I will be utilizing them, for sure!

@Juliet: Oh my dear Juliet. I did not say this in my pm with you, but I want to say it now. It was so hard to post this post because I was thinking about how hard this would be for you, more so than for anyone else.

Please know, Juliet, that I was very, very close to your brother. That I am still praying for him. That I do not hate him. And that I will not forget all of the good times Jay and I had, despite the current issues we face now.

You are right; there are two sides to every story. I have been praying about mine for months, and been very confused for months. I have not been happy with Jay’s overview of the Council for a little while now, and I have been very unhappy with several of the things he has said about us as a rank, and as individuals working together. I do not think that means he hates us. I believe that he liked the people as individuals, but not as a whole, based off of what he has said. And if you speak ill of the group as a whole, you therefore speak ill of the people in general. Because the rank is not the problem. IT is the people. Just as I feel Jay should take responsibility, so do I think we should. If the rank was the issue then we, the Council, were the ones who should be held responsible, and ultimately Jay, as our head, should take responsibility for that.

As for the Admin position… I do not feel it is my place to speak on behalf of this person, but I do want you to know that I had several people in my life counseling with me on this. Three of them were Holy Worlders, the rest were uninvolved parties in my personal life. I wanted to make sure that everything I was receiving was being looked at through the eyes of others so that my emotions couldn’t cause me to view things in a way that simply was not true. The admin position to the individual was never offered, therefore never rejected, but more than that I will not say as it is up to the individual to decide if they would like to discuss this with you, or the forum.

There is always another side, Juliet, and I have asked Jay for his many, many times. I did not leave months ago because I was still trying to work things out with Jay, as my councilors could tell you. My decision to leave sprung from the newest developments, and the fact that I feel like communication has broken down and reconciliation seems to no longer be a focus.

I trust that no one will just take my word. They need to find truth for themselves. I think HWers are smart. They are mature. I think they can judge the circumstances being told, and what they know of the different individuals in the situation. I hope I did not seem like my side was the only side. I really don’t want everything to come down to sides, because then it becomes more of a loyalties war, and I would really like to avoid that kind of damage to HW….
*hugs you *

@ Redwing: My dear friend, I have missed being able to talk with you! I know that our lives are both busy and thus we don’t often run into each other like we would like. I’m so glad that my avatar would make you excited! It just goes to show how much our avatars become an extension of us, doesn’t it? We will keep in touch, I am sure. It was so much fun to get to know you over the course of my time on HW.

(It wasn't my poem; it's just Eeyore's farewell poem, "Poem," from The House at Pooh Corner with all the "Christopher Robin"s replaced by "Lady Airianna"s and the "he"s with "she"s. )

I recognized it, kingjon, and it made me smile.

Airi, you are the master of monster posts, aren't you?

I am very sad to see you leave, but I respect your decision. I am very glad that a lot of thought and consideration have gone into your decision making, and I won't try and stop you. To do so, I feel, would be wrong as it would be doubting your capability of making an adult choice. I truly hope that your hurts will heal quickly, and that any friendships strained because of this situation will grow stronger over time, not weaker, because of this.

I have enjoyed getting to know you over my time on the forums. It seems like so long ago I received that first PM in my inbox from you when I joined. I felt so loved and invited because of it. You were so warm and welcoming, I just wanted to give you a hug right off! It was a blast seeing you earlier this year, too. It was wonderful seeing you face to face.

Although I do disagree with you in some areas, I understand in others. I respect your decision and hope great things come from it. I hope that we will still be able to cultivate our relationship further. And I hope there will be a day when you are able to return to the forums.

Until that day... *hugs* I'll see you around.

*tears up too*

*smiles quietly through tears* I'm so very glad that I could bless you in return, dear friend.

Yes, that was a great thing...it made me feel instantly like I was part of the family, and clearly communicated that I wasn't allowed to be shy. Truly.
I...in my experience, when I spot someone I like, admire, and want to get to know, they are unreachably important, busy, and too awesome for me to associate with. You weren't any exception...except ( ) that you didn't seem to care that that was the case--you still took time to interact with me on the forum, and showed interest in me and what I said.
And then it meant the world to me when you were willing to do a one-on-one skype call with me when I wanted someone to talk to--I do better in that sort of setting (non-group), and it was amazing to me that you were willing to set aside time for that. I also love our skype calls, needless to say, and am looking forward to more talks. *is so glad he's not the only one enjoying them*

*smiles*

Yes... But God has a plan for each of us, and new blessings will go between us and come to us from new angles. It excites me, despite the pain.

I don't remember for sure where. But none of them were particularly important. Not all of them may even have been terribly obvious or anything, either. There's just a few things I remember, which seems like a large part of it. *shrugs* I didn't mean to suggest that it was anything that bothered me or anything, I just, well, thought it... ah, I don't know. Don't worry about that part of it.

*Cries quietly* We will miss you, dear Kaitlyn.

Lots of love,
-Nessie-