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Ten mixing bowls. This allows you to mix 10 different ingredients separately so that they don't have to touch and get all over each other.

Crumbs between keys can become sustenance for viruses to breed. Replace your keyboard every three hours.

A family of chickens. They make food—eggs!—and turn into food! They're awesome.

Chainsaws: The holy grail of juggling—save for the actual holy grail, which doesn't count because it's easy to juggle one thing. Chainsaw juggling is considered so dangerous that it can only be legally done blindfolded to prevent you from seeing how scared you are.

Stay Objective: Journalists have unbiased, correct opinions that they should infuse into everything they write.

Stay Objective: Journalists have unbiased, correct opinions that they should infuse into everything they write.

Include Pictures: Pictures in newspapers help future generations know what kind of hats people in the past wore when politicians came to town.

Make sure to swap your usual incidental music with much sadder music. This will let the audience know that they should cry instead of laugh and eat one piece of popcorn at a time respectfully, instead of shoveling it in via carefree handfuls.

• Liquids in tubes, bottles, or sealed jars are unacceptable because they can't be properly smelled or spread onto bread for identification purposes. Pour your liquids into plastic grocery bags so that agents can at least run their hands through them.

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 6th, 2011, 7:44 am ]
Post subject:	Groupon's guide to...
Groupon has this thing of posting really funny "guides" to different things. So, I am now reposting them here for your enjoyment! Please do not take ANY of this seriously. The Groupon Guide to: Safeguarding Your Computer It's a world wild web out there, full of viruses, trojan horses, and cyber mummies. Consult this guide to keeping your computer squeaky clean: A thumbprint on your monitor might be on the inside of the screen—use a screwdriver to get it out. There are only three safe websites: robinwilliams.net, robinwilliams.org, and will.i.am. Keep your computer "clean" by removing all the swears from your Excel documents and deleting any pictures of people kissing. Look out for Trons! Draw a picture of a scarecrow in MS Paint and set it as your background. It won't stop viruses, but it will kill filthy birds near your computer. Crumbs between keys can become sustenance for viruses to breed. Replace your keyboard every three hours. Cell phones are tiny computers that will fit in your dishwasher. You're welcome. The Groupon Guide to: Kitchen Basics Whether you're a master chef or you thought that kitchens were just an old wives' tale and are only learning that they're real right now by reading this, you need a few basic cooking utensils to help you turn worthless, disparate ingredients into useable food. Every kitchen must have: One saucepan. This is a pan that you can melt down into a sauce. Ten mixing bowls. This allows you to mix 10 different ingredients separately so that they don't have to touch and get all over each other. Between six and seven stoves. If a "recipe" (that's just a snobby word for "food instructions") calls for a dish to be cooked at 300 degrees for 30 minutes, it's actually much faster to cook it for 10 minutes at a time in three different ovens set to 100 degrees. One refrigerator full of sharp knives. One whisk so that guests will see it and think you must really be good at cooking. One cutting board, which is a wooden block filed down to a serrated edge. You use it to chop vegetables, but you'll also want to have some sort of mat or hard, flat surface to cut them on. A family of chickens. They make food—eggs!—and turn into food! They're awesome. Nine 1-gallon jugs of olive oil. This delicious flavoring is used in practically every food instruction to make the food taste like olives.

Author:	Bethany Faith [ November 6th, 2011, 7:54 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
* laughs * A saucespan is a pan that you can turn into sauce?

Author:	Elly [ November 6th, 2011, 9:25 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
The "Keep your computer clean by deleting all swear words and pictures of people kissing" is funny. "World wild web?" "Replace your keyboard every three hours." That's a good tip for NaNoers.

Author:	Danko Sandai [ November 6th, 2011, 9:28 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Laughs really hard!! Captain Nemo wrote: Ten mixing bowls. This allows you to mix 10 different ingredients separately so that they don't have to touch and get all over each other. That was my favorite part!!!!!

Author:	Lady Elanor [ November 6th, 2011, 10:28 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Is also laughing and that's the one I liked too, Danko!

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Author:	Aleena Mimetes [ November 6th, 2011, 5:20 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
chuckles I likes it... Do you have any more? catches herself before she signs her Sci-Fi name Aleena

Author:	Suiauthon Mimetes [ November 7th, 2011, 2:18 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Hilarious. My favorites were: Captain Nemo wrote: Crumbs between keys can become sustenance for viruses to breed. Replace your keyboard every three hours. and Captain Nemo wrote: A family of chickens. They make food—eggs!—and turn into food! They're awesome.

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 7th, 2011, 7:33 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
I didn't like this one as much because I just didn't like the mental image of bees living in me, but it's still funny. The Groupon Guide to: Aches and Pains Though ancient doctors relied on fruitless treatments such as trepanning or leeching, modern medical experts know that those methods are only effective when done in tandem. Here's a look at some of the most common maladies that doctors treat every day: Headache What Causes It: Mild headaches can be caused by stress or angry noises, but debilitating migraine headaches are caused by bees that flew into your ears as a child and are now trying to buzz their way out. The Cure: If aspirin doesn't work, try coating your ears in honey to coax the bees out. Indigestion What Causes It: Discomfort after eating may be caused by an adverse reaction to certain food enzymes, but more likely, you just accidentally ate a bunch of bees and didn't notice. The Cure: Take the recommended dosage of an over-the-counter bee poison such as Pepto-Bismol. Acne, a.k.a. "Bees in the Blood" What Causes It: Too many bees in your bloodstream. The Cure: Wash your face daily with an oil-free cleanser—if you want to do nothing about your acne. The only real cure is to swallow a live predator of bees such as a badger or skunk. Toothache What Causes It: Those "teeth" that hurt so much are actually enamel-covered bee eggs that other bees implanted in your mouth while you were distracted by a third group of bees working in tandem with the earlier bees to turn your body into a human honeycomb. The Cure: There is none. You're more bee than human now. Sorry.

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 8th, 2011, 6:54 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Here's another one. The Groupon Guide to: Juggling Acts Juggling is widely considered a dying art because of competition from modern, high-tech forms of entertainment such as making avatars of one's self for the purposes of virtual farming and staring at incandescent light bulbs. Recapture your audience with the following juggling and juggling-related skills: Juggling Pins: When upgrading one's repertoire, the logical next step beyond juggling bowling balls is to juggle their mortal enemy—pins. Thanks to their carefully balanced weight and seductively tapered easy-to-grip necks, bowling pins can be juggled perfectly by beginners, even on the first try. Therefore there's no reason not to practice while standing on the hood of your dad's car. Plate Spinning: The ancient art of precariously balancing a spinning plate atop a wobbly rod. Kids today will once again see the appeal of this daring stunt if you rebrand it as Extreme Anti-G Disc Balancing and have them text to vote which plate should be whipped into a pyramid of body spray. Chainsaws: The holy grail of juggling—save for the actual holy grail, which doesn't count because it's easy to juggle one thing. Chainsaw juggling is considered so dangerous that it can only be legally done blindfolded to prevent you from seeing how scared you are.

Author:	Suiauthon Mimetes [ November 8th, 2011, 6:19 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
I love this thread.

Author:	Lady Elanor [ November 9th, 2011, 7:00 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Hahaha! This one made me laugh so much Quote: Chainsaws: The holy grail of juggling—save for the actual holy grail, which doesn't count because it's easy to juggle one thing. Chainsaw juggling is considered so dangerous that it can only be legally done blindfolded to prevent you from seeing how scared you are.

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 9th, 2011, 8:45 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
This one is hilarious! The Groupon Guide to: Street Art Although all art is frowned upon by society, only street art wears the double-frown crown of also being illegal. Protect yourself from the rule of law by never, ever creating any of these commonly seen works of street art: A little girl holding a flower, except the flower is an army gun and the little girl is mostly a cattle skull A name rendered beautifully in giant squishy, stylized letters that make it as impossible to miss as it is to read A familiar object we take for granted left outdoors, such as a confrontational expired parking meter or a dog tied to a coffee store A peace sign, subversively commenting on your roommate's unfair method of slicing pizzas. Picture of the Muppet Babies with the word "Submit" written underneath A marine-life mural painted by the irredeemable vandals of Mrs. Holmer's third-grade class at P.S. 109

Author:	Suiauthon Mimetes [ November 9th, 2011, 11:53 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
I love the peace symbol part.

Author:	Airianna Valenshia [ November 10th, 2011, 11:16 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
laughs heartily over both Wow..... as a cook, I found the second one funny. As a person very attached to her laptop, I laughed at the first one.

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 6th, 2011, 4:45 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Art-lovers, this is meant as a joke. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! Enjoy. The Groupon Guide to: Art Interpretation There is a lot of art out there, but what are we really looking at when we look at it? Impress your friends with your advanced art knowledge using today’s guide to art interpretation: Vincent van Gogh’s The Starry Night What You Need to Know: The towering tree in the foreground is clearly the main character of the painting. The stars represent suns. The painting's surreal style is an indication that van Gogh was not a very good painter. Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa What You Need to Know: The curly path symbolizes the hectic nature of day-to-day life, as every day is a winding road. There are no spacemen in this picture because none existed yet. It is said that the haunting image of a smiling woman will appear in this painting when the earth is in extreme peril. Pablo Picasso’s Guernica What You Need to Know: Totally disgusting.

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 18th, 2011, 7:38 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
I found this one funny. The Groupon Guide to: Keeping a Secret An old saying goes, "Three men can keep a secret, if they are best friends, and one of them is a cardboard dog." If you've been entrusted with a secret, consult this sure-fire guide to keeping it to yourself: Think about the feelings of others. Especially their anger. You’ll likely avoid sharing their secret by considering your own predominant feeling: fear of their anger. Seal your lips. Ideally with honey or room-temperature wax. Find a healthy outlet. Some secrets are so juicy you just want to shout them from the rooftops. Instead, whisper your secret into a shallow vole's nest or speak it aloud at what would normally be an audible volume, were it not drowned out by a nearby car-crashing contest. Share a secret of your own. Most modern friendships are based on a delicate balance of mutually assured destruction, hence the expression BFF, or Betrayer? Fairly foreseeable.

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ February 6th, 2012, 1:47 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
I have a couple. Sorry, I forgot to keep up with this thread. The Groupon Guide to: Airport Security The airport's TSA (Toned Squad of Angels) agents act as gatekeepers to the skies. Here's what you'll need to know to pass through TSA territory: • You will be asked to take off your shoes upon approaching the security checkpoint. Shuffling through security with only a thin layer of sock between you and the floor reminds you that you're still an earthbound human even though you're about to soar through the sky like a big ol' bird. • Liquids in tubes, bottles, or sealed jars are unacceptable because they can't be properly smelled or spread onto bread for identification purposes. Pour your liquids into plastic grocery bags so that agents can at least run their hands through them. • Place your laptop computer in its own bin before passing through security. Computers must be examined separately so that agents can edit your screenplay in private. (haha. Writers: Remember to print out your screenplays so that the TSAs won't get 'em. ) The Groupon Guide to: As Seen on TV Inventions Any inventor can create a life-changing product that would transform the very nature of reality on this planet—if people only knew about it. The best inventions are, by definition, the ones important enough to appear on the most important invention of all: television. Here are just a few new-and-improved examples: • Easy-to-carry bucket to store and protect cell phone • The Tender Touch® egg hammer • The Boo-gie: a microfleece ghost costume with convenient eye holes for lounging around the house on a chilly Halloween • PawPals Pet Hooks • A public-domain jukebox—for your car? • Bay-B-Crate™ • The Am-I-Dreaming? skin-pinching claw • The Vegetable Stopper! • Phone number that rids you of unwanted money • The None-of-Your-Fizzness© soda flattener Edit: Here's another one! Warning: This one is about parts of Animal Farm and is actually pretty accurate for the most part. So if you don't want the story spoiled at all if you haven't read it, don't click on the spoiler bar. The Groupon Guide to Everyman’s Classics: Animal Farm Everyman should enjoy classic literature, which is why the Groupon Guide invented the Everyman's Classics study-guide series. This installment covers: Animal Farm: Chapter V Summary: All right, so at this point the animals have been running Animal Farm for a while. This one horse, Mollie, gets treats and pets and ribbons from a neighbor farmer who is a man (not an animal), so she leaves to work on his farm instead of Animal Farm. Meanwhile, the rest of the hilarious talking animals are arguing about whether they should build a windmill like Snowball the pig says or to not do that like Napoleon the pig says (note: Napoleon is also the name of an important man from France). So they argue and stuff and the animals seem like they want the windmill. But then Napoleon calls in all these dogs he’s been secretly raising and they come in and are big and scary and the animals are scared even though I’m pretty sure a horse could beat a dog in fights. The dogs chase away Snowball and Napoleon is like, “Basically, I’m in charge now and communism is flawed.” The pigs explain to the animals that it is good that Napoleon is in charge and not bad and also Snowball was a bad pig. The horse named Boxer who always says “I will work harder” also starts saying “Napoleon is always right.” The animals continue to work because that is how they get food and the dogs are scary (even though, seriously, horses are strong [also donkeys can kick pretty hard]). Analysis: Having recently discovered that there is no symbolism in this book, scholars agree that this chapter is particularly unsymbolic. It is well documented that walking, talking animals fall under the category of “the priceless” and “the adorable.” Scholars also agree that they are more excited for the later chapters when the pigs wear top hats and other human clothes. Important Quote: “Nine enormous dogs wearing brass-studded collars came bounding into the barn. The animals cowered in fear and did not have an all-out, no-limits brawl with the dogs even though this would have been awesome and worthy of being put on a video website if such a thing ever exists.”

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Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 13th, 2011, 1:23 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Here's another one! It's amusing. The Groupon Guide to: Journalism Journals are boring diaries, just as journalism is boring gossip. Here's a handy guide to writing for a newspaper: Cover Important Issues: The only important issues in today's society are the tastiest dog foods and the least flammable acne creams. Write What You Know: Become an expert on the subject you're writing about by immersing yourself in the street gang or group of lil' rascals that you're reporting about. Include Quotations: Quotations add legitimacy to your story. Quotations from Mark Twain or John F. Kennedy are the most true, but statements from Edgar Allan Poe can apply to any situation. Stay Objective: Journalists have unbiased, correct opinions that they should infuse into everything they write. Include Pictures: Pictures in newspapers help future generations know what kind of hats people in the past wore when politicians came to town.

Author:	Suiauthon Mimetes [ November 13th, 2011, 3:33 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Captain Nemo wrote: Stay Objective: Journalists have unbiased, correct opinions that they should infuse into everything they write. Of course.

Author:	Lady Elanor [ November 14th, 2011, 11:19 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Quote: Stay Objective: Journalists have unbiased, correct opinions that they should infuse into everything they write. Include Pictures: Pictures in newspapers help future generations know what kind of hats people in the past wore when politicians came to town. This Is Funny!

Author:	Captain Nemo Marlene [ November 14th, 2011, 3:21 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
The Groupon Guide to: Very Special Episodes Though critics agree that all television is special, once every few years a popular television program will use its reach to educate an audience on a serious issue. Here's a guide to crafting your own very special episode: • Choose a serious issue to be discussed. If you're not sure if your issue is serious enough, try bringing it up at Thanksgiving. If your chosen topic is suitable, it will ruin everything. • Make sure to swap your usual incidental music with much sadder music. This will let the audience know that they should cry instead of laugh and eat one piece of popcorn at a time respectfully, instead of shoveling it in via carefree handfuls. • If your show features a Screech, he should sit this one out entirely. • At the end of the episode, actors must reveal their own name directly into the camera. This way, viewers know that the issue being discussed is very real, even though Carl Winslow is just a 19-year-old gymnast in a Carl Winslow suit.

Author:	Suiauthon Mimetes [ November 14th, 2011, 10:05 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Captain Nemo wrote: Make sure to swap your usual incidental music with much sadder music. This will let the audience know that they should cry instead of laugh and eat one piece of popcorn at a time respectfully, instead of shoveling it in via carefree handfuls. Nice.

Author:	Lady Elanor [ November 15th, 2011, 3:26 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Loved that one, Nemo!

Author:	Aldara [ November 15th, 2011, 7:54 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
These are great...

Author:	Daniel De Leantoir [ November 17th, 2011, 7:18 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
This is like, my favorite thread!

Author:	Suiauthon Mimetes [ November 19th, 2011, 4:01 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...

Author:	Lady Elanor [ February 5th, 2012, 7:41 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
Have you run out of these to post now, Nemo?

Author:	Ophelia MirZA Mimetes [ February 5th, 2012, 7:59 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
I love this thread! Really hopes Nemo has more.

Author:	Lady Elanor [ February 11th, 2012, 4:40 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Groupon's guide to...
They're all good ones, Nemo. The first one made me chuckle the most. Quote: • Liquids in tubes, bottles, or sealed jars are unacceptable because they can't be properly smelled or spread onto bread for identification purposes. Pour your liquids into plastic grocery bags so that agents can at least run their hands through them.