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Howdy...I'm back, and I hope to stay! Below you can read the intro article I made for myself a while ago on a different forum.
A Brief Synopsis of a Weird Individual
Warning: The individual we are about to summarize, one who is generally called ‘Matthew’, has been known to fortuitously induce life-threatening laughter, and also has a tendency to act weird with no provocation. This includes the telling of bad jokes, construction of massive and convoluted sentences, the usage of esoteric and abstruse words, and sometimes even schizophrenic conversations between himself and…himself. If you feel that you are not mentally stable enough to remain unaffected by such madness, we suggest that you cease reading immediately and consult a psychiatrist.
Since you are still reading, we assume that you must want to know more about this person and believe yourself healthy enough to cope with his eccentricity. You should be warned that he often appears normal, but once he knows you well enough, his nuttiness will be manifest. He also claims he can write his own synopsis, but we know what would happen if we let him. And we can’t have that.
To prove that Matthew is a nut (and a weird one at that), let us point out his preposterous adventure with Porsches. Believing that he is something special, he thought he should have a Porsche for his first car. So, after earning some money, he bought one, a 1987 924S. This Porsche has run very well for the two years he’s had it, and maintenance costs have remained low.
That’s all fine and good, but this crazy guy took his extra money and bought a second Porsche, a 1979 928 that had to be dragged home behind a pickup truck! He did some slapdash tinkering he likes to call ‘repairs’, but we know for a fact that he did nothing more than yank and push on some random doohickeys. By arbitrary luck (or divine interference) the beast started running again. Matthew tried to sell it, but no one wanted it except a few bums who didn’t have the money anyway. In a rare burst of ingenuity (Matthew insists that it’s common, not rare, but we disagree) he traded it for yet another Porsche!
This third car, a late 1985 944, had fewer miles than the 928 and got much better gas mileage, an attractive feature in the day of the four-dollar gallon. It sold after just two weeks, and Matthew made a profit of $1,307.
So what did he do with that money? Save it for college? No, the maniac went out and bought a Honda CRX, supposedly to save on gas during his job with the Census Bureau. It remains to be seen if the Honda will cost him money or make him a profit.
Leaving the subject of cars, we come upon Matthew’s second obsession, which is the music of Frederic Chopin. He claims he has played over sixty of the man’s works, but that count includes everything he started and decided was too hard. We are now under assault by Matthew, as he tries to delete this paragraph.
But the truth is, even though he has played the piano since he was five years old, he is much too impatient and distracted to be exceptionally good. Only a smidge of talent keeps him from being a lousy pianist. There is just one thing that will make him decide to practice correctly and learn the music well, and that is an upcoming recital, usually one that is happening within the next week.
Matthew insists that we are exaggerating and is pleading for this to be revised. But we know the truth, and we aren’t going to stretch it for his sake.
Speaking of stretching, Matthew wants us to declare that he is six feet five inches tall. That is hardly worth mentioning, though, because at the end of the day he’s only about six-four. He says it’s unnatural spinal compression, and we agree. It’s caused by his aversion to perfunctory exercise. No, he says it is caused by his small (that is, ‘normal sized’) mattress, and all the little siblings who like to hang on his body parts. Whatever the reason, he is adamant that his correct height is six foot five, and we’ll give him that much.
We now turn to Matthew’s writing. He seems to think that he has been preordained to succeed Patrick McManus as the next great American humorist. We are sorry to burst his bubble, but he’s really not that funny. Oh, he says he is, but he’s the sort of guy who will laugh at anything.
Even worse, however, is the fact that he hated his English studies until about age fifteen, a year and a half before he graduated high school. This means he has only been writing regularly for a few years. When he turned fifteen, he didn’t even know what paragraphs were. To be fair, Matthew says we should point out the fact that he learns very quickly, hence the early high school graduation. We will point this out briefly in passing, but it doesn’t seem very significant in light of what we’ve already heard.
Matthew says to stop talking about his deranged writing life and move on. So we will bring up the fact that he has eight younger siblings…three brothers and five sisters. He has tried to attribute his weirdness to their influence, but he was around before any of them, and they are the ones who look up to him, not vice-versa. We find it hard to believe that he is so influenced by his little siblings that he would follow their example and pilfer chocolate chips from the freezer. Instead, this immaturity obviously originated from him.
We now move on to avoid the possibility of being strangled by Matthew. We asked if there is anything else he would like us to mention, and he says we need to print retractions and corrections. The poor guy is delusional and deranged. We have printed nothing retractable or correctional.
Last edited by The Wolverminion on July 29th, 2010, 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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) everytime I say my planned career is to be a wife, mother, and author....
Glad to have you here.
I play mostly Chopin. Right now I am working on his 4th ballade...and I can already play the other three. I don't personally know anyone who can play all four well, not even my concert-pianist teacher. But I will soon! 
If you have any tips on composing (if it's possible to supply generic advice), I would love some. 
I guess some people are just more talented in that area! I do have a friend who is an incredible composer, though, and I'm a little jealous! 
