So I just completed my first Fantasy short story and I was wondering if I could have help with developing my characters. I was told by someone on another website that they need to be worked on, but I don't know how to. I was also wondering if it would be okay to post samples of the work in this discussion for better understanding. I will not post the work unless I get permission.

Yes, I think you may. If you want to see what people do to help build up characters, you may look at this, or that.

This is also a resource.

Certainly. You could post the whole of it in the Fireside for a complete critique of the story as well, if you want.

So are there any characters in particular that need work, or is it the characters in general that you want to work on?

I think it's the characters in general.

Here's the first chapter. I took the following from the website that I posted it on. It managed to get into 10th on one of the ratings list and it was only one person that told me the characters needed development.

Chapter 1

The stench of acrid smoke engulfed the air. Sarah trudged through the crowded frenzy of evacuees as she tried to leave the town. Her black robe hid her feminine features, making her appear more like a boy than the lady that she was.

A loud shout came from somewhere to her left, followed by more shouting. Then a roar that could shake the mountains pierced the air, forcing her to cover her ears. With her emerald eyes that gave off a knowing twinkle, she looked into the sky.

What had once been a normal, peaceful day in the village of Treah had become a living nightmare. She had thought that she had finally escaped him. But it would seem that he was far cleverer than she gave him credit for.

The roar sounded again, this time nearer. Sarah knew that Shadowing had found her. He would not stop until he had come to take her prisoner and back to his castle. "Give me the girl, and I will spare your lives!" roared the deep, rumbly voice that shook her bones.

She knew that Shadowing could sense her but she was unsure if he knew her exact location. Wood crackled ahead of her and Sarah realized that the jet black dragon would burn all the wooden homes of the village unless he had her.

A dark shadow swooped over her and a silent whisper escaped her lips. She could feel tears falling as she wished life had treated her differently. If only her father had not forced her to marry Sir Garth, one of the most brutal lords of the kingdom, then she wouldn't have run away and become the dragon's prisoner.

"Out of the way!" exclaimed someone that rudely bumped into her. The force knocked her hood back, exposing her shining golden hair and fair skin.

"I can feel your presence! I know you are here. There is little that you can do to escape me!" exclaimed the dragon. She looked up and saw him circling above the town and billowing fire, but he was not directly above her. It gave her hope that she could escape yet again

Pulling the hood back over her face, Sarah headed for the village boundaries. All around her, the people still screamed in pain and agony as more homes caught fire and the blue sky became lost in a shade of grey. Sarah coughed and choked on the harmful fumes of smoke. It caused her throat to become dry and itchy. She wished for some water. She thought if she could only have a sip, it would give her the strength to last another day.

She managed to stumble forward a few more steps before she staggered and fell to the ground. She could feel blood in her mouth and wondered if this was the end for her. Something sharp and rough grabbed her by the waist. She also realized it was lifting her into the air. A strangled cry came from her lips as darkness consumed her.

-------Flashback--------

"You foolish girl. I keep you here for your safety," began Shadowing, shaking his masssive head. Salty tears streamed down her cheeks, stinging her eyes. "I just want to go home, is that really so hard to ask?"

The dragon sighed and looked at her. For a split second, she detected pitty and perhaps a tinge of regret. But then his deep, intimidating voice resumed.

"There are forces at work in the world that you do not understand. Your father, the king has kept you from learning about the dark magic that has plauged the world since the beginning. He wanted you to believe that creatures like us were extinct. When I learned about the compassion that you have for your people, I knew you were the one," he sighed.

Sarah shivered. "The one for what?" Shadowing turned to her and his eyes were filled with sadness. "I cannot explain to you right now. The time is not yet right. I only ask that you try to have faith in me and love me for who I am."

She shook her head. "How can I love such a beast as you? Dragons have a shady reputation of plundering villages and hoarding gold. I don't think that I will ever be able to love you," she replied angrily.

Shadowing snorted and spun so that his back was to her. She jumped out of the way when his tail came toward her, and narrowly missed being slammed across the room. She watched as Shadowing slowly made his way out of the room.

I do think Sarah could be better. I think one large problem is that she is inconsistent. Her first personal reaction is:

This gives a specific impression about both her and her attitude at that time. The description of her thoughts does not contradict this impression, and strengthens it. However when you give the description of her emotions about the Shadowing later, it does contradict that earlier impression, and my first reaction as that I think I missed a POV shift, and that you are talking about someone else.


I imagine a resilient, almost cocky attitude with the first reaction – the knowing twinkle, and the act of looking up at the sky when she already knows what is there, and that it has come for her – which is backed up by the clear, coherent 'She had thought that she had finally escaped him. But it would seem that he was far cleverer than she gave him credit for.' With the second mention of reaction, she is whispering and crying, resentful and dejected. They aren't compatible, and there is no transition between the two.

Although it is not so bad because of the time break, the flashback shows her with yet another attitude to the Shadowing – crushed, pleading, and angry. And within it there is also some inconsistency. When she shook her head, it did not imply anger – yet when you finish up what she says you describe it with the adverb 'angrily'.

Other than the inconsistency, the emotional reactions are good. But they are not detailed with unique personality. What did she think about the village getting destroyed – was she sorry? bitter? cold? Did she just try not to think about it? What was her reaction to the jostle – was she angry? indignant? annoyed? shrinking? Was she afraid when her hood was knocked back? Did she not care? Was she even trying to hide (I couldn't tell)?

Another thing that makes the characters less than perfect is the dialogue – dialogue is important in defining and spicing up characters, and when it is awkward or bland it depreciates the personality of the people speaking.

You describe her as being emotional, however the actual words here are of a quality that could only be natural if she was being facetious and 'smart', derisive and flippant about Shadowing's request for affection and understanding.

Would you like comments and suggestions about other aspects of the story than characterization as well?