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 Post subject: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 6th, 2010, 3:11 pm 
Grease Monkeys
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So. Since Christmas is coming, we're all in a Christmasy mood, so I think some Christmas writing is in order. What I'll do is, every so often (can't come up with a set time, every week seems too few and ever day too often, so I'll leave it ambiguous for the time being,) I'll pick a Christmas Carol. The challenge is to take that carol and write something. A poem, a drabble, a short story, whatever. Use the carol (the melody, title, lyrics, whatever,) as your prompt and post the result here.

For Example: I wrote this drabble-poem based off of the prompt "Silent Night"

Silent night
A child’s song
Cuts through the stillness.

I lift my head
And listen
In wonder

The tears dry on my face
The wind plays with my hair.
The stars shine cold and merciless.

The voice stops.
I shiver in the silence.
For a moment I forgot,
Who I am and what I’ve done.

Then I remember.
And I weep again.

The wind is gentle,
But it cannot speak the words I need to hear.

The stars are silent witnesses
Stern judges

They condemn me.
There is no mercy for one such as I.

The voice sings again.

Forgiveness.

***
So who's game?

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 6th, 2010, 3:14 pm 
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This is a great idea Vanya! I love that drabble poem! I can't say I'll be any good at doing it as I've never done anything like that before! But I'd love a go!

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All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

J. R. R. Tolkien


My favourite quote: "God will give His kindness for you to use when your own runs out."

Pippin's Waggy Tales

Autumn Leaves


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 6th, 2010, 5:32 pm 
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Game! I happen to love this drabble of yours. I've written a short story based off of the lyrics for "I Wonder as I Wander" - though Melody actually came up with the core story before me. I just converted it to prose.

Great idea! I need some blog posts for the month of December and January, so this would be perfect. :)

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 6th, 2010, 8:29 pm 
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Oooh, yes, I Wonder As I Wander...... I wrote a short manga off it, and a friend of mine is drawing it. **excited**

I'm probably game. :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 6th, 2010, 8:56 pm 
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I'll do it whenever I get a chance! :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 7th, 2010, 3:06 am 
Grease Monkeys
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So what do you think, twice a week? Maybe Tuesdays and Fridays? I write fast, so three days to me is nothing; if I'm not going to write it in three days it's not going to get written at all. But I don't know about ya'll; we could just do it once a week and continue into January. :D

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 7th, 2010, 10:10 am 
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Sure! (I probably could handle once a week a bit better, I think, but I don't have to participate every time...)

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Elen sila lumenn' omentielvo
(A star shines on the hour of our meeting)


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 7th, 2010, 10:12 am 
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Once a week would probably work better for me too.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 7th, 2010, 11:30 am 
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I'm really not much on Christmas music, but I'll try it.


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 7th, 2010, 12:06 pm 
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Well, here's the first prompt.

Aha! Deck the Halls. :D

(It took me a full ten minutes to think of a carol just now... :shock: )

*goes happily off to write*

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 7th, 2010, 12:16 pm 
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I'm happy now XD Relient K has a version of that song, and I do like their Christmas CD. *goes off to write*


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 7th, 2010, 12:38 pm 
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For something short, every three days is a good schedule for me too - if I don't have other things getting in the way. But Melody's right, we can pick and choose when to participate. I will work on this, hopefully, after revising a short script for a producer. :D Thanks, Katie!

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 9th, 2010, 10:40 pm 
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I started working on a short story based on “Deck the Halls,” and it’s turning out longer than I expected. It’s still well within short story range, but it will take me an extra day or two to write. :D I will post it when I’m done.

What did everyone else do?

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 10th, 2010, 11:44 pm 
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Did y'all abandon me? :?

I finished my short story for "Deck the Halls"! This is utterly unedited - and, I regret, improperly formatted for the forum - but if you have a moment, I would greatly value your critique. I'm not sure it has enough arc to be called a "story." But then again, it might serve as just a happy little narrative that makes for fun reading. Any thoughts are appreciated!

Who's picking the next carol?

Quote:
“I have an idea to make this the best Christmas ever!”
Brendon paused between bites of cookie. “Better than last year?”
Lisa nodded, twin braids flapping like crow wings. “My ideas always get better as they go on.”
Eight-year-old Suzy planted her hands on the kitchen table and bounced. “This is the bestest bestest idea ever!”
Little Simon glared up from his coloring. “Suzy’s shaking the table.”
“Suzy, stop shaking the table,” Marie repeated from the living room.
“Does it involve pumpkins?” Brendon asked carefully.
Lisa shook her head. “Nope.”
Suzy sang. “Fa la la la la!”
“Used books?” Jonny tromped down the stairs and waddled into the kitchen, balancing a stack of lumpy wrapped presents.
“Nope.”
“La la la la!”
“Please tell me there’s no stray cats anywhere on the horizon.” Brendon brushed cookie crumbs off his shirt.
Lisa pouted. “I wanted to do dogs, but Daddy said no…”
“You already achieved Code Parental Approval?” Marie exclaimed. She walked out into the kitchen, lights wrapped around her arms in a multicolored tangle.
Brendon gawked. “Without proofing the idea with us first?”
“Objection!” Jonny hollered. He threw his packages down on the counter, but one stuck to his hand. He struggled to disentangle his finger from the loose tape.
“Well, she told me,” Suzy said.
“I call for a revote,” Brendon said, raising his hand.
Lisa planted her hands on her hips. “You haven’t even heard my idea yet.”
“Well, do share,” Marie said. She frowned at the mess on her arms. “Brendon, can you help me find the plug end?”
“There is no plug end,” Jonny sneered. He smirked and forced an evil overlord voice. “They go in one endless circle. There is no way out.” He threw his head back and laughed, then resumed picking at the tape that trapped his finger.
Marie gazed at Brendon pitifully. Brendon sighed and walked over to her. “Well, we’re listening, Lisa.”
Lisa smiled. She straightened and folded her hands in front of her like a schoolgirl giving a presentation. “This is not only a fun idea…”
“Fa la la la la!”
“…but a wise one.”
Brendon crooned dramatically.
“Because,” Lisa stuck her nose in the air, “it involves something we already have around the house.”
“Cookies?” Simon asked hopefully. He stared at his crayon box for a full minute before selecting the precise shade of blue.
Lisa rubbed her chin. “Maybe we can make some when we get back.”
Brendon, Marie, and Jonny groaned in strangely harmonious unison. “Must your ideas always involve wandering around in the cold during the dead of night?” Brendon moaned.
Marie paled. “I don’t want to go door-to-door again!”
Lisa assumed the soothing voice of a teacher. “Mama says we have to go when it’s daylight, and yes, we’ll go door-to-door. We’ll probably go downtown, too.”
Marie screeched as though she’d just seen a mouse. “I don’t want to walk up to random people’s houses again! It’s so weird and stalk-y!” Her hands flew to her face, jerking the lights out of Brendon’s grip.
“Hey, I almost had it,” he complained. Marie slowly lowered her arms, but they were visibly shaking.
“It is not stalk-y, it’s neighbor-ly! It’s a way of spreading goodwill, peace on earth, and utterly random acts of kindness!” Lisa declared.
“La la la la!”
“It always was the ‘random’ part of RAK that bothered me,” Jonny mused. He yelled triumphantly as his finger yanked free – ripping a strip of wrapping paper off the package. Jonny yelped and hid it with his hand. “Don’t look!” he said to Brendon, “it’s for you!”
“I can’t do this, I can’t do this!” Marie vibrated.
“I don’t want to leave – I’m not done with my drawing yet,” Simon pouted. “Can’t we just have cookies?”
“Yeah, I need to rewrap!” Jonny waved the loose strip of wrapping paper in the air.
“Order in the court,” Brendon yelled. He held up the plug end of the lights and pressed it into Marie’s hand. “Now don’t lose it.”
She stared at it, then glanced down at her arms. “Can you help me get them off my arms?”
Brendon sighed and began to untwist the strand. “Now, before we make any decisions, why doesn’t Lisa tell us what she wants us to do at random people’s doors?”
“Gladly,” Lisa beamed. “Suzy.” She gestured grandly to her younger sister.
Suzy dove under the kitchen table and rattled around. A moment later, she backed out and banged her head on the underside.
“Suzy’s shaking the table again.” Simon frowned at his picture of a snowman village.
“Suzy, stop shaking the table,” Marie repeated.
“Suzy, try not to hurt yourself,” Brendon added.
Suzy shook her mop of blond locks as she straightened, holding a cardboard box. The scent of pine blasted out of it and permeated the kitchen. Setting it on the chair, she opened the flaps.
“Did Mom give you permission to bring those inside the house?” Marie said dubiously, eyeing the mud-encrusted boughs.
“Well,” Lisa clarified, “she said we had to make the wreaths in the garage…”
“This is not the garage,” Marie reminded her.
“Wreaths?” Brendon questioned.
“Make?” Jonny squawked. “We have to make something? I don’t like making things. Unless it’s with Lego’s.”
“Mama said we can make wreaths with the pine clippings Daddy and Uncle brought from the farm. We’ll decorate them with ribbon, and then take them door-to-door…”
“I’m not going door-to-door!” Marie yelled.
“But it will be fun!” Lisa pleaded.
Brendon yanked on the strand. “‘Fun’ is a relative term.”
Jonny rooted in the kitchen drawer for more tape. “‘Fun’ is video games.”
“And cookies.” Simon held up his picture to admire it.
Suzy spun. “Fa la la la la!”
Lisa pouted. “It’s a good idea. Mom said.”
Brendon wrapped the last length of lights in a loop and handed the bundle to Marie. “Why don’t you tell us why Mom thinks it’s a good idea?”
“Well,” Lisa stressed, as though it should be obvious, “it’s a good use for those pine clippings.”
“La la la la!”
“And it’s neighborly.”
“Mailing Christmas cards would be neighborly, too,” Marie suggested.
Lisa crossed her arms and boiled. Simon put his picture down and regarded the box of clippings. “Deck the halls with boughs of holly,” he mused.
Suzy grinned. “Fa la la la la, la la la la!”
“’Tis the season to be jolly,” Lisa stressed, glaring at Marie. Marie wiggled her nose in thought.
“Fa la la la la, la la la la!” Suzy darted over to the coat rack and started yanking hats and mittens off the stand.
Marie smiled and sang. “Now we don our gay apparel.”
“Fa la la, la la la, la la la!” Suzy skipped back into the kitchen and held out a mass of winter woolies. Lisa took her scarf and proudly flipped it around her shoulders. Marie snapped ear muffs around her head.
Jonny snatched his multicolored-striped stocking cap from his sister and yanked it over his ears. “Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol!” he boomed, raising a hand and charging towards the door.
“Troll it with what?” Brendon challenged.
Jonny paused in the doorway. “Air guitar.” He flung the door open and leaped into the snow.
Suzy pulled her purple mittens on. “Fa la la la la, la la la la!”

“See the blazing Yule before us!” Lisa flung her arms out grandly and gestured and at the snowy subdivision. Three boxes of finished wreaths sat on the edge of the porch.
Brendon wrapped his arms around his chest. “I’m cold already.”
Suzy puffed breaths of steam into the air. “Fa la la la la, la la la la!”
Jonny shoved his brother in the arm. “Strike the harp and join the chorus.” Brendon swatted for him. Jonny grabbed a box and leaped off the porch, skittering down the sidewalk.
“I thought it was an air guitar.” Marie shivered.
“Fa la la la la!” Suzy waded into the lawn and gathered a fistful of snow.
Simon, wrapped up to the nose in several layers of scarves, toddled up beside her. “La la la la!”
Lisa picked up another box and sauntered down the sidewalk. “Follow me in merry measure!”
“Fa la la la la!” Suzy threw back her arm and flung her snowball.
Jonny yelped as white splattered into the back of his head. He slipped and sprawled on the sidewalk, grabbing at his hair and shrieking. “I’ve been hit! This is the end! Go on without me, star command!”
Simon threw his lumpy handful of snow. It landed at his feet. He frowned.
Marie laughed. “La la la la!” She tromped off the porch to Simon’s side and made a snowball for him.
“While I tell of…” Lisa’s song cut off in a scream. She dropped her box and scrabbled at the snow clinging to her braids.
The siblings glanced back. Brendon grinned cheekily, one snowball in each hand. “You weren’t watching,” he explained.
Jonny crawled to his knees. “While I tell of Yule-tide treasure!”
Suzy bounded up to him and yanked on the tail of his stocking cap. “Fa la la la la!”
Marie pointed at Brendon. Simon held his arm up to fire.
Brendon grabbed the last box and held it up to shield his face. The snowball splattered across the side. “La la la la!”
He squawked when Lisa hit him from the other side.

“Fast away the old year passes,” Marie sighed dreamily. Her breath stood out in the fading light.
“Fa la la la la.” Simon snuggled up against her shoulder.
Jonny struggled to hold on to the flattened boxes under his arm. “La la la la…” He tried to finish, but a yawn choked his efforts.
Brendon stifled one of his own as he herded his siblings up the driveway. “Hail the new year, lads and lasses.”
Suzy wrapped herself around his arm and buried her red nose in his sleeve. “Fa la la la la, la la la la!” Her voice muffled.
Lisa spun around and gazed at all of them. She clasped her hands and grinned. “Sing we joyous, all together!”
She flung her arms out. Marie set Simon down, and they all joined hands.
“Hey!” Jonny protested, gesturing with the cardboard. “I’m excluded, here.”
“Then put the cardboard down,” Marie suggested.
“Well, if I’m going to put the cardboard down… I’ll do this!” Jonny threw the pile on the snowy concrete and leaped on top of them. He shoved his foot and howled. He slid two feet down the driveway.
Suzy bent over him and poked his leg. “Fa la la, la la la, la la la.”
Brendon shook his head and blinked the grogginess out of his eyes. “What was the last line?”
“Heedless of the winter weather!” Marie laughed and shoved him into the snow piled on the curb.
Suzy giggled as her brother flailed, spraying snow. “Fa la la la la, la la la la!”

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 10th, 2010, 11:50 pm 
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And, if anyone is curious... here is the short story I wrote based on the carol "I Wonder as I Wander." First-person, present-tense narrative with no dialog except for the song lyrics. Melody came up with the concept and I converted it to prose.

http://aubreyhansen.blogspot.com/2010/1 ... story.html

Opinions welcome!

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 11th, 2010, 12:20 am 
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I sadly didn't get anything written... but I LOVE that short story! :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 11th, 2010, 8:47 am 
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Location: Smacking my rascally MC and wanting fish and chips.
Agreed. They are both really good, Philli!

I wrote a 69 word story, inspired by my sister's recent piano recital. :D

I sit down at the elegant grand piano. The hall is festively decorated with thick boughs and red ribbon. My fingers glide across the keys until they find the right position. I can see my red dress reflected in the polished surface. I relax and begin. The melody streams from my small fingers. Deck the halls with boughs of holly… Christmas is here, and I am playing for Him.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 11th, 2010, 12:17 pm 
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I like that a lot, RP. :D And of course you know I like Wonder... ;)

I meant to write something but was....busy. :P Oh well. Maybe later.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 11th, 2010, 1:00 pm 
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I didn't come up with anything, but I'm impressed you got a whole short story out of it, Philadelphia.

I like your 69 word story, Shawn. That and your other 69 word story manage to pack a large amount of emotion into a small amount of space.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 11th, 2010, 1:07 pm 
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Thanks, Jonathan. :)

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 11th, 2010, 1:37 pm 
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Huge amount of thanks, y'all! Do you think the "Deck the Halls" story needs more of an arc? I want to polish it until it's blog-worthy.

I love the references to color, especially red, in your story, Lizzie! They give it a certain depth.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 11th, 2010, 1:42 pm 
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*sigh*

I can't even complete my own challenges... I had an idea, actually, but I just never got around to writing it. and then I forgot to post on here yesterday... :roll:

Yeah, just... forgive me. :D

Okay! Friday's prompt is: Carol of the Bells.
(I had a whole novel idea for this once, and I know longer remember it.)

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 12th, 2010, 12:43 pm 
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Phili that is totally cute and adorable. :D I love the way the children squabble and I love the way the one little girl keeps singing "fa la la la" like foreshadowing. And you work in not just one line, but the entire song! It's cute!!!

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 12th, 2010, 5:45 pm 
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Thanks for taking the time to look at it, Jaynin! :D I really appreciate the opinion. I will give it an editing run and post it on my blog, maybe tomorrow...

So far both of my carol-inspired stories have used all of the lyrics, because the text of the song defined the plot. (Though I can't take credit for the core plot of "I Wonder as I Wander" - Jenni's the creator there! :D) I'm not sure I'm going to do that with "Carol of the Bells," though...

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 12th, 2010, 7:28 pm 
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Aha! A poem drabble. It's actually 101 words... *sigh* but poetry won out over drabble requirements so it stays that way. :D And it's not my best either, but hey! I wrote something!
Quote:

Hark how the bells.

Chiming, calling, pleading, begging
Speaking sharply through the night
Speaking secrets never answered
Into ever dimming light

Sweet silv’ry bells.

Shining, swinging, clanging, ringing
Echoing o’er the empty city
Dimming, swelling, growing, singing
Speaking words of joy so free

All seem to say,

Fear not, know not, dare not answer
Leave me, know me, love me,
Ever ringing,
Ever calling,
Ever trusting to forever…

Throw cares away,

Hark to bells that ever call,
Across the city. Listen all
To chimes and peals and songs of might
They ring out old and ring in light

Christmas is here.





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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 12th, 2010, 9:11 pm 
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I like that, Jaynin! I love the abstractness and the mood.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 12th, 2010, 9:52 pm 
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Katie, you never cease to amaze me. How you can whip out poetry like that baffles me.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 12th, 2010, 10:54 pm 
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For the Carol Challenge, I wrote a short story called "The Lonely Valley". I'm going to post it on my blog at some point, so please mention any errors you notice or suggestions you have. All comments are appreciated.


The thunk of Joshua’s axe biting through the bark of the tree was followed by a strange ringing sound. He raised his head, listening intently. His gaze roved around the dale, through the snow covered forest, towards the hills and mountains that surrounded his lonely valley.

A few birds flew overhead, but no bird had ever chirped such a sound as he had heard.

A squirrel watched him suspiciously from another tree, as if wondering if its home was about to be cut down, but no squirrel had ever chattered such a sound as he had heard.

A strong wind swept through the valley, constantly changing direction, but it howled rather than rang.

Joshua knew the sound could not have been caused by a person. He had no family or friends to visit him, and no stranger had any reason to come to his lonely valley. For just a moment, he felt a weariness that was almost overwhelming, but he pushed it away.

When the sound did not repeat itself, he shrugged and swung his axe again. His left hand stayed firm at the base of the handle while his right hand moved down towards his left.

The axe bit into the tree.

Thunk!

Ring!

He raised his head and looked around. This time he thought he recognized the sound. A bell? He set his axe down and waited to see if the ringing sound would come again.

The birds flew on by.

The squirrel decided its home was safe and disappeared into a warm nest woven in the fall.

The wind continued to howl.

He waited.

Ring!

Slowly, he smiled, realizing what the sound was. The church in the little village in the next valley was ringing its bells, as it did every year at Christmas time in celebration of the Savior’s birth.

Normally the sound would have never carried through the pass to his valley, but the same wind that howled like the hounds of hell one moment was bringing him the sounds of heaven the next.

He glanced towards the sky, glad to be reminded that he was never truly alone. Then, his heart a little lighter, he raised his axe.

Thunk!

Ring!

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Last edited by Aragorn on December 14th, 2010, 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 13th, 2010, 3:13 am 
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Look at that Jonathan, we both managed to write something! There's hope for us yet!

One thing I'm worried about in that drabble is in the second verse

Quote:
Leave me, know me, love me,
Ever ringing,
Ever calling,
Ever trusting to forever…


the "ever" belongs both to the first line and the second. It's really:
Quote:
Leave me, know me love me ever
Ever ringing, ever calling, ever trusting to forever...


both in beat, metre, and rhyme. Is that too confusing? Or did you figure out that they share a word?

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 13th, 2010, 11:05 am 
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Apparently failing on the last challenge inspired us to get to work on this one. :D

I didn't realize that about the second verse. So I guess the two lines sharing a word is a little confusing.
Vanya Katerina Jaynin wrote:
the "ever" belongs both to the first line and the second. It's really:
Quote:
Leave me, know me love me ever
Ever ringing, ever calling, ever trusting to forever...

Putting it that way makes it clear.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 13th, 2010, 12:14 pm 
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Airianna Valenshia wrote:
Katie, you never cease to amaze me. How you can whip out poetry like that baffles me.


My feelings exactly. :D

Jonathan, so glad you wrote something for the challenge! :D I copied your story over to read later today.

I haven't come up with an idea for "Carol of the Bells" yet... I'll work on it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 13th, 2010, 7:15 pm 
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I have a few ideas I'm knocking around, but they aren't written yet. I'm trying to push through Chapter 3 in ASS... :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 13th, 2010, 11:14 pm 
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I like the eerie, sort of mysterious, feel of your piece, Jonathan. For the bulk of the story, we are visually scanning the surroundings and wondering what made the noise. (For awhile, I thought it might be something with this axe.)

I like how he realizes the wind, sometimes vicious, was the carrier of the pleasant noise. I might make that deeper by expounding on the bitterness of the wind earlier in the passage.

I think the story loses a bit of its impact at the end: “His burden of loneliness lifted just a little. He was not truly all alone in his valley. On a Christmas many years before, God’s Son had come to earth to save mankind and dwell with them forever. Including in Joshua’s lonely valley.” While the sentiment is solid, I think the phrasing is a bit trite. I think if the narrative were more indirect, like the rest of the piece, it would have a lot more impact. I’d probably drop the line “His burden of loneliness lifted…” – that’s implied when he starts chopping again. Instead, uphold the dreamy feel and say something vaguer about “He was never alone in the valley. There was always someone with him, ever since the first Christmas years ago…” The grammar is off there, but you know what I mean.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 14th, 2010, 12:51 am 
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Thanks for the critique.

Philadelphia wrote:
I think the story loses a bit of its impact at the end: “His burden of loneliness lifted just a little. He was not truly all alone in his valley. On a Christmas many years before, God’s Son had come to earth to save mankind and dwell with them forever. Including in Joshua’s lonely valley.” While the sentiment is solid, I think the phrasing is a bit trite. I think if the narrative were more indirect, like the rest of the piece, it would have a lot more impact. I’d probably drop the line “His burden of loneliness lifted…” – that’s implied when he starts chopping again. Instead, uphold the dreamy feel and say something vaguer about “He was never alone in the valley. There was always someone with him, ever since the first Christmas years ago…” The grammar is off there, but you know what I mean.

I'm glad you pointed that out. I agree that it is too direct in comparison to the rest of the story.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 14th, 2010, 3:10 pm 
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Tuesday is here! Carol number three: O Holy Night.

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 14th, 2010, 9:50 pm 
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I made some changes to the ending of "The Lonely Valley" in response to Philadelphia's suggestions and edited them into the posted story.

Now I'll have to come up with something for "O Holy Night". :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 14th, 2010, 10:54 pm 
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I like, Jonathan! :D

I'm falling behind now! :( After CaTR I will have to catch back up. I like both "O Holy Night" and "Carol of the Bells." For the former, I've always envisioned a sibling pair from one of my longer novels singing it. Maybe I'll write a scene to go in the novel for the challenge...

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 14th, 2010, 11:26 pm 
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Thanks!

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 17th, 2010, 6:05 pm 
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Friday is here...

Looks like we all failed together. :roll:

Hm.... *ponders*
Does Sleigh Ride count as a carol? I think so, just not a well known one. :D

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 17th, 2010, 6:47 pm 
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I've just been really really bad about writing in general. :P

I'll think about the challenge again. :D

Hey.......I know that song. XD At least, the essence of it. I don't really know most of the words, but an instrumental version was among my favorite Christmas songs when I was...uh... eight. XD

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 17th, 2010, 7:25 pm 
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I'm still behind! And I like both "O Holy Night" and "Carol of the Bells," too. :( However, CaTR is over (sort of) for now, so I hope to catch back up on some of this.

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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 17th, 2010, 8:49 pm 
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@Melody: Me too. I just found out it had words like, last week. My dad plays the solo version on piano sometimes if you really, really beg hard. He's good at it, and it's so fun. :D

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Floyd was frozen where he stood. He struggled to breathe, but the air smelled of blood and death and guilt. He tried to formulate a name, to ask, but language was meaningless, and words would not come. He tried to scream but the sound got stuck in his heart, shattered into a million pieces, and scattered to the wind.

In a world without superheroes, who will stand against the forces of evil?


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 Post subject: Re: The Carol Challenge
PostPosted: December 18th, 2010, 7:35 pm 
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:blush: I haven't done anything yet beside what I posted...

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