I have never dated nor been in a situation to observe others dating or courting. Recently, I realised that all of my 'married' couples were basically just really good friends. My brother and sister pairs interact exactly the same......

So.....is this fine, or is there something I can do to write it better?

I think it's pretty awesome to bring out the best friends aspect of marriage, which is so often lost in today's literature. So kudos to you for getting that right.
But at the same time, there's a deeper, more in-depth undercurrent to the relationship that should also show through, I think.
Throwing in a few physical 'flourishes' that would be wrong or just weird between friends or siblings can help differentiate your married couples, but that's not quite what I'm getting at.
I think you should portray a sense of disatisfaction with distance, or lack of knowledge between the couple. That they always want to know more of the other person, to be constantly learning new facets of their character as it changes and unfolds over the passing of time.
Genuine love of and interest in the other person as a person - almost a sense of wonder and curiosity - is, I think, one aspect that can set marriage relationships apart from mere friendships.
Friends stand side by side, looking forward. Couples stand face to face, looking at each other.
Because of proximity, though, I think you should test marriage relationships almost more than friendships with interpersonal trials or differences of opinion. In a friendship, you can believe different and even go on your separate paths without fundamentally damaging the friendship - but the same can definitely not be said of marriages.
But true love, I think, is best shown in the way it sacrifices itself, in the way they push through the troubles and personal differences - attempting and desiring fundamentally to always close that gap between them, to become, as much as they can be - one flesh.

I know that when you apply this to actual writing, this turns into a lot of deep, passionate feelings and thoughts - which is uber-hard to portray accurately as we want it. But it can be done!

Areth,

Ka

Really? Thank you!!

Yes, I did think of that - but I have literally no idea how to portray a married couple other than shoving them into the bedroom; and I refuse to think about that, let alone write it. And I was raised in a very physical family, so hugs and everything (strictly innocent, of course) that I would use for 'physical' in marriage, are the same outside as well.....

However, that analogy is genius and will be of immense help!! Thank you so much!!


*groans* Of course, now I need to rework that - since I've written all as friends.... - my characters are incredibly similar......

*grins*

Hopefully this helps though....

Sure.

Well, you could just take them by the hand and push them into the bedroom, and then kindly close the door after them.

Hmm. Now that you say that about your upbringing, that makes a lot of sense. My family is not that way, so I don't quite have that problem. But still. I think one way to preserve both aspects (friendship and intimacy), throw in a few natural "romantic" moments (a kiss, holding hands, etc....) and give it a playful nudge/twist by introducing best-friend banter into it. This keeps it from being lovey-dovey while still portraying a level of intimacy that goes beyond friendship. I think. Haha!

Mhmmm! Writing, rewriting, and more rewriting! But hey, we signed up to be WRITERS after all, didn't we?

So glad that was helpful!

Areth,

Ka

I think some of it could be implied with closeness. Family and friends often want to be together, but couples in love are drawn to one another. Like not being able to pull away from the window when you first see a hummingbird. It is a sort of love that is beautiful in its mystery. You grow up understanding the dynamics of your family. This is the way your brother is, he has his habits that he keeps to himself, but that's fine because you know having him on your team in a card game makes the two of you a force to be reckoned with. You may also be able to go to him with your sorrows and pains, but it isn't a mystery. It is literally familiar love. I think in romantic love, the draw is never gone. The treasure is never quite attained because there is always a little bit deeper; a little bit more to learn about your love, another new piece to cherish.

This from someone who has never dated either and has no prospects. Hopefully it helps though.

http://splicketypubgroup.com/10-things- ... g-romance/

I found this helped as well.

O.o

Beautiful. You nailed it.

*laughing* And is there a difference between our methods of leaving our characters in the bedroom??? Mine don't WANT to go in the bedroom either.... They share my tendencies. *grins* How does the Doctor put it? It's a whole room just for sleeping - you go into other rooms when you're awake!

*sighs* Yes, I have run into that problems with friendship; because when other families or people don't understand that about how I was raised, it can get awkward.....

Yes, definitely writers... If the first ten times I've rewritten this thing haven't clued me in, maybe this one will.... *Grins*



The link helped more that the explanation did.... *smiles* Sorry, to me, my brother is still a mystery, so..... But it does make sense....

If I made sense??

Well, I find brothers to be a " " mystery more than an enrapturing one. I know what you mean though. I'm glad the article helped.

It's odd that you say this, since a large part of what attracts me to marriage is the idea of being able to know someone so well that they aren't really a mystery. I find it deeply satisfying to get to know somebody so that I can predict how they talk and act, so they make me laugh sometimes when they do something utterly characteristic of themselves. I want to have an exciting life filled with the new and unknown - but anchored with some things I do know very deeply, like a spouse, or a friend, or a favorite book.

That being said, I want this sort of relationship because I've experienced it in my family. Maybe it is more of a familial love thing and I haven't figured out yet how a romantic relationship would be different.


I spent a long time trying to write something that explained my thoughts about this, but in the end I only figured out that I haven't gotten it figured out yet. The main point I was trying to express, though, is that marriage involves two people working towards the same goals. The husband and wife are both committed to the relationship, to any children, to the direction they want for their lives. I think of the marriages I've seen among missionaries where I live. The husband and wife might appear to be doing different things - maybe the husband teaches at a university while the wife works with other women - but they must be united in their ultimate goals and their vision for spreading God's truth. Different people, different genders, different individual jobs, but aligned to one end. In friendships or familial relationships, on the other hand, the parties are working towards different goals. You're just supporting a person as they do whatever they're going to do.

This is why I most often enjoy romances in stories where you don't just see the internal mechanics of how the two people relate to each other - you also get to see the external outworking of the couple planning together, fighting together, doing different things in different places but working to one end. It shows that these people aren't just committed to each other - they're also committed to the same goals, and committed to working together to achieve them. I find that romantic.

I'm reminded of the development of Vin and Elend's relationship from Brandon Sanderson's first Mistborn trilogy. At the beginning, they're very different people with different goals and commitments. But as time goes on, they come to understand each other better, they listen to each other, they change their ideas and shift their priorities, and by the last book they are working very closely together towards one clear goal. It's beautiful to watch, and much more healthy and sustainable than, say, a relationship between two infatuated teenagers who both happen to hate the same evil dystopian government.

Understanding and mystery are both part of it though. Not a creepy mystery, but always being able to understand and discover another deeper part of the person you love.

Yes. That is a really good point. What really reflects a strong relationship is not the need for companionship to stave off the loneliness; it is a unity of purpose between two individual people. That's one of the amazing ways marriage reflects the Trinity. Distinct persons with distinct personalities, but together operating as one unit. That's a great reminder too. I love seeing teams or couples in stories engaged in two different tasks but working to the same goal, as though they are two hands playing the same piece of music.

I think it's both, really, for me, as Kitra said.
I love the feeling of at-home-ness. Knowing someone so well that it's a haven when you're around them. An anchor of what you know incontrovertibly.

But for me love also has the mystery/desire aspect... that they never cease to fascinate you, and you always want to learn more, to know them better. It's interest in them as a person. You could sit and talk to them all day just to know them better, and that would be exciting and fun and worthwhile to you...

Its like when we love someone we get a glimpse of the mystery and beauty of being and of individuality; and at the same time the mystery and beauty of communion. Two and yet one. One and yet two.

I love that example, sheesania. I really really like Elend and Vin's relationship as well. And that is a really good point, too. Maybe I should rephrase the original "proverb" :

Friends stand side by side, looking forward. Infatuated teenagers stand face to face, looking at each other.

Real lovers do both.

Areth,

Ka

I don't think any proverb should have infatuated teenagers in it.

Exactly. Love that analogy.


Huh. I think I see what you mean, but that happens to me even with people I don't have any romantic relationship with (or feelings toward).


Exactly. I've been studying government in school lately (trust me, this will relate), so as I've been considering governments and their role in society I've been thinking a lot about God's design for society. I keep coming back to marriage as a perfect example of the kind of mutual sacrifice and unity-diversity that I believe characterizes a truly Christian society. Consequentially, my ideas for stories have had a lot of marriages in them as I'm trying to write about what a Christian community would look like.


Yay Brandon Sanderson. He actually does a great job (generally) of writing romances/romantic relationships, in my opinion - at least, he's much better than most other authors I read. What I love about his romances is exactly what I said - he shows the couple working together. He might begin the romance with a fairly empty attraction, but then he shows how they fit with each other, how they clash with each other and how they work out their conflicts, how they sacrifice for each other, how they are able to work together and support each other - and then they get married. The end result is that I, who almost never likes romances, wind up shipping many of his couples to an annoying extent. Don't get me started on the Stormlight Archive...


No, the infatuated teenagers stand face to face, looking at their own illusions of each other. Real lovers stand face to face so they may look forward.


Haha! The proverbs are supposed to be said to the infatuated teenagers.

Or repeated by them ad nausium, yet still completely misunderstood... Like that one Dickens quote from the scene where the abusive murderer was trying to propose to the doll shop girl.

Oh yes. That too. Quite right.