Wow, V! I need to go back and read the first chapters! I really like it!
And yes, I think his mental struggle with himself is very well written and easy to understand.
| Holy Worlds Christian Forum https://archive.holyworlds.org/ |
|
| Penalty, Chapter IV https://archive.holyworlds.org/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=5671 |
Page 1 of 1 |
| Author: | Jay Lakewood [ February 24th, 2012, 3:22 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Penalty, Chapter IV |
Chapter IV Tadix finished his chore of resetting traps, then returned home. His brother, Etavke, had gone to town for some reason, but had returned an hour or so before Tadix came in. He had his suspicions, but he’d hoped that Etavke would choose working at a normal job instead of one that might not pay well. “Hello, Ma. I set up the traps.” Tadix set the backpack on the kitchen table. “Where’s Etavke?” “He just came back from the drafting station.” “Why?” Tadix’s expression appeared to be confused. “He’s joined the military, to fight against the Aeloo.” Ma set a bowl of potatoes on the table, began peeling them. “I just heard from a friend that the Aeloo nation is attacking us.” “What! And you let Etavke, my brother, enlist?” Tadix shouted. “Stop shouting Tadix!” She ordered. “He’s old enough, and we’ve talked about him joining, and he’s allowed to make his own decisions.” “But...but...” Tadix dropped his shoulders. “He’ll get killed. I know it.” “You can talk to him; he’s in his room. Tadix grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulder while marching to Etavke’s bedroom, fuming like a desert storm. I can’t let him go. He swung the large door open, not caring about why Etavke might have closed it. “Etavke!” Tadix burst in. “Yes? The war, right. I forgot to tell you, I’m joining the army.” Tadix rolled his eyes. “And why did I just run in here? To stop you!” Etavke pushed his chair back, then faced Tadix. “Look, it’s my decision, so technically you can’t stop me. But you may tell me why I can’t go.” “You’ll die out there. Those Aeloo, they’re dangerous.” “We’re stronger than they are. The Aeloo don’t have a chance.” Tadix left the room, still angry. Just because he’s 16 doesn’t mean he can roll over me. He ran out the door, not even saying farewell to his ma. There has to be some way. ******* Hofwu sighed tiredly, and stumbled over a fallen tree. Birds chirped, and the wind whistled through tall pines, all of the things Hofwu hadn’t seen before, and probably wouldn’t see again. He wondered at the strangeness of it all. Quite suddenly, beyond a thin wall of trees, a road came into view. Hofwu moved faster, trying to reach that easier path. After getting tangled in some massive vines, he reached the road, which had only one person walking on that stretch. Tadix. ******** Tadix fumed, angry both at Etavke and at the Aeloo. They have no right to get us in a war that will kill my brother. Tadix didn’t bother to look ahead for anyone else walking. He ran straight into Hofwu, and they both landed on the ground. “Ouch! Watch where you’re going!” Hofwu snapped, pushing Tadix off of him. “It’s not my fault you were━” Tadix stopped, staring at Hofwu. “You’re going to kill my brother.” His voice pounded with anger and wrath. “I don’t plan on killing anyone! I just have a message for your leader.” Hofwu protested. “A message of war?” Tadix glared. Sighing, he revealed the message. “Yes. I’m sorry.” Screaming with bright, liquid rage, Tadix leaped onto Hofwu, sending him back to the ground, pinning his arms to his sides. “You...won’t get there!” Tadix shouted. Somehow Tadix managed to pull that coil of rope from his backpack, and wrapped it around the Aeloo, tying him tightly. “It wasn’t my fault, young Toxati.” “You’re an Aeloo. What does it matter?” “Actually, it does matter, because I don’t really like war.” Hofwu grinned sheepishly at Tadix, then continued. “I’m an ambassador for them. I have a little idea of what is happening, but not the complete story. You have to believe me!” Tadix shut out the plea, and ordered the Aeloo to march. They backtracked to Tadix’s tree house, and there Koon stepped in. “What are you doing with him?” He asked. “They’re going to kill my brother in war!” Koon grimaced. “Yes, I suppose that could lead to ill feelings. But why, ambassador?” “Orders are orders. I have no knowledge except the Shenilaens must be freed. They are our allies, and we must protect them.” Hofwu winced as Tadix dropped him on the floor. “Tadix?” Koon lost his look of trust. “I thought you were helping me?” “I am helping you.” Tadix stood, then paced. “Then...what about him?” Tadix stopped pacing. “He is an enemy to my country. He brings war to us, and my brother will die if it begins. And that sounded so good. I should write that down.” Hofwu rolled his eyes. “Great. So you just leave me alone, and I’ll just go back to my leaders, telling them that some fool with rope stopped me from delivering my message. I’ll be killed for that, or worse. ” Tadix raised an eyebrow. Killed? I...I don’t want him killed for that...It’s my fault... Tadix groaned, and immediately began untying Hofwu. I’m sorry. He stopped untying him, just for a second, and looked into Hofwu’s unblinking eyes. Yes. He’ll understand. “What’s your name, ambassador?” Tadix recoiled the rope. “Hofwu. Why did you untie me?” Tadix glared at him. It’s him or your brother. But I cannot let either of them die. They’re living beings, just like myself. Tadix stood, cleared his throat. “Give me that letter.” “No!” Hofwu backed away. “I must deliver it.” Tadix held out one hand for the letter, while the other held the rope. “Well, I don’t think you actually want to deliver that letter.” “Why?” “Because I know this country. The moment it is delivered, you’ll be held as a hostage, and no one will be able to help you. Either that or the sheriff will cut you down on the spot.” Hofwu turned his head to look at Koon. He nodded. “I see. Before I give this letter over to its certain doom, what’s your name?” Tadix sighed. He’d hoped no one would know who killed his brother. “Tadix. My name is Tadix.” Hofwu sighed once more, and handed him the letter. “Hofwu, ambassador of Aeloo.” -- Is Tadix's mental struggle with himself clearly written? |
|
| Author: | Camerie [ February 24th, 2012, 3:35 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Penalty, Chapter IV |
Wow, V! I need to go back and read the first chapters! I really like it! And yes, I think his mental struggle with himself is very well written and easy to understand. |
|
| Author: | Riniel Jasmina [ February 24th, 2012, 10:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Penalty, Chapter IV |
I think when he protests with his mother she should be a bit more emotional about it. Or at least, obviously try to hide some feelings. It has to be hard for her too. I'm surprised the comment about race from the last chapter didn't come in. All this talk of war and race, I really want to see what all of this characters look like! I think the story is going very well. |
|
| Author: | Elly [ February 25th, 2012, 7:05 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Penalty, Chapter IV |
I agree that his mother should be a bit more emotional. I mean, her son is heading off into war. 
|
|
| Author: | Jay Lakewood [ March 26th, 2012, 1:06 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Penalty, Chapter IV |
This topic has been locked as the information in it has become outdated. |
|
| Page 1 of 1 | All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ] |
| Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group http://www.phpbb.com/ |
|