I'd just ramble out a few sentences and try them on for size. Then we can hammer at it. XD

I might do that. I'll start with the basic framework we've decided on and see... Since there are a lot of angles to this book, taking a few shots with a different slant might do the trick. But we'll see what comes out when I sit down to write. XD (Must do NaNo first...)

*waits to see the first full Peter's Angel logline*

Here we go! Here's my first shot at a fleshed-out logline for Peter's Angel:

Title: Peter's Angel
Genre: fantasy
Logline: When he accidentally uncovers the rightful heir of the motherland, a passionate vassal rebels against his powerful overlord in an attempt to restore the long-lost prince.

And while I was at it, I reworked the logline for Faded as well. Jordan helped me with this one on another site, but we hadn't quite finished it, so I'm moving it over here...

Title: Faded
Genre: fantasy
Logline: Fighting aggressive lymphoma, a frustrated teen struggles to escape from a fantasy world where everything fades as it ages – except himself.

I'm liking the expansion. However, with "vassal", you're making your hook ambiguous. Is there another word you can use that would get across his prince-ship?



This one's sitting well with me. One thought… Would "dies" be better than "ages"?

I'm not sure on the "vassal" part. My creative twist is that a prince restores another prince; my stakes come from the fact that one prince is restoring his own overlord. Do you think if I replace the word "vassal" with "prince" that fief-motherland relationship is still clear?

No, I don't think so. "Everything fades as it ages" is the phrase I'll be using everywhere, and that's literally what happens. Stuff gradually fades as it grows old, so a human would fade for awhile before dying. Thoughts?

Thanks so much!

Could be… But then you'll be using "prince" twice for two different people. Complicated, this compelling logline of yours…



You're absolutely right here. I was doing something else about an hour ago and I suddenly went, "You know, I gave Aubrey totally the wrong word there. I hope she doesn't use it."

Yes, the multiple princes is complicated and part of the hook... but we don't want to make the logline too convoluted. Do you think I can leave it at "vassal"? By nature of the word, a vassal is a nobleman or landlord indentured to someone, so I think the royal blood is implied. Technically I don't think it matters whether the vassal is a prince or a landlord or whatnot; the key is he's rebelling against his own overlord. Do you think that's good enough?

*is happy about the compelling part*

So shall I call the Faded logline good for present purposes? (And I've done that before. I have something hit me at random two or three hours later... )

Thanks so much, Jordan!

Depends on your market. I had to use my dictionary for "vassal", and even then it didn't necessarily have to convey what you say you want it to.



I think so!

Market... *thinks* This is fantasy with a strong historical feel. The feudal system was extremely common in the middle ages, so history buffs would get it. It's not a concept I see as much in standard medieval fantasy, though, to my knowledge.

So think the word is probably okay, but I could come up with a synonym for "prince" and just use that. What about "landlord"? That's pretty accurate, but admittedly it sounds old to me. I'm not sure why. I could say "young landlord," which would be interesting, though I'd lose the "passionate."

The other alternative would be to rewrite the ending phrase so that I'm not using the word "prince" twice. Thoughts?

Yay! Thank you so much!

"Landlord" sounds like he owns an apartment complex…

What would you do to the ending phrase?

There is that. But I think, given the medieval-fantasy tone of the logline, that won't be a problem.

*rereads logline* I might revise it to say "restore the long-lost king." Technically the throne has passed to him, so he should be king, though I use the word "prince" in the book just because of his age and the fact that there's an evil uncle on his throne. But "king" might work just as well for the logline.

Some thoughts: Should it say "While fighting..."? Also, should it just say "world" instead of "fantasy world"?


"King" sounds good to me.

Yay! Jonathan commented!

*ponders* I don't think the "while" is necessary. It used to say "Diagnosed with," which I changed to just "fighting" to be more aggressive and shorter.

I think I do need the "fantasy" adjective because I want to make it clear that we're dealing with a parallel universe situation like Narnia. The kid comes from our world and that's very important. Thoughts? (Jordan?)

*nods* I think I'm going to go the king route... I asked on Twitter (great place to do market research) and the essence people have for "vassal" isn't what I'm going for.

Thank you muchly!

How's this sound?

Title: Peter's Angel
genre: fantasy
Logline: When he accidentally uncovers the rightful heir of the motherland, a passionate prince rebels against his powerful overlord in an attempt to restore the long-lost king.

To me, it flows better with "While...", but that's probably just personal preference.


I like it. I will be able to judge better once I've read the book, though.

I'm very frazzled but I'm liking this latest revision, Aubrey. That's about all the brain power I have at the moment…

Malfhok, are you perchance on the Historical Fiction side of HW too? Raven of the Wood and I are working on a Historical Fiction novel but I didn't know if there was a logline thread over there.

Andrew

Y'know, funny you should ask, eruheran… I'm not over there just yet, but I was wondering yesterday if I should be! I'll put it on my list of things to do.

Thank you muchly, Jonathan and Jordan! Especially since you were frazzled, Jordan - I know how that is. I shall call those loglines done for present purpose. Yay!

You'll get to, Jonathan. Promise.

You're welcome.

Very good.

Sorry about that.

I have ten novels. It's going to take me a while to decide I need loglines for all of them...

So! I was thinking about Prince of Yen and thinking about subtitles and themes and whatnot and realized the horrible fact that I have no logline. And thus I come with my sturdy hammer to remedy said sad fact.

TITLE: The Prince of Yen
GENRE: Fantasy/Fairytales
LOGLINE: [We haz choices]

#1 Warned since his birth not to cross the mountains that divide his kingdom from the mortal world the crown prince of a fairy-like realm is determined to defy his fate.

#2 Seeking revenge for the death of his betrothed an impetuous crown prince defies the prophecies that fortell his death and crosses the mountains that divides his kingdom from the mortal world.

#3 While seeking revenge for the death of his betrothed an impetuous crown prince discovers that his best friend has been studying forbidden magic and must make an impossible choice between the law he's sworn to uphold and the lives of those he cares about.

#4 After discovering that his best friend has been studying forbidden magic the crown prince of a fairy-like kingdom struggles to reconcile two incompatible tenants - mercy and justice.

I love it when people write multiple loglines for the same story, so you get some bonus points.

Your second version is the one that's most compelling. The setup is great. Revenge, ignoring a prophecy... Yes, this is good stuff!

The latter half could use some more punch. Maybe if you rearrange so that the part about the death prophecy doesn't come until the end?

You might also want to specify that this is a fairy (or whatever) prince, since you mention the mortal realm later. I was initially confused by that.

Yeah, I'm torn over whether not to call him a fairy prince... he was a fairy prince originally, and then I changed it so that people didn't think of wings. So... he's a fairy prince, but I never use the phrase in the novel. It's... complicated. (And they used to be immortal, but they still refer to the other side of the mountains as the mortal realm... yeah, let's go with complicated.)

*is in a hurry and will return later to rework the actual logline*

*returns*

'kay....

Seeking revenge for the death of his betrothed an impetuous crown prince crosses the impenetrable mountains that divide his kingdom from another world, defying the prophecies that fortell his death if he does so.

That's a bit cluttered...

Seeking revenge for the death of his betrothed the heir of a secluded kingdom crosses the mountains into another world, defying the prophecies that fortell his death if he does so.

Better?

I like it. Though you need a comma after "betrothed".

*fixes comma*



Well, that was easy...

*is happy for Katie's logline progress*

One down, nine to go.

All right, here's another one for you that came to my while waking up this morning.

TITLE: The Last Wizard
GENRE: Fantasy
LOGLINE: A half-wizard boy with eyes that change color only wants to be a healer and help people, but every magical thing in the land wants him for a darker, more sinister purpose.

Does it matter for logline purposes that the boy's eyes change color? If it does, get it in there.

What is the darker, more sinister purpose?

Ok, I have a break in homework, so here it goes:

The Legend of Braim
Fantasy Fiction
When a quiet ranger is captured by an enemy raid, his two persistent companions must break into an enemy castle to rescue him, and capture the plans for the invasion of their homeland.

-Or-

When a quiet ranger discovers that he is heir to a former province of Telnor, he must choose between remaining in the ranger corps, or rising through pain and torture to reclaim his rightful position with the help of a wise elf and a novice ranger with a secret and troubled past.

This one is my favorite of the two.

Are the companions persistent because the ranger doesn't want them around? That's what it sounds like to me right now.

Ok, perhaps: When a quiet ranger is captured by an enemy raid, his two tenacious companions must break into an enemy castle to rescue him, and capture the plans for the invasion of their homeland.

I'm trying to convey that they will stop at nothing to rescue their friend from the hands of their enemies.

That does work better, and this is a decent logline as-is. Two reservations:

1. If your main character is the ranger, you'll want to rewrite to make him the active one here.

2. The story sounds a little cliché in a boiled-down logline. What makes this story unique? Can you get it in here?

Okay, it's a fact, I hate trying to condense a story down to a paragraph, let alone a sentence. However, I realize I really need a logline for the first book of my trilogy. I've been working on it here and there for a while, but now I need some input. So here it goes.

Title: Truth
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: Trapped in a dreary little village, a daring young woman embarks on a quest to discover truth and a purpose to life and finds herself in the middle of a battle for not only the freedom of those she comes to love, but for her own soul.

A half-wizard boy only wants to be a healer, but his eyes change color alienating him from the other villagers, and leaving him helpless to the demonic purposes of every other magical thing in the land.

Better? Personally, I think there's something wrong with the tense, or perspective or something...

Can you quantify the truth and purpose? Right now, you've got a lot of vague statements that doesn't really tell me about the story. What are the events of the story? What's the hook that makes me want to read the whole thing?

I think what's up here is that you've explained a situation, but you haven't told us the What Happens Next that gets the story going.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I've tried something a little different. Hopefully it will be a little closer to what I need.

Seeking whether or not life is more than the day to day monotony she's always known, a daring young woman escapes her captive village to discover the truth and finds herself caught up in a battle against a force of great evil that is after not only the lives and freedom of those she has come to love, but her own soul.

Okay, okay. Back up a bit here. Let's ask some questions.

1. What is the young woman trying to discover the truth about? Everything? Or is there some aspect you can dial in on?

2. Can you name the evil? Nameless Great Evils aren't all that intimidating.

Just start there. Define what these are.

Here's what I came up with as I was trying to fall asleep last night. (I do that a lot. ) Any better?

Seeking whether or not life is more than the day to day monotony she's always known, a daring young woman escapes captivity to discover the truth behind the lies that have enslaved her village for generations and finds herself caught up in a battle against a powerful lord who is after not only the lives and freedom of those she has come to love, but her own soul.

It's still really vague. Let me see if I can run with some nuances I see in here and boil it down a bit. (This is likely totally wrong in terms of plot points, but you can fix those!)

A daring young woman escapes from her enslaved village, only to find herself caught up in a battle against a powerful lord who is after the lives and freedom of those she loves—and her own soul.

How's that sit with you?

You make it look so easy. I like it. It's simple and concise, and the plot points are good, actually. I think I tend to be too wordy and make things too complicated. Definitely things to work on when creating other loglines.

Here's mine.

Peacekeeper's Essence
Fantasy
Weights of the past and present must be cast off by the three to ensure the scourge of Wallin does not taint the land red.

Is that too short? It lacks some sort of... poetic sparklyness.

It's a good length, but I also have no idea what it's talking about. Who are "the three"? Who's Wallin? And what specifically are the "weights of the past and present"? Oh, and why would it be bad if the land was red?

Lemme try again then...

Scars of the past and the trials of the present must be cast off by three dragons to safeguard the prison-hold of Wallin Isle, save the land drown in the crimson tide of war.

Good enough...?

I'm still not sure what the hook of the story is. Try this… What if you had three sentences to tell me what your story was about? What would that look like? Assume I know absolutely nothing.

Alright... Thank you for your patience.

In Rantis an old map-maker's daughter is in danger, the power-hungry Marlu setting his sights on the hidden Wallin Isle where evil-steeped outlaws posses the power to crush the land of Yana-ra. The daughter falls pray to a deep depression and the charms of the silver-eyed Nikki until Marlu finds her from which she must find the courage to stand against. Her best friend Klydin and Nikki must descern truth from lies and rise from the ashes of their own ruin to rescue the map-maker and preserve Yana-ra.

Gack... That was harder than I thought. *gasp sputter faint*