Yep, I'm new.

In this version, I try to show that the conflict is between the wizards and the general public. Is this too short?

Mendel
Fantasy, with Sci-Fi/Historical Fiction elements.
A young student becomes the protege of a great Wizard, who attempts to protect both his students and his enemies, a hostile public, in an escalating conflict.

It's not necessarily too short, but you need to be more specific about the conflict. What is this danger? Concrete is better than vague.

I like that he's trying to protect his enemies, too. That's a nice twist, though the phrasing is a little clunky...

How would these changes do?

A man puts on a suit of armor, and is sent back in time, where he becomes his own ancestor before he returns.

A quiet hunter is forced to join a steadfast band cursed by a beautiful race brought from another world by a cowardly tyrant and an ancient sorcerer, and before the last of the faithful are destroyed they must find the answers to the queer Riddle of the Spear, which will drive that fair folk from the earth.

Minus the first comma, this is interesting to me.

Anybody else want to weigh in on whether or not this is enough to get you to read the back cover?



I'm still getting lost. Let me ask you... If you had three sentences to summarize this story, what would it look like?

Well, it is an intriguing concept, but it is missing an element of character, I think. The man is just a man.

Mm, you're right. Strangely enough, I don't necessarily think he needs an adjective. I mean, yes, it would add some flavor. But going back in time and becoming your own ancestor is immediately intriguing without character development.

So I suppose you could flesh him out in the logline and add to the interest!

I have another! *grin*

Tentative title: The Storyteller's Journey (sequel to The King's Bluff, for anyone who's interested)
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: Seemingly abandoned at birth, a deformed girl is prepared to succeed the village storyteller when she is sent away by his resentful wife at his death, causing her to embark on a journey to discover the truth about her past and become the storyteller she was meant to be.


And I shall be back when I get a better idea of the plot for book three....

Um... Zoe? Did you mistakenly clipboard the wrong logline?

Oddness. I tried to post on Saturday, but I didn't think it went through because of the bad internet connection. *will delete one*

Ah.

A skilled student of ancient warfare puts on a suit of armor and is sent back in time, where he becomes his own ancestor before he returns.


A quiet hunter is forced to take refuge with a small band of rebels after he stirs up the wrath of demon worshipers because his brother killed a sacred rat.
The faithful have a Riddle brought from the rainy north, and the answers of it must guide them in the war.
A cowardly tyrant and an ancient sorcerer bring a beautiful race of Elves from a world of splendor and deceit, and they can only be driven away by the Spear that slays the unicorn which is the way to the elves land.

The middle sentence used to be at the end, and I was not figuring out how to put it right. Then after a long time I came back to it, and saw that it would work if I switched it. How is that description?

Coming back to this weeks later. Here's another shot at capturing all that wayward plotting.

LOGLINE: As prophesied restorer of an ancient warrior society, an assassin-supersoldier is ruthlessly hunting down members of a subersive cult when he is contacted by a preternatural voice that offers him redemption and a new purpose, forcing him to choose between two destinies offered by supernatural arch-rivals.

I feel like that's a bit closer to what we're trying to get at...but I feel like there's some vague clutter that's blocking it out.

You're closer to this, but the fact that the prophecy is bad and the voice is good still isn't completely clear.

Perhaps change 'ancient' to some adjective that better shows the warrior society was evil. Though 'ancient' is probably an accurate word for describing the story, replacing it won't cost you anything because it doesn't really do anything in the logline for me the hook-e (one who must be hooked ). The idea of an ancient warrior society is cool, but doesn't define the story much in my mind, nor does it come near hooking me as much as the quoted section above would.

'Redemption' is good, but I wonder if you could make more clear what he's being redeemed from... Try playing around with various prepositional phrases to attach to 'redemption' and see if that helps any.

What I'm struggling to pin down here is that the truth (evil prophecy/good voice) is the opposite of what my character believes to be true.

Hmm... Perhaps give your assassin-supersoldier an adjective like 'misguided'? If you can show that the warrior society is evil, that the preternatural voice is good, and that the assassin-supersoldier is wrong in his judgment between right and wrong (like with something similar to misguided), would that be enough to get across what you need?

I'm going to have to get my readers to help me write a logline because I can't even write a summary. I know in my head what my book is about, but I just can't...describe it. This is especially bad when potential buyers ask me about it and I can't explain.

I come with a desperate logline.

Well, not as desperate as some I've attempted, but it still needs help. I'm still early enough in the process that some of the details may change, but I think the majority is here to stay. Anyways, here are my attempts (first three are closely related, and with the final attempt I decided to try a different route and see what happened):

Title: (unknown)
Genre: Fantasy
Loglines:
1) After stumbling into a fantasy world with his fantasy-loving best friend, a reluctant teenager must overcome his fears and adapt to the unfamiliar world in order to overcome the dark lord that threatens it and his friends.

2) After stumbling into a fantasy world with his fantasy-loving best friend, a reluctant teenager is forced to attempt to overcome the unfamiliar world and his own fears or risk dooming his closest friends.

3) A reluctant teenager is forced to adapt to an unfamiliar fantasy world and must overcome his own fears or risk dooming his closest friends to evil fates.

4) A fearful teenager takes a life-threatening gamble by time-traveling ‘blind’* through a fantasy world in an effort to save his closest friends from the evil fates that he caused by his own lack-of-faith.

* I wonder if my use of 'blind' is unclear here.

I think that this fourth one is actually pretty strong. If you grammar-check it, I'm actually pretty compelled by it. I don't think it's unclear at all how you're using blind. Good work!

*nods* I was having troubles getting the grammar of the end right.

Logline: A fearful teenager takes a life-threatening gamble by time-traveling ‘blind’ through a fantasy world in a desperate effort to save his closest friends from the evil fates he caused by his disobedience to a prophecy.

Hmm... feels a little clunky. And 'blind' is still bothering me. I'm not using an orthodox meaning for the word.

What if you change blind to blindly? Would that solve it? Otherwise, I think you've got a good one here.

I know I'm not really a part of this thread, but I have a suggestion.


A fearful teenager takes a life-threatening gamble by time-traveling blindly through a fantasy world in a desperate effort to save his closest friends from the evil fate he set in motion by disobeying a prophecy..?

What is this? Of course you're a part of this thread! Nobody has the monopoly on loglines. Stick around and welcome!



And it's a good thing you stopped by, because this is a good revision.

Jordan, did you see mine, or did it sort of get buried among the posts that happened while you were gone?

*pastes again so you don't have to go searching*

Tentative title: The Storyteller's Journey (sequel to The King's Bluff, for anyone who's interested)
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: Seemingly abandoned at birth, a deformed girl is prepared to succeed the village storyteller when she is sent away by his resentful wife at his death, causing her to embark on a journey to discover the truth about her past and become the storyteller she was meant to be.

I didn't see it, so thanks for bringing it to my attention. (Anybody else who got missed while I was gone, feel free to re-post and I'll answer 'em now.)

I'm not sure what the opening clause does for the rest of the logline. If you take it out, you can do something like…

When the village storyteller dies, the deformed girl who is chosen to succeed him is sent away by his resentful wife, causing her to embark on a journey to discover the truth about her past and become the storyteller she was meant to be.

I'm getting stuck on the resentful wife's motive and if it should be in the logline… Not sure.

Of course you're a part of this thread!
Indeed!

With a minor alteration I end up with:

Title: (unknown)
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: A fearful teenager takes a life-threatening gamble by time-traveling blindly through a fantasy world in a desperate effort to save his closest friends from the evil fates he set in motion by disobeying a prophecy.

Thank you, Jordan and NotThatShort.

Actually, I don't know where my brain was at; she wasn't abandoned at birth, she was seemingly abandoned as a baby. Anyway, the plot point is integral to the plot of the entire novel, because part of her search is to find out who her parents were and if they really did abandon her to die in the fire that deformed her....



Do you think it's enough to say she was sent away and not by whom?

In my opinion, the thread about abandonment and searching to find her parents is too complicated and tangential to work into the logline. It's enough to say that she's searching for her identity--you don't need to get into the specifics of her past or her search.

Alternately, if the part about her parents is the main thread, you might focus on that and less on the storyteller aspect. Depends on which element is more dominant in the novel. I would not try to cover both in the logline.

I think the bit about the widow sending her away is compelling... Otherwise it's like, "Who sent her away and why?"

Right, but see, if she's just a resentful wife in the logline… Resentful over what? Did the girl cause the storyteller's death?

Well, thanks.

You're welcome. I have a question though. Are all of the friends' fates vastly different? Because if they are the same or similar, it is one fate. That's why I said fate. But given I don't really know anything about your story...

Yeah, the fates are very different.
It seems that everyone I showed my logline-in-progress to thought I meant 'fate'. XD

Hmm... Then perhaps you should somehow show that they're different, so no one thinks it's a grammar mistake. Because obviously if they do, you have less chance of selling your book to them.

A fearful teenager takes a life-threatening gamble by time-traveling blindly through a fantasy world in a desperate effort to save his closest friends from their evil fates, which he set in motion by disobeying a prophecy.

I don't know. XD My revision wasn't that good. Actually, it stunk. It didn't even get my point across. I must need sleep... But anyway, do you get what I mean?

Hmm... but did people think I meant 'fate' because the logline was in-progress?

I doubt it, at least in my case. I try to read everything in this thread not as a logline in progress, but as a finished logline that you're pitching me.

So people will just assume I messed up in writing it.

*thinks*

Here is a repost, I forgot about it myself:



They were revisions of these:


What do you think?

Does the suit of armor send him back in time? Because if so, probably the only thing I'd change here is to specify that with something like, "…puts on a suit of armor that sends him back in time, where…"



So you have three story threads in here? Two thoughts:

1. Which would you consider to be the main thrust of the story? If you can pick a clear winner, sell the story on that one and let the readers discover the added depth of the other two.

However, for back copy purposes, you might want to logline all three, but pick just one to give people when they ask for a quick description.

Personally, I find the first sentence the most compelling.

2. How are these three stories connected? Can you logline that?

*pokes head in* I couldn't find a logline thread on Historical Fiction, so I'm posting here for help:

Title: Never
Genre: Western/mystery
Logline: When a young scholar is accused of murder and sent to work off his sentence in the deadliest mines in the west, his rancher brother must fight to prove his innocence, before the young man gives in to evil or is worked to death.

I just sortof whipped that out real quick, so suggestions or thoughts are welcome!

(There is a logline thread on HF, but it gets less traffic than this one. No worries, though!)

I like this one until you get to the part about giving in to evil. What evil? (And you don't need that last comma. )

Okies, about the comma.

As for the evil -- he's being relentlessly tempted to work for the boss of the mines, basically the equivalent of selling his soul to a sadistic criminal. I'm not sure how to summarize that in a word or two, other than "evil." But yeah, I wondered about that. Any suggestions?

First of all, I love that diagonal line of winky faces in the last post.

Okay, what if you did this?

"…before the young man gives in to the evil influence of his overseer or is worked to death."

How's that sit with you?

I've shown the logline to two people apart from this thread so far, and both got the right idea from it...

Well, perhaps it works, then. Always test on lots of people!

Me!

*chuckles*

*nods* I would probably say the part about her parents is the main thread, since it's what binds it to the rest of the series. But without the storyteller thread to make it unique, wouldn't it just sound like another story of a girl searching for her parents?


I could also use jealous as an adjective, but that could give the wrong impression and make it seem as though there was something indecent going on. *thinks*

How about this:

When the dying village storyteller designates a disfigured orphan as his successor, his resentful wife sends her away, causing her to embark on a journey to find out the truth about her past and become the storyteller she was meant to be.

It focuses on the unique aspect of the story, while still hinting at the main thread. Does it explain why the wife is resentful? And I'm not sure how good it is as far as clarity is concerned...it's probably not clear that "her" refers to the disfigured orphan. *will have to ponder some more*

Your worries about the clarity are the only thing holding me back. I wonder if it would get more clear if you tried something like, "…a disfigured orphan as his successor, his resentful wife sends the girl away, causing her to…"

Maybe?

I like this, I just think you need a stronger word than "cause." Forcing? Compelling?

Which makes sense. It would be the main thrust of the story in the sense that it is the only one which could accurately be said to apply to every part of the story. It was so general I thought it would not give the idea of the story. The other two were the main ideas of the story. But they are introduced and closed within the story.

But would it work as a logline?

A quiet hunter is forced to take refuge with a small band of rebels after he stirs up the wrath of demon worshipers because his brother killed a sacred rat.

Good idea.
So this would be the final logline:

A skilled student of ancient warfare puts on a suit of armor that sends him back in time, where he becomes his own ancestor before he returns.

Well, here's the thing… Your other two story threads don't really stand alone. I can't figure out what's going on from reading them. But the one above is pretty clear. Now, if we knew who these rebels were and why taking refuge from them affords safety from demon worshipers, it'd be stronger, but as it is, I get the general idea.



Yep!

Yay! I have a finished logline!

By the way, I read your book and it was good.

Exactly.

Would this work better?

Because his brother killed a sacred rat, a quiet hunter is forced to take refuge with an endangered band of rebels to fight against the wrath of the demon worshipers and their fair and evil friends from another world.