But you did it! *hands Seabird the smelling salts*

Okay, so looking at your three-sentence summary, I gather this about your story:

- The mapmaker's daughter is the main character.
- Nikki is a bad influence on her.
- She needs to withstand something that Marlu does to her, though it's unclear what.
- She eventually joins her best friend to save her father from… What?

How'd I do?

Okay... I'm going to give this a try.

Title: Last of the Shifters
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: A content young woman is thrown out of her perfect life upon the realization she is a shapeshifter, while a courageous young man must protect those he loves in the midst of betrayal and torture.

Wow, that sounds cliche...

And here's one for my other story:

Title: Ciarra (placeholder title)
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: While escaping the clutches of her ruthless sister, a frail young woman comes across something she's never known before - a friend.
Try #2: In a desperate attempt to save the life of her unborn child, a frail slave attempts to escape the clutches of her ruthless twin sister.

Thanks, E!

Actually, not too bad, here! I'd like to see a little more about how these two threads are interconnected, and maybe a little bit to solidify what vague betrayal and torture are, but you've summed up nicely, I think.



You have two compelling ideas in two different loglines. Which is your main thrust? Though I believe you could combine them if you wanted. You know, something like:

"In a desperate attempt to save the life of her unborn child, a frail slave woman is helped by her only friend to escape from the clutches of her ruthless twin sister."



I'm certainly not the end-all authority on loglines! Thanks for joining in. That's why I started these logline threads in the first place.

Thanks! Hmmm... the problem is, the two threads are really only connected at the very beginning, and the end, but I'll try! The betrayal is kind of a plot twist, so I don't want to say much about it.

Attempt #2: A content young woman is thrown out of her perfect life upon the realization she is a shapeshifter, while the courageous young man who brought her to that realization must protect her, along with everyone else he loves, in the midst of betrayal and torture.

Better? Worse? This one's not quite as concise as the first one...



What about this:
In a desperate attempt to save the life of her unborn child, a frail young woman attempts to escape the clutches of her ruthless twin sister. In the process, she comes across something she's never known before - a friend.

Can loglines be more than one sentence?

Okay, logline peeps! I have something special for you!

As some of you may know, I've been working on writing a book that contains everything I can cram into it about loglines.

Well, y'all have been great with your loglines, but you've also been a group that started with almost no knowledge of loglines, so I've constantly had to go back and work up from the basics. That inspired me to revise my plans for my book and include a chapter on getting started quickly.

And since HW is still the best place I can think of where storytellers galore need loglines but might not know what they are and how to start, I've decided to let y'all test read this chapter!

So use this handy-dandy link and read it on Google Docs. I've left commenting on for the document so that you can leave feedback right there if you're so inclined. Enjoy!

It's not as concise, but it does the trick for keeping the two pieces from feeling disconnected.

What's behind the betrayal and torture? Something more tangible you could focus on?



Ooh… Tough one. I'm an advocate of the single-sentence logline, though there are people who say it can be up to two.

Personally, I think it's compelling enough without the second sentence, but before you rip it out, which one is the main hook?

I read through your chapter, and it looked good to me. Sorry I didn't have more comments, though... I mostly just gave my general thoughts.



There is... but that would pull in another plot thread. The antagonist, Wulf, kidnaps the two protagonists, so that they can't fight for their people (because, as Shifters, they are very powerful). Anyway, Wulf is not a nice guy, and he's behind the torture. Another shapeshifter is behind the betrayal, but even that stems from Wulf's cruelty. *tries to figure out how to fit all that in a logline*



Ciarra's escape is what drives the plot, but her character arc is driven by the friend. I could probably just cut out the last sentence, though.

O.O
...

GAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! *tears hair* KSFJSJEIFJIFJEJFLSEFJLASEFJFJEJF CAPS RAGE

I'll get back to you when I'm done being frustrated with myself. Me thinks that I might be fitting too much into one book. Anyways...

FSJFOEFJSOFJSOFJSOEFJESOFJOFEOJFWOE D8<

Here, Sea, I'll see if I can help you out with my limited knowledge of loglines.

First things first, try reading that chapter Jordan posted about loglines. I found it very helpful.

Second things second, what is your story goal? That is the most important thing. What has to happen that makes the story, well, a story? Here's my logline that Jordan helped me make of the HF forum:

TITLE: True Freedom
GENRE: Historical Christian Fiction
LOGLINE: Two girls struggle to escape slavery in the South and find their younger sister, but the journey is long and hard before they find what true freedom really is.

The thing that absolutely has to happen is the girls have to find what being 'truly free' really is. I couldn't fit everything into that logline. There is much more to the story than that. Try this: Take the one, most important thing in your story. It should probably involve your MC too, if it's important. From my understanding, and I am pretty new to loglines (But I think Jordan is starting to get me addicted ) so you can correct me if I am wrong, but that's what you need to put in the logline.

At least, that's what I gather at the moment.

I'm Jordan Smith, and I approve of AzlynRose's post.

(Glad you're starting to feel addicted to loglines! There are worse things to be addicted to. )

Melody found this for me... A logline contest! Stick the blurb for your current WIP in the comments; the three most compelling loglines will win a signed copy of this author's book. http://mikeduran.com/2012/01/weekend-giveaway/

Y'all should try it. Make Jordan proud.

Jordan, you have to help me decide which one of mine to enter. Should I do Peter's Angel?

Thanks for sharing that, Aubrey!

Peter's Angel would probably work well. *tries to remember Aubrey's other ones* I know you did Red Rain… Anything else?

For WIP, I have a couple of scripts. Luke's Closet, Leaven, and The Iron Dragon most notably. But since this is a book-blog I should probably do Peter's Angel... (Red Rain is no longer a WIP.)

Yep, then Peter's Angel is your best bet. Unless you have something else you haven't loglined yet and want to.

*laughs* No, nothing in particular. Although Blue Fire will need a logline eventually. Thanks!

@Az- Well... I'm actually going to evaluate my plot a bit before taking another shot at the logline. There are a couple of loose ends in need of tying up...

That's part of the reason why writing a logline is such a great exercise. It helps you evaluate your book (and its market appeal) as a whole.

I'll be working on a new one for a new novel idea that's actually fantasy. Or science-fantasy. Or psychological fantasy. I haven't figured it out quite yet.

I'm going to return and try my hand at another logline once the judges discover who did which entry for the WWW.

If that time passes and it seems that I have forgotten for some reason, put a bounty on my head and send the nearest HWer after me.

Okay, I've changed the plot and hopefully I'll be able to make a decent logline.

'Kay... Here goes nothing!

Peacekeeper's Essence
Fantasy
Waking within a dark forest, Demiri remembers nothing but her name and has to depend on a shadowy creature for her survival along with other characters who claim to know who she is, all who combine their powers to stop a madman, his creations, and rescue the father she never knew.

.... Good enough I guess. Feedback please~!

Jordan! I have a little problem... If I revise Peter's Angel such that we're dealing with a treaty instead of a vassal agreement, it messes up my logline. How does this sound for a tweak?

"When he accidentally uncovers the rightful heir of a neighboring country, a passionate prince rebels against a powerful overlord in an attempt to restore the long-lost king."

Works for me! (How's that for a quick response? )

Short responses are dandy when said short response is "looks good." I just wanted to make sure the rewording made sense. Thankee!

I think this one makes more more sense. Good job! Just a few things are still unclear those, and I'll do my best as a person who is still learning loglines to help you.

First of all, leave out the name. From what I've observed, you don't use names in loglines. Try instead using an adjective that talks a bit about your character. Like 'determined girl' or something as an example.

I think there is a couple other things that could be better, but I can't pinpoint it. *looks to Jordan*

Oh, AzlynRose, thank you so much for replying there. I'd missed Seabird's post somehow.

Anyway, AzlynRose is right about the names rule. She's smart.

I'm inclined to think that what might be the trouble here is that you have quite a few things listed as going on. Is one of these the main focus? For example, you could write the logline to focus on rescuing Demiri's father instead of on all three.

Hmm... I'm glad someone took the time to read it and give advice.

Okay, I'm happy that I'm nearly done refining this..

Waking within a dark forest, a lonely dragon that remembers nothing but her name must depend on an odd creature for her very survival along with others of her kind who seem to know who she is to save the father she never knew.

How's THAT?

Getting there rapidly. The grammar here is clunky… If you read it out loud, you'll probably stumble over everything from "along with" to the end. Can you smooth it out?

I have a logline:

Title: Penalty
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: When three people of different races collide, it will bring a terrible war--yet those three people must try to bring peace before the arrows start flying.

Good structure!

I'm not sure you want to say the three people collide… Sounds like three people get in a car accident and start a war. Is there a better word for that?

Ummm, is it safe to say that they really do collide? Because the plot is based off of an ambassador heading to a country with a war message, then getting lost. That leads him to meet two other people from the country they're at war with, and that causes them to collide.

Mini-ramble over...

How about:

War is about to break out, and the war ambassador is the only chance of peace--But two teenagers are the only people who know, and they don't understand why the war must happen.

Yeah, whatever you like. It's ultimately your logline. My job is to just question everything.



Ooh, okay, this one is really compelling. I'm not sure about "are the only people who know". That's a little bit ambiguous, so you might want to re-write that a little bit.

Otherwise, I really like this version!

How about:

War is about to break out, and the war ambassador is the only chance of peace--But two teenagers are the only people who care, and they don't understand why the war must happen.

I changed 'know' to 'care'.

Care about… What? Know about… What?

That's the ambiguous part. Do they care/know about the peace? The ambassador? Both?

You are scarily fast...

They're caring about stopping the war, at all costs. (Which, by the way, actually starts the war. XD)

Well, there you go, then. Clarify that in the logline and I think you're good to go.

Yes, I can. I'll have a friend of mine help me with this one issue. At least the summarization is done. But yes, it isn't that smooth. I was more focused on getting the words down first, then revise.

Last year, a world and a story idea started forming in my head. I have little idea of the plot, but I decided to hammer out my logline anyway.

Working Title: Nesha Zone
Genre: Science fiction
Logline: In an alternate world where beauty is perfect, anything is possible, and no one dies, a teenage girl finds that man-made perfection has problems of its own. When this world starts crumbling around her, will she be able to escape?

Welcome! (Or have you been here before? )

You have a very compelling premise at the start (I really like it), but the ending feels a little cliché. What makes your story different?

Also… I'm a big advocate of the single-sentence logline, though I'm not quite sure how this one could be chopped down. But I think it could be done… That would be my challenge to you.

Thanks! No, I haven't been here before.

Well, like I said, I have little idea of the plot, so I'm actually not sure what, exactly, makes the story different. I agree, that ending feels cliched. I'll chew on that for a while.

How would my logline sound if I just took away the last sentence?

In an alternate world where beauty is perfect, anything is possible, and no one dies, a teenage girl finds that man-made perfection has problems of its own.

Hmmm. That sounds a little vague.

Well, without the second sentence, you have a logline with a moral, which I get after people for a lot, especially in Christian circles. (We always think we have to tell what our characters are going to learn, but story is so much more compelling when we discover the "lesson" naturally.)

It does flow better that way, though.

You know, it's actually pretty awesome that you're loglining before you have the plot figured out. I've done this with some ideas of mine. I write a logline based on what I know, then fiddle with the story a bit, come back to the logline and rewrite it to fit, rinse and repeat. It works pretty well for me.

One suggestion might be to try and combine the sentences a bit. Perhaps...

In an alternate world where beauty is perfect, anything is possible, and no one dies, a teenage girl finds that man-made perfection has problems of its own, and as this world starts crumbling around her, will she be able to escape?

That still feels a bit choppy and long... but it's one sentence.

*nods thoughtfully* Yes...I don't like morals in loglines, either. *sleeps on it*

OK. You might remember a logline I finished on the Sci-Fi side last November.



That was several months ago, and the plot has grown exponentially since then. So here's another go at it.

Title: The Last Pegasi (actually, it is possible that due to recent plot developments that this title will no longer work, but I'll keep it around as a temp name anyways )
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: When a creature long thought extinct reappears in the woods surrounding his village, a bitter tanner sets out to fulfill his dead father's calling.


Hm... feels like something is missing from it.

The plot still has several holes at the moment, so even when we finish again I might have to come back another time.

That's fine if it changes. Stories tend to do that...

Okay, here's my retry:

Working Title: Nesha Zone
Genre: Science fiction
Logline: In an alternate world where beauty is perfect, anything is possible, and no one dies, a teenage girl is both thrilled with her new exciting life, and scared of the person she becomes when she enters it.

And here's a try at my fantasy story, which has a partly written first draft but needs more development.

Working Title: Mahlia's Unicorn
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: A fatherless girl and a childless man must work together to escape a seething government.

I like that one. I do like it a lot. Is there anyway you could tell us a bit more about the character, though? Like 'a determined teenage girl' or something. A descriptive word in front will help tell us more about the character and make your logline even better.


A seething goverment? What are they seething about? Why are they hunting those two people?

I do like the way you introduced the fatherless girl and childless man, though. It gives us a clue about the characters.

I feel like I'm being an awful bother, but I have another one. After this I promise not to bring in another one for a long time....

Working Title: The King's Bluff
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: A young king follows his dead father's instructions to play the fool in order to avoid being assassinated by his evil regent, only to discover that he is not the true king after all.