Merashath is actually an evil bat-like creature that I made for a story of mine, but it's hard to describe him in detail in the short story. I'm trying to figure out a way to cut down the length of his description... it's about a page long.

Ok, So it's not a whole page, maybe 1/3 to 1/2 a page, but my goal is for the whole story to only be about 3 or 4 pages long...

Here is his description (unedited)

Hidden in the trees, watching, was Merashath. He was the brave knight’s assassin, sent by the dark lord of the forest. He was the exact same size as a human, and if you saw him, you may think that he was a human, deep in the shadows. Completely black from head to toe, Merashath was something to be feared. With talons of an eagle, he could easily tear apart the hide of a large bull. Seemingly small when he stood hunched over, you could pass by without any worries, unless you had seen him attack a hopeless victim before. Standing perfectly still, in the shadows Merashath would be, within reach of his prey, lurking, waiting for the perfect moment. When all his companions weren’t looking, he would silently spread out his wings and stand to his full height, and without any noise grab the unsuspecting victim from behind with his sharp talons, knocking him into unconsciousness, and after, without the realization of the poor mans companions, he would fly high into the sky and rip the man into two pieces, one side of the man’s head and chest, and the other of his legs and stomach, catching any blood in his mouth. He would fly to his master, and before giving him the body, he would eat it all, except the head, which he would present to the dark lord on a silver platter. Merashath was almost nothing like an eagle, except for the talons, and his shriek, whenever he rarely did yell out. The rest of his body was similar to that of a bat, with large menacing wings, and a long tail, which had been used many times for choking people when his favorite method of killing was not an option. Unlike a bat, his eyes were used, and when he caught anyone’s stare, the victim could be sure of death. But only one person had ever laid eyes on the awful Merashath and lived to tell the tale...

A sinister creature, for sure. If I may make a few suggestions about having this in your short story, I would much rather read active than passive voice (use of "was") and also show us this creature instead of telling us about it.

I also prefer 3rd person limited, so I'm not sure if your style works more for 3rd omnisicient. If you were to use 3rd lim. to describe this creature you would just have to have someone watching the merashath from a safe distance because the person it catches wouldn't likely get much detail in before he died.

When I say show instead of tell, I mean show an actual scene where the merashath catches and kills someone so that we can see it in action. That sort of description gets me more involved as a reader than telling me about all of its experiences body part by body part.

I hope this was helpful, and if you want I can take a look at your short story when it's done. I'm also working on a few short stories.

Thanks! Maybe I could have the story start with the death of Elanhil, witnessed by Lord Kearth.

Sir Kearth trudged on. Weary and fatigued from the quest completed, he stumbled across the border into the eastern kingdom.
“Elanhil, we shall spend the night here. Tomorrow at sunset we shall arrive at the castle.”
“Yes, my Sir. As thee wish.”
Suddenly, Sir Kearth realized that his companion had disappeared. He whirled around in time to see him snagged up by a dark and sinister creature. Jumping forward grabbing for Elanhil’s ankle, he only succeeded in retrieving the old torn leather boot. Staring up in horror, Sir Kearth saw and learned of what no other man alive had ever seen before. The creature was as large as a tall man, and had the giant wings of a bat. With sharp talons like an eagle, the creature tore young Elanhil in half at the waist. Sir Kearth cried out in terror and agony as the giant bat drank the blood gushing from the wound. He drew his sword out of his sheath. He knew it was hopeless; there was nothing he could do for the brave Elanhil, but watch his limp body being flown away towards the west.
He knew that if it wasn’t for his brave servant, he would have never have made it back to the Eastern Kingdom. The boy was an excellent tracker, and found the eagles when they were lost and needed to cross the Dividing Sea. But now, Kearth knew, he had to complete the quest on his own. He would not stop that night. Even in the eastern kingdom beyond the elvish isle of Voronwё, there was danger to be feared.

I think that might be a little better, but still needs editing.

It's not bad...but I tend to be over-critical sometimes. Is this bat-like thing sentient? (And, just out of curiosity...why is your username the villain in your story? )

It's a good story beginning, and you did pretty good at the show-not-tell thing. Perhaps make the part between where they're talking and where Merashath grabs the younger man a little bit longer? It seemed like it was pretty choppy at that point.

eruheran

Actually I came up with the name for me on the forum and liked it so much that I named 'the bat-like creature,' as he was called before, Merashath.

I agree with you, there needs to be maybe a sentence like, "he un-slung his pack and let it drop to the ground."

How does that flow?

also instead of saying 'his companion had disappeared' I could make it like this 'reaching for his bedroll on his horse, Kearth realized that Elanhil was no longer behind him. He jerked his gaze upwards, hearing a cry from Elanhil'

Is the bat the main villain or is there someone over him that directs him? Why did it kill the servant instead of the master? Also, I think the description is to long to be all in the actual story. You should edit some your description out. I'm assuming there is only one. What does his face look like? Sound's cool.

I'm thinking of making the story a bit longer, and yes, there is only one of him. He can think on his own, but he does do the will of a dark lord (haven't got a name for him yet). He got the servant because he was the one riding the horse, (due to an injury) and Kearth was walking next to it, so that confused Merashath. Merashath can't speak, but he can understand human language. Thanks for all the help!

oh also his face looks similar to a humans, but his eyes are deeper, and he has fangs. I guess he is similar to a vampire, I didn't intend for it though.

Sounds cool!

BTW i'm reworking the plot, the one I had didn't make much sense. And I like Elanhil, so he isn't going to die.

I like it!, Very cool!, I don't know if someone has asked this before but can the Merashath talk, or understand speech, or both?
Ana

He can understand speech, but he can't talk. Because he used to be an elf and got transformed by magic, this makes him very frustrated. He also doesn't have very good hands, only wings with some fingers at the ends, which make him very clumsy with things.