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How does your character deal with stressful conversations? When the argument starts and the stakes are high, what do they do?
Based partly upon the book Crucial Conversations and partly on other works, I have created the following test and guide to understand your Character's Style Under Stress, or their way of dealing with stressful conversations.
There are six tactics that stressed people will use. Masking, Avoiding, and Withdrawing are Silence (or passive) tactics, while Controlling, Labeling, and Attacking are Violence (or aggressive) tactics. The following questions will help you understand which your character uses and what that means.
True/False (From the character's perspective)
1. At times I avoid situations with put me in contact with people I'm having trouble with.
2. I have put off returning emails, or avoided conversations, because I don't want to deal with the other person.
3. When people bring up a touchy or awkward issue, I sometimes try to change the subject.
4. When dealing with an awkward or stressful situation, sometimes I hold back instead of stating my view.
5. Instead of telling people what I think, sometimes I use jokes, sarcasm, or snideness to show people I am frustrated.
6. When I have to say something tough, I offer weak or insincere compliments to soften the blow.
7. Sometimes I exaggerate my side of the argument in order to make my points obvious.
8. If I think I'm losing control of a conversation, I might cut people off or change the subject in order to bring the conversation to where I think it should be.
9. When people say things I think are stupid, I will probably let them know without holding back.
10. When someone says something shocking, sometimes I say something forceful or attacking, like "give me a break!" or "you've got to be joking!"
11. Sometimes, when arguments are really heated, I stop arguing against other peoples points, and things that hurt them personally.
12. I've been known to be tough on people, or insult them or hurt their feelings, during heated arguments.
Diagnose your character:
Each tactic has two questions. Answering "true" to both questions indicates that this is a primary, or common tactic, while answering "true" to only one indicates that this is a secondary tactic, which your character uses during less common, more unique situations, which they have rarely dealt with, or make the feel especially vulnerable.
Withdrawing: A True answer on questions one or two.
Avoiding: A True answer on questions three or four.
Masking: A True answer on questions five or six.
Controlling: A True answer on questions seven or eight.
Labeling: A True answer on questions nine or ten.
Attacking: A True answer on questions eleven or twelve.
Remember, just because these are common resorts of your character does not mean they use them constantly. In fact, they may be quite good at resolving tough conversations, except in one or two relationships where they default to their weaker tendencies.
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I am Ebed Eleutheros, redeemed from slavery in sin to the bond-service of my Master, Jesus Christ.
Redemption is to be purchased, to have a price paid. So I was redeemed from my master sin, and from justice, which demanded my death. For He paid the price of sin by becoming sin, and met the demands of justice by dying for us.
For all men have a master. But a man cannot have two masters. For he will love one and hate the other. You cannot serve God and sin. So I die to the old, as He died, and I am resurrected to the new, as He was resurrected.
Note: Ebed is Hebrew for bondsman, Eleutheros is Greek for unrestrained (not a slave).
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