That rewrite looks good!

I thought the heiress was the MC, but the childhood friend showed up halfway through the logline and made me wonder.

Title: Naiad's Song
Genre: Light fantasy
Logline: A rejected naiad believes that a watery grave is the best escape for the brokenhearted, yet doesn't comprehend the pain she is causing those around her, until her views are challenged when her actions bring her face to face with someone she thought was dead.

That's somewhat better, that it has more of the elements... What do you think?

You had something back before about causing pain to those left behind. Running with that…

A rejected naiad believes that a watery grave is the best escape for the brokenhearted, but she is forced to confront the pain she causes those left behind when her actions bring her face to face with someone she thought was dead.

Maybe?

Good logline friends, I would like to show you my new website! It's the new home of my book(s) and story tips, and if you liked my logline book, you'll want to check out my first blog post, in which I explore loglining a story with a twist: http://fixmystory.com/2012/11/26/lets-do-the-twist/

Everybody, the Kindle edition of my logline book Finding the Core of Your Story is free for the next three days! I'm also holding a giveaway for a $50 Amazon gift card, so follow this handy link for all the details and such: http://fixmystory.com/2012/12/12/findin ... -giveaway/

I encourage you to grab it now while it's free, then come back here bursting with loglines.

You logliners might find these blog posts useful. A list of unproduced Hollywood movies called The Black List includes loglines for each. Many of these loglines could use a run through this thread! So, for your consideration, ten loglines from Hollywood. I did the same kind of things with their loglines as I've been doing with yours. Enjoy!

Part 1: http://fixmystory.com/2013/01/03/loglin ... lack-list/

Part 2: http://fixmystory.com/2013/01/17/more-l ... lack-list/

*immensely enjoyed reading*

As did I.

I've been formulating a plot for my revised series, and I think I have the first book nailed down pretty well, so I'm looking for feedback on the logline. Here it is in present form:

When a prince discovers that an ancient evil may soon be uncovered, he has to race against his enemies, including the rulers of the land and his brother the king, to keep this deadly object of power from the hands that would use it to destroy the world.

Any thoughts? Is it expansive enough? Is the story premise intriguing? Flat out boring? I haven't polished it yet, which is why I'm here.

Here goes me the broken record: Can you give us an adjective for the prince?

Which hands are the ones that would use this object to destroy the world? The rulers and the king?

Logline people, I forgot to post about this. I'm in the planning stages of a new book on loglines, which will be kind of a set of case studies like what we're doing in this thread. The cool thing? I need people to submit their stories for inclusion in my book! See here for details, and submit if it sounds like something you're interested in: http://fixmystory.com/2013/02/27/help-m ... ther-book/

*super-excited*

I sent the form in with one of my stories.

I have sent in the form as well.