I tried to keep this short, but I probably wandered. Anyways, the title says it all: it's a summary of the book I finished but have been totally reworking since. Anyways, I wrote a lot of notes to myself in the summary, so if there's something that seems to pertain specifically to me it's probably just a note I left myself and forgot to take out.

I'm looking for critique, pretty much any flaws in the plot, any ideas that are faulty. Also, I mention different characters pretty frequently, so if you want to look at this thread it kind of clears up who is who

• Rehuan is returning to the Enclave, supposedly with a mysterious package. He is killed.
• The dagger is part of the land-law
• Enclave finds out that the dagger has been re-taken by Srugoz (the villain). Forsvar decides that someone must recover the dagger, or else the land-law will destroy Enderion (the world they are in)
• Zaciré feels responsible to go on the quest to carry on his father's legacy (who died recovering the dagger, remember) Forsvar observes Zaciré and determines he should replace him (develop this) as the helt. Zaciré has been reading the Book of the Ages for a while now.
• Include the part about Forsvar. After Forsvar kills Jon-Âhtan Forsvar runs towards Srugoz with the intention of killing him. Srugoz entrances him and puts him to work for his purposes. It takes Forsvar ten years to break the spell.
• A random girl shows up at the Enclave. No one knows where she came from. Her name is Numaryá. Forsvar takes her in and cares for her. She is actually the random beggar's daughter (but this isn't found out until much later)
• The council summons the entire Enclave and explains the situation
• Zaciré begins preparing for his quest, and two volunteers must go with him on the quest. It's expected that Samsvar and Horsvar, his two best friends, will go with him
• Horsvar refuses the offer to go but Samsvar accepts. The council asks for a second volunteer. Numaryá volunteers, much to Zaciré's anger, and Numaryá accepts (Feeling a need to reconcile herself to the Enclave because she knows that her father was the one who took the dagger)
• Zaciré publicly, in front of the council, promises to kill the man who stole the dagger, if he can find it. (This makes Numaryá inwardly nervous, since she is the guy's daughter)
• The three of them are briefed by Forsvar. He shows them the resting place for the dagger and where they must put it when they returns. Because of lack of time, and he ends up dying, he cannot tell them more, but tells them about an old man on the border between Culvinis and Tarbiyaan, in the mountains, that they must go to.
• Forsvar dies the night before they leave. Zaciré is now the helt.
• The group sets out on their quest to recover the dagger. They pass through the cities of the River Dwarves (Small hints of trouble with Srugoz)
• Just out of the River Dwarves' city, Zaciré is standing watch and is seduced by a beautiful women. He resists temptation. He doesn't believe in God at this point.
• They begin to enter into the wilderness of Nerandia
• In the forest/or just in the wilderness, they are attacked at night. Samsvar is killed and Numaryá and Zaciré must continue on alone.
• Samsvar tries to tell Zaciré and Numaryá something but all they can figure out is that Horsvar knows this info and they must find it out from him. They believe Horsvar is still back at the Enclave so they decide they must keep on and find out this important information later.
• Numaryá and Zaciré are seperated in a sandstorm.
• Zaciré is captured by wolves (modify what is already written)
• Zaciré walks for one day alone
• Zaciré/Numaryá reunite about half way through the desert
• They are chased by the Sand Wolves until the city of Tornak
• At the city of Tornak they get lost. Zaciré starts trusting in something that he calls the Being, but doesn't recognize it as the Son yet.
• Fall in well scene (rewrite from first revision)
• Z/N run into the Shibaar. The Shibaar treat them badly at first but them show them the way to the end of the Nerandian wall, where there is a road heading to Culiavin.
• At {random city} Zaciré gets instructions to the Ancient's house and goes there with Numaryá.
• At the Ancient's house (who in first write was Horlan, the Ancient's brother but now is just a random old man) they say they are from the Enclave. Ancient asks them who sent them, but Forsvar had expressly told them not to mention his name. Wondering why, Zaciré tells their host and he tries to kill them. They must convince him that Forsvar isn't evil, and that they need his help. The spell Srugoz had placed on Forsvar explains this part.
• Numaryá and Zaciré have many interesting conversations, and by both of them knowing parts of the story they eventually together figure this out:
  
  • Random beggar comes to the Enclave. He is sheltered and fed.
  • Random beggar steals dagger. Detail this process a little bit (in writing)
  • Forsvar takes control of the situation. Because Rehuan (Zaciré's father) didn't perform the yearly 'ceremony' (Develop the ceremony) for the dagger, he is punished and forced to go look for the dagger.
• The Ancient sends them on their way, after instructing Zaciré in swordplay. During this time Numaryá practices with her bow.
• The duo head for Culvin, the capital of Culvinis, and there are stopped by some Qalurion soldiers. About this time Srugoz takes control of Culvinis and some parts of Vehonás. Tarbiyaan and Sannahet don't ally with Qaluros.
• The scene about Zaciré killing the soldiers and asking for repentance.
• Journey from Culvin to Zalkor...lots of dialogue between Numaryá and Zaciré (maybe one chapter) about her past and forgiveness. Zaciré counsels her though he's only been a 'believer' for a short time
• After crossing the Qalur river, Zaciré and Numaryá proceed cautiously.
• They encounter the Deelqaaf in the mountains just north of the Qalur river. He gets them past the fortress of Srul safely.
• Just past the Deelqaaf Zaciré and Numaryá are taken prisoner. They are put in seperate cells and kept there for about three months. Little coverage of this scene.
• A mysterious person lets them out. It later turns out to be Horsvar, who is ashamed that he had refused to come earlier. This resolves the mysterious person that had been following them since the beginning of their quest. Horsvar tells them the important bit of news Samsvar had for them: Samsvar unwittingly told the beggar where the room of the dagger was, allowing him to steal it, and has been wracked with guilt since. This explains why Samsvar went on the quest (to repay his past, unknowing, wrong) and also why Horsvar ended up following them (he needed to tell them of Samsvar's deed, plus he felt ashamed he had refused earlier)
• Finding this out obviously shakes Zacirè. It brings back memories of a death he had tried to forget, and shakes his faith in a friend he had believed in since he was little. So in addition to still being shaken in trust by learning that Forsvar was once evil, he is now shaken to learn that his best friend was one of the reasons that his father was killed. Brings up painful memories of Samsvar's death. Scene of Zaciré forgiving Samsvar through prayer (he is a believer at this point, if I'm correct) and conversation with Numaryá (who he has shared a lot with by this time and is one of his closest friends...cliche?)
• The three of them proceed directly towards Poneros-Lar, the capital of Qaluros and where Srugoz has most certainly taken the dagger.
• A little bit of brainstorming dialogue about how to get in...some humor.
• Zaciré decides to try and get in the fortress alone. They knock out a soldier who was lagging behind his patrol and Zaciré takes his clothes, then catches up to the patrol.
• Entering the fortress, Zaciré slips away from the patrol and heads toward the central keep.
• When he is inside the keep, he is discovered and his only way of escape is the staircase directly ahead of him. He begins climbing it.
• Encounters Srugoz. Fights him for a little bit but then Srugoz dissapears. Zaciré continues up the stairs and in the top room finds the dagger.
• Srugoz reappears and Zaciré challenges him that he killed his father. Srugoz replies that Zaciré's father killed himself because he was not authorized to draw the dagger. God killed him, he said.
• This throws Zaciré a curve and he begins doubting God. Srugoz takes the advantage to lunge at Zaciré with a sword thrust.
• They fight for a while and Zaciré is gradually pushed out a second door and up another flight of steps.
• They come out into bright daylight on the very top of the tower. Srugoz's strokes are cutting Zaciré down and he quickly gives way until he is pressed against the very side of the tower, 4 hundred feet in the air, or so. Srugoz draws the dagger and has it pressed against his [Zaciré's] heart.
• The tower begins crumbling because Srugoz has broken the land-law and grabbed the dagger when he is not able to.
• As the tower is destroyed Srugoz vanishes (inexplicably) and Zaciré tries to escape. He has the dagger but thinks he is going to die. The tower begins crumbling and as Zaciré is going down the steps the roof collapses. He is pinned by a rock (or something) and cannot escape. The tower continues its destruction and it is certain that when it falls Zaciré will fall with the rubble to his death.
• A powerful hand takes him and pulls him upwards. He is in a flaming chariot of fire with Jesus Christ (the Son)
• On the chariot ride, the Son explains that the nations of the world still true to Him (the dwarves; the Enclave; what's left of Vehonás; and Sannahet) have assembled to attack Srugoz and his forces. The Tarbiyaan are hired out to Srugoz for gold and plunder after the battle
• On depositing Zaciré with the forces of Good, the Son and his chariot dissapear, and Zaciré begins to doubt again.
• Both armies assemble (lots of talk; especially on the Good side, where the dwarves and the Vehoniáns doubt the Lord, and the Sannahet stands firm. Zaciré listens but does not say anything, because he is doubting inwardly.
• The armies go to battle on the Plains of Culvinis. The Tarbiyaans and the organized Dark Wolves make large inroads into the forces of Good, and the battle is going poorly for them.
• The Shibaar come and make some difference, as does the Deelqaf, until Srugoz unleashes six pheonix that destroy the giant Deelqaf. The Shibaar are also driven back.
• When all hope is lost, the Son of Man comes down in his flaming chariot with thirty legions of angels at his back. And the earth opens up and swallows Srugoz and his men, and the battle is over.
• The heavens and the earth are cast down, and a new world is created. (Heaven) In this place the last chapter or two take place.

So there's the entire summary...All the really long parts of it and everything. By the end of this summer I hope to have the first draft, but I'm not sure if that'll happen. I have the entire first write done (but I'm not proud of it) and it's REALLY bad. So I can't use any of that. And then I've got a few chapters written in the rewrite but Janin totally messed me up by telling me about land-law and I got inspired to tweak the plot yet again. Anyways, better to tweak the plot before I've started writing a lot then when I'm two-thirds through.

eruheran

Wow, that's a lot to digest, I'll post again when I've had a chance to read it a second time!

Wow! That sounds like a GREAT story! I will have to get a copy when you publish it one day

Thanks Lady Terra and Armorbearer! Unfortunately, an outline is all it is right now. I'm kind of working on fractalling my MC (already did my secondary one but my primary one really needs it too) and so I haven't actually really started writing a lot yet. And every time I go forward in the fractal I get another plot twist that I hadn't thought of before. And I've got pieces of chapters floating around on my computer...I'm a mess.

Anyways, if I ever finish the book, y'all will be the first to know and read it

eruheran

Okay, I've read it again. Here are a few questions. Question one: Where chronologically is that part about Forsvar being under a spell? What other part does it play in the story besides getting them attacked by the old guy? Question two: When Zacire is captured by wolves, how does he escape? Question three: the whole thing with Jesus swooping in and saving Zacire seems like a complete deus ex machina, is there any build up or prelude or foreshadowing for that part? One other comment/suggestion. When Forsvar is explaining stuff to them, instead of him saying there isn't enough time, you could have him say to come back in the morning because he isn't feeling well, then when he is dying he could tell them to go to the old man because he can explain the rest. Just some thoughts.

OK, the part about Forsvar being under a spell. In the original write, Zaciré is reading a book and finds out that Forsvar fought in Véhonas' war for independence from Culvinis. That's all. Well, I didn't like that so I changed to the fact that Forsvar fought in the war for independence, charged Srugoz sort of like Orias did the White Witch in Narnia (he got turned to stone! ) and got enchanted, and 'turned evil', so to speak. He comes back to the Enclave after years of being evil and is now good. (I'll explain this more in the actual book, trust me ) It's about the only part it plays in the story, getting them attacked by the old guy. Also, on a more personal level, it shatters some of Zaciré's trust when he finds out that his mentor, whom he respected and looked up to, was also defeated by Srugoz...makes him more aware of the villain's power.

I really like your idea about Forsvar dying suddenly so they HAVE to go off an see the old guy, but there's a few plot elements where I was going to have Forsvar instructing them but then he doesn't finish. A death would be a convenient way to do that. So Forsvar will tell them some of the stuff and then send them to the old guy to find out the rest. (Who tries to kill them because of the above)

It is a deus ex machina. Unfortunately. That's one of the parts I really need help with. When I wrote the original plot when I was thirteen, it was a lot cornier and cheesier, but still included this part. It's still in the new plot, because, well, I can't think of anything else. I know it's lame, but Zaciré is trapped on the top of a tower, Srugoz is a superior swordsman...what happens? And I really want to include stuff from Revelation which is why The Son plays in the last part of the book. So Zacire is saved from the one situation kind of inexplicably (the duel) but then the Son seemingly dumps him to fight the enemy army doubts arise in the leaders (including Zaciré). So more than the quest a lot of the book is how Zaciré's faith in the Son increases and develops.

I know it's cheesy, but are there any other ideas I could use there and still have Zaciré have to go through doubts and stuff about the Son. Basically I used that because the rescue from the duel increases his faith but then when they still have to fight the enemy his faith decreases. And I still want to keep that 'roller-coaster' of faith, so to speak. But it's still cheesy.

eruheran

Maybe you could have something draw Srugoz away before he can land the final blow. Then when Zacire is sitting there, all shaken up and disillusioned because he was defeated, then the Son or an angel could come and minister to him then bring him to the battle and leave him to fight. That would give you a chance to build Zacire's faith in the Son and then have him be a little doubtful because he knows from experience that they cannot defeat Srugoz. It seems a little less like a deus ex machina when you do it that way (at least to me)

Here's an idea for you. I got it when you said he draws the dagger to kill Z.? Is he crazy?

Balin wanted to kill this invisible knight who'd murdered a friend of his. The only place he knew the knight would be visible was at a feast given by King Pelinore. Weapons were expressly forbidden. Balin smuggles a weapon in and kills the Invisible Knight. Pelinore is so outrages he attempts to kill Balin who runs from room to room looking for something to fight with until he comes to the uppermost part of the castle. He bursts into the room and has a vague impression of peace but it's immediately shattered by the sight of a spear hanging on the wall. He reaches out to take it and a voice immediately forbids him to do so, telling him he's not worthy. But at that moment King Pelinore enters the room. He had kind of forgotten about this room, and now he falls to his knees in wonder. Balin doesn't notice and stabs him with the spear. The castle falls into ruins and the remains get kind of trapped in some kind of time-space continuum...

Whatever. The spear was the companion to the Holy Grail, the one that had actually stabbed the Christ to see if he was really dead. The tower was destroyed because of Balin's sacrilege. What if you did something similar? We already know about the dagger's self-protection measures, when the S-villain, (sorry, I'm really bad with all these names at once, ) draws the dagger he goes to far. The tower collapses into rubble. Of course, everyone escapes in order to fight the final battle, but you could still have the Son or angels or whatever, come help Z-hero out of the rubble and explain what happened and that there's still a war to fight, and whatever. We'd also get to see the repercussions of the dagger, which seems to be a rather passive object considering it's value...

I see what you mean, but it does seem a little unrealistic...I mean, Srugoz is fighting the guy that is holding the dagger that is the culmination of all of Srugoz's plans...how would he be drawn away? Perhaps a diversion attack by the Forces of Good on Srugoz's castle? Still, I don't see how Srugoz could be drawn away from Zaciré. I do agree with you, though, that does seem a little less...cheesy.

That way his faith could still be shaken though, when the Son doesn't appear to help them in the battle.

eruheran

Or you could have something like an eagle (Yes, I know, that's corny too.) fly up and save him from the duel, and then, when the 'thing' puts him down he changes to a lamb or a lion(that seems appropriate, the LION of Judah, and the LAMB of God) and tells Zacire that he (the lamb or lion) is the son, and then tells him that he must fight, but that he was with them, and they would win because he was on their side.

You know what, you just pointed out a flaw in my story. In my story, when R-scout (:D) draws the dagger to attack his pursuers, he's killed because he's not authorized to use it. So logically Srugoz wouldn't be able to draw it either. That's very true.



Balin...like the dwarf in Lord of the Rings? LOL. I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about here, but anyways, I get your point.

I see your idea for repercussions. So when Balin sacrileged the tower it destroyed itself because of the power the spear held. (Object-law?) So Srugoz takes the dagger from Zaciré in the battle (since he's better with a sword) and is about to kill Zaciré when the consequences of the dagger kick in. The tower begins collapsing, and Srugoz, because he is more interested in his long-term survival then a short-term battle. So Zaciré doesn't actually get rescued from the battle but is more taken away from the destruction of the city. Right?

eruheran

That's an even better idea! I like it.

Right.
It's King Arthur, the Legend of Balin and Balan. AKA, how the Holy Grail got lost in the first place. Has nothing whatsoever to do with LotR. I didn't even know there was a dwarf named Balin....
The tower was destroyed by God/Angels/Land-law, whatever, because he desecrated it. Your tower is also destroyed by the same forces because he desecrated it by touching the dagger. I think Aladdin might have had something like that too... (This place is cursed. Touch such and such magical object and the curse is fulfilled by the place falling down around your heads, hopefully killing you, but if you're the MC you'll get out alive. Somehow.)

So he's carried away from the destruction, rather than being rescued, and since he's not being rescued, being carried away is no longer Deus ex Machina. (sp?) (correct?)

Ah, King Arthur (should have guessed ) Yes, Balin was one of the dwarves that went with Bilbo, he also re-colonized Moria, and the Fellowship find him dead in Fellowship of The Ring...the Balrog killed him, I think.

Anyways, back on topic. I see. Srugoz leaves because the tower is crumbling, and Zaciré is rescued not from the duel but from the destruction of the tower. Still seems a little D-E-M to me...oh well, better than what I had. I should update the original summary to reflect this. Thanks guys!

eruheran

There's great precedence for towers crumbling. In "The Hero and the Crown" the tower falls down when the bad guy is defeated. In "Hapist in the wind" the tower falls down when the good guy dies. (The really weird thing about both aforementioned towers is that they both had unending staircases... In one a goddess climbed it for eternity and in the other a slightly more intelligent MC realized it was a spell of illusion and broke it... whatever.) In the Legend of Balin and Balan the tower falls down, (the whole castle actually,) when he touched a sacred object. (divine intervention.) In one of the versions of Aladdin the underground passages come crumbling down when he touches the lamp. (It's cursed.) I'm sure that various Mayan temples have collapsed upon archaeological MC's somewhere in the universe. Actually, buildings crumbling as the results of some kind of curse can be seen all over the Arabian Nights.

So. Bring the tower down. (He doesn't have to be rescued from it falling down, he can be rescued from the rubble having somehow miraculously survived. If Aladdin and Balin can do it, so can Z. )

Ah, crumbling buildings...I'm liking the idea more as I think about it. I'm also going to update the original summary (Like I said before but didn't do)

eruheran

OK guys, I'll throw my next curve-ball at you all

• When all hope is lost, the Son of Man comes down in his flaming chariot with thirty legions of angels at his back. And the earth opens up and swallows Srugoz and his men, and the battle is over.
• The heavens and the earth are cast down, and a new world is created. (Heaven) In this place the last chapter or two take place.

This still seems very D-E-M (I'll probably misspell it anyways) but I want it to capture Revelation since it is, inexplicably, that the Armies of Good are victorious. Perhaps a variant of the land-law that whenever the dagger is recovered from the thief who stole it, the thief's domain would be destroyed? Sort of like something that is bound in the dagger?

It seems like I'm turning to land-law to solve all my plot weaknesses...at least it's not a cliché

eruheran

Your ending is a very thinly veiled allegory of an actual (yet to take place) event. That's what you're building up to. That's the purpose and climax of the whole book. If the world is going to destroyed you're going to need the creator himself to step in and destroy it. Maybe they don't realize what's going on at first and think they've lost until they wake up in heaven.... or something.

If that's the way it happens in Revelation, and Revelation is what you're drawing from, then that's really the way you want to do it. Just portray it in a way that doesn't appear D-E-M.

I like that idea...they think they've lost until they realize they're in heaven. Hmm, I'll have to think on this last part still to make it work... *puts on thinking cap*

eruheran

You don't have to have the earth swallow them up, you can do like in Revelation 19:11-21 "11I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. 12His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. 13He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. 14The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. 15Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. "He will rule them with an iron scepter."[a] He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. 16On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:
KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

17And I saw an angel standing in the sun, who cried in a loud voice to all the birds flying in midair, "Come, gather together for the great supper of God, 18so that you may eat the flesh of kings, generals, and mighty men, of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, small and great."

19Then I saw the beast and the kings of the earth and their armies gathered together to make war against the rider on the horse and his army. 20But the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who had performed the miraculous signs on his behalf. With these signs he had deluded those who had received the mark of the beast and worshiped his image. The two of them were thrown alive into the fiery lake of burning sulfur. 21The rest of them were killed with the sword that came out of the mouth of the rider on the horse, and all the birds gorged themselves on their flesh." Jesus is totally awesome, he destroys Satan's army with the "sword from his mouth". This could be an actual sword, or some say it could be a single word that he speaks. Either way, Jesus can just totally destroy his enemies single-handedly.

OK, everyone, I'm dedicating myself to writing a lot this weekend at the beginning and I'm also going to completely think over this ending part. I'll let you know when I'm done!

eruheran

I thought it would be useful for me to detail each specific strand that I weave into the complete plot (the list at the beginning of this thread). So here goes:

• Zaciré Strand
  Zaciré is the rich son of Rehuan, the former helt of the Enclave. He goes on the quest because he feels a need to continue his father's work. Zaciré believes that it was through his father's carelessness that the dagger was stolen (it wasn't) so feels a little bit ashamed of his father when he thinks he figures this out. He still loved his father deeply, which is another reason he began the quest.
  
  
  • Zacire Trust Strand
    Twice throughout the plot Zacire's trust is severely shaken when he finds out about past deeds of his friends. After Forsvar has died he finds out that Forsvar was once evil, and while under the evil of Srugoz, performed his wishes. The second time his trust is shaken is when Horsvar tells him that Samsvar had assisted the beggar (albeit unknowingly) in stealing the dagger. Two of his closest friends had once started to unravel the very world he was trying to 're-ravel'.
    
  • Zacire Religion Strand
    Zacire, at the beginning of the book, does not believe in a god, but by the end has accepted the Creator into his heart. This strand also serves as an option for Zacire and Numarya to have many conversations about her faith and faith in general, drawing them closer together as friends.
• Numaryá Strand
  She is the secondary main character, and accompanies Zaciré on the quest because her father was the one who originally stole the dagger in the first place. She feels a need to make up for her father's past wrong, as well. She knows, however, that Zaciré's father was not responsible for the loss of the dagger (though she doesn't know of Samsvar's mistake), and looks up to Rehuan (Zaciré's father) as a noble man, whom she contrasts with her father, who abused her and whom she hates. In reality her father died as soon as he touched the dagger. Srugoz himself came, removed the beggar's body, and took the dagger himself (he did not touch it, therefore lived).
  
  
  • Numarya Trust Strand
    Numarya, after her father abandoned her, and left her for dead, has a lot of trouble growing close to others and trusting them (this causes some 'growing pains' in her and Zacire's relationship). She is not as affected by the death of Samsvar but is traumatized by the death of Forsvar, who had become like a second father to her.
• Dagger Strand
  Originally the main strand of the plot, I'm trying to make the first two more crucial and this one less so. The dagger is stolen from the Enclave and that is what causes Zaciré and Numaryá to embark on their quest. Tied up in the dagger is a variant of land-law that decrees that the world will start to come to an end when someone other than a helt holds guardianship of the dagger. Srugoz takes the dagger and the world begins to decay slowly. It is up to Zacire and Numarya to stop him.
  
• Forsvar Strand
  While under the tutelage of the Ancient, in Culvinis, Zacire and Numarya find out more about Forsvar's past, and that he was once under the power of Srugoz, and worked to defeat the Creator. This obviously, shakes Zacire's and Numarya's trust in their mentor and causes internal doubts in Zacire.
  
• Samsvar/Horsvar Strand
  This is definitely a sub-strand. Samsvar unwittingly, on a tour of the Enclave, told the beggar where the dagger was housed, and noted his interest in it, but did not tell this to anyone. He feels that he is responsible for the loss of the dagger. It was this, and not Rehuan's carelessness in performing the Ceremony (which he actually had performed) that caused the dagger to be stolen.
  
  Horsvar knows of this, which is why he follows the quest-ers in secret, partly because he was ashamed that he had publicly refused to accompany them, and partly because he needed to tell them Samsvar's secret.
  
• Rehuan Strand
  It was thought by Zaciré that the only reason the beggar had been able to steal the dagger was because Rehuan had been late in performing the Ceremony (similar to Old Testament sacrifices). In reality, Rehuan had performed the Ceremony, yet the Creator had allowed it to be stolen, and Samsvar's error was the true reason that the Dagger had been stolen.
  
• Numaryá's Father Strand
  Though he isn't in the story at all, directly, her father had a large part in why Numarya accompanied Zacire on the quest. His abuse of her made her angry at her father and eager to right the wrongs that he caused to be started.
  
• Zacire/Numarya Relationship
  Sort of toying with this one. In the original version (which was really bad) Zaciré and Numaryá always 'liked' each other except Zaciré went off on his quest alone. Numaryá stayed at the Enclave, there was no relationship development, and they were married in heaven. Lame. I really want to develop their relationship, but I also want to portray the big differences in their pasts and the cultural differences they have. So I made it so that they really dislike each other in the beginning. Then, throughout the book, as more of each other's past is unraveled, they find out more about each other and their emotions that are wrapped up in their fathers' deeds. And they become close friends. That is unavoidable. But what about the romance? If I were to include it, it would be better developed than the first version, but it still seems cliche and lame. Thoughts?
  
• Srugoz's Past
  I'm toying with the idea of Srugoz having been a former helt or a helt in training, but that sounds too much like Star Wars. Or he could have been Rehuan's brother. "No Zaciré, I am your uncle." Noooo! Anyways, I'm still toying with the possibility of that plot idea. But it would have to be done right so as not to be cliche.

What do you think? This is basically the same plot as the first one I posted, but not chronologically and in a 'strands' format.

eruheran

I second Evening's opinion on the romance part for this story.
I can't wait to read it once you write it! *the "bloodthirsty hound" makes puppy eyes* Will you add me to the list of first to know, please? Pretty please?

@Evening: My thoughts exactly...(like I said, I'm leery of doing it )

@Shawn: It's already on chapter 4...check out story excerpts. It's just not as 'interesting' as Eruheran/Dorodhiel.

eruheran

Will do, Cap'n!

Wow! Lots to read.

I'm with Evening, leave out the romance if nothing can ever come of it.