I think it's great! But I believe it's 'foreword', not 'foreward'. Maybe. I don't know for certain.
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| Foreword https://archive.holyworlds.org/viewtopic.php?f=169&t=7936 |
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 15th, 2013, 12:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Foreword |
I wrote it, finally! Thoughts? *gnaws lip nervously* I want to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a young man who, in the rashness and rebelliousness of youth, made a mistake. Six years later in new surroundings and striving to make the world a better place that mistake finally caught up with him. He is now serving a five year sentence in a correctional facility in Washington state, far from his friends, family, and the ministry he worked so hard to create. Prison is a brutal reality of our society. It's a system we have created and that—indirectly--we support, but most of the time we pretend it doesn't exist. It's a socially unacceptable topic. To have a friend or a relative in prison is social stigma we are urged to conceal. Christ said “I was hungry, and you fed me. I was naked, and you clothed me. I was in prison, and you visited me,” but so many Christians overlook that last bit. Charities exist to feed the poor, to clothe the naked, to educate children, but so sure is our faith in the American justice system that no pity is extended to the prisoners. If they're incarcerated it must be because they deserve it; but don't the poor deserve to starve as well? Justice, Hope, and Honor is a message I want to send to the convicts of America. This anthology is our ministry to the unfortunates now serving their sentences far from their friends, families, and homes. To everyone who dreams of their day of release I have a promise, a prayer, and an admonishment. A promise that justice will be served, even if it is never meted out until after the grave. For God is just, he sees all, and he never forgets. A prayer that your hope will never die, even in the darkest moment, when it seems there will never be a chance for reprieve. An admonishment that you will keep your honor, that you will serve with dignity; that you will never let your tattered faith be taken from you. For the guilty, for the innocent, for those who wait—these are the heralds of courage. May they stay with you always. |
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| Author: | Cain [ June 15th, 2013, 1:04 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreward |
I think it's great! But I believe it's 'foreword', not 'foreward'. Maybe. I don't know for certain.
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| Author: | Suiauthon Mimetes [ June 15th, 2013, 1:13 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreward |
It's great.  I've only got one comment: Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: A promise that justice will be served, even if it is never meted out until after the grave. For God is just, he sees all, and he never forgets.
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 15th, 2013, 1:30 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
No, Renna, you're correct. I thought I typed it in correctly, but apparently my fingers and my brain don't always agree.  Just keep saying that, eventually it will get through to us all.
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| Author: | Rachel Newhouse [ June 15th, 2013, 7:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
I love this except for this paragraph: Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: Justice, Hope, and Honor is a message I want to send to the convicts of America. This anthology is our ministry to the unfortunates now serving their sentences far from their friends, families, and homes. To everyone who dreams of their day of release I have a promise, a prayer, and an admonishment. I wouldn't use the word "unfortunates." It's condescending, and that's precisely what you don't want to come off as. You also keep switching person in this paragraph ("our ministry," "I have")--keep it about "us," not "you." Also, ideally He should be capitalized when used in reference to God. You'll also want a proofreader to go over this; mostly I just noticed that you're misusing semicolons, which I know is a thing.  But otherwise I truly love this. Great wording and approach.
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| Author: | BushMaid [ June 16th, 2013, 12:34 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Overall message I give the thumbs up, but technically what Philly said. ^ Great work, Katie.
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| Author: | Mistress Kidh [ June 16th, 2013, 1:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Lt. General Hansen wrote: I wouldn't use the word "unfortunates." It's condescending, and that's precisely what you don't want to come off as. * nods * On the same or similar note, perhaps Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: that you will never let your tattered faith be taken from you. should leave out the 'tattered'? * tilts head * I mean...it's ok, in a way, but...I don't know. It just seemed...slightly presumptuous.This is really good. 
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 16th, 2013, 9:12 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
What I find amusing here is that no one is finding any problems with the paragraph I thought had issues. Version 2: I want to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a young man who, in the rashness and rebelliousness of youth, made a mistake. Six years later in new surroundings and striving to make the world a better place that mistake finally caught up with him. He is now serving a five year sentence in a correctional facility in Washington state, far from his friends, family, and the ministry he worked so hard to create. Prison is a brutal reality of our society. It's a system we have created and that—indirectly--we support, but most of the time we pretend it doesn't exist. It's a socially unacceptable topic. To have a friend or a relative in prison is social stigma we are urged to conceal. Christ said “I was hungry, and you fed me. I was naked, and you clothed me. I was in prison, and you visited me,” but so many Christians overlook that last bit. Charities exist to feed the poor, to clothe the naked, to educate children, but so sure is our faith in the American justice system that no pity is extended to the prisoners. If they're incarcerated it must be because they deserve it; but don't the poor deserve to starve as well? Justice, Hope, and Honor is the message we want to send to the convicts of America. This anthology is our ministry to those now serving their sentences far from their friends, families, and homes. To everyone who dreams of their day of release we have a promise, a prayer, and an admonishment. A promise that justice will be served, even if it is never meted out until after the grave. For God is just, He sees all, and He never forgets. A prayer that your hope will never die, even in the darkest moment, when it seems there will never be a chance for reprieve. An admonishment that you will keep your honor, that you will serve with dignity; that no matter how tattered your faith may be you will never let them take it from you. For the guilty, for the innocent, for those who wait—these are the heralds of courage. May they stay with you always. |
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| Author: | Suiauthon Mimetes [ June 16th, 2013, 9:03 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
*gets fine tooth comb* Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: Six years later in new surroundings and striving to make the world a better place that mistake finally caught up with him. This sentence is grammatically awkward. How about this?Quote: Six years later, while striving to make the world a better place in his new surroundings, that mistake finally caught up with him. Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: He is now serving a five year sentence in a correctional facility in Washington state, far from his friends, family, and the ministry he worked so hard to create. The comma in red made me stumble a bit, but it's technically correct, I think, since the succeeding part of the sentence is parenthetical in nature. I feel horrible for using a run-on sentence as I'm editing, but I can't think of a way to put that in proper English. Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: It's a system we have created and that—indirectly--we support, but most of the time we pretend it doesn't exist. Your dashes' formatting are different.Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: Christ said, “I was hungry, and you fed me. I was naked, and you clothed me. I was in prison, and you visited me,” but so many Christians overlook that last bit. Red comma should be included.Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: Charities exist to feed the poor, to clothe the naked, and to educate children, but so sure is our faith in the American justice system that no pity is extended to the prisoners. Red "and" should be in here.Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: An admonishment that you will keep your honor, that you will serve with dignity; and that no matter how tattered your faith may be you will never let them take it from you. Semi-colon should be a comma and "and" should be included.Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: For the guilty, for the innocent, and for those who wait—these are the heralds of courage. Technically the "and" should be there, although I see how you would want it the way it is.Also, I notice quite a few contractions. Do you want to use them? |
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| Author: | Aragorn [ June 16th, 2013, 10:34 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: ...so sure is our faith in the American justice system that no pity is extended to the prisoners. If they're incarcerated it must be because they deserve it; but don't the poor deserve to starve as well? The latter line seems a bit harsh. As to the former line, "little pity" would be more fitting that "no pity," since there are some prison ministries, and my church supports one. The rest of it looks good.
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 17th, 2013, 8:54 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
See, that's the paragraph I didn't like. I'll go tackle these changes later today. |
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 19th, 2013, 5:21 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Version 3: I want to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a young man who, in the rashness and rebelliousness of youth, made a mistake. Six years later, while striving to make the world a better place in his new surroundings, that mistake finally caught up with him. He is now serving a five year sentence in a correctional facility in Washington state, far from his friends, family, and the ministry he worked so hard to create. Prison is a brutal reality of our society. It's a system we have created and that—indirectly—we support, but most of the time we pretend it doesn't exist. It's a socially unacceptable topic. To have a friend or a relative in prison is social stigma we are urged to conceal. Christ said, “I was hungry, and you fed me. I was naked, and you clothed me. I was in prison, and you visited me,” but so many Christians overlook that last bit. Charities exist to feed the poor, to clothe the naked, and to educate children, but so sure is our faith in the American justice system that little pity is extended to the prisoners. If they're incarcerated it must be because they deserve it; but since when are Christians in the habit of getting what they deserve? Justice, Hope, and Honor is the message we want to send to the convicts of America. This anthology is our ministry to those now serving their sentences far from their friends, families, and homes. To everyone who dreams of their day of release we have a promise, a prayer, and an admonishment. A promise that justice will be served, even if it is never meted out until after the grave. For God is just, He sees all, and He never forgets. A prayer that your hope will never die, even in the darkest moment, when it seems there will never be a chance for reprieve. An admonishment that you will keep your honor, that you will serve with dignity, and that no matter how tattered your faith may be you will never let them take it from you. For the guilty, for the innocent, for those who wait—these are the heralds of courage. May they stay with you always. ** That sentence: "If they're incarcerated it must be because they deserve it; but since when are Christians in the habit of getting what they deserve?" Still doesn't feel right to me. I'm not sure if what I said makes sense or not. The other version is "But don't we all deserve to die?" which doesn't feel right either. I'm taking suggestions. |
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| Author: | Airianna Valenshia [ June 19th, 2013, 7:29 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
No, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!! That sentence is wonderful, Katie! You must leave it! I had several reservations about the first draft, but by the time I got to the third they were all gone. I love this foreword. It's perfect.
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| Author: | Aragorn [ June 20th, 2013, 1:00 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
I like it, though I agree that sentence you mentioned could perhaps be made better somehow. I'm just not sure how... |
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| Author: | Suiauthon Mimetes [ June 20th, 2013, 1:19 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: Christ said: “I was hungry, and you fed me. I was naked, and you clothed me. I was in prison, and you visited me,” but so many Christians overlook that last bit. The colon should be a comma.Constable Jaynin Mimetes wrote: For the guilty, for the innocent; for those who wait—these are the heralds of courage. Not including the "and" isn't fixed by using a semicolon (semicolons do not imply "and"s anymore than commas do). The comma needs to come back in place of the semicolon.
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 20th, 2013, 8:30 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
* looks around for another grammar nazi * Could I get a second opinion, please? Because I disagree with Mark.
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| Author: | Mistress Kidh [ June 20th, 2013, 8:45 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
* raises hand * Mark is right. The colon would be correct if there was no clause after the end of the quotation, but in this case, it is not correct (and even if it is correct, it feels awkward). The semi-colon where you have it separates the guilty and the innocent from those who wait and creates a conundrum by implying that the book is only for those who wait, not for the other two.
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| Author: | Politician de Paz [ June 20th, 2013, 11:08 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
I think Katie is trying to say that the innocent and the guilty are those who wait. I'm no grammar fanatic, so I don't know if that means it should stay the same or not. |
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| Author: | Mistress Kidh [ June 20th, 2013, 1:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Politician de Paz wrote: I think Katie is trying to say that the innocent and the guilty are those who wait. That does make more sense. But I wouldn't have guessed that was what she was trying to say. I'm not quite sure she was, still.... I think the sentence could do with a tweak somewhere.
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 20th, 2013, 2:11 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
I've always thought that a semi colon is an acceptable replacements for , and. If you don't want an and then use a semi-colon in place of the comma and grammar nazis will frown, but you can get away with it. And I don't want an and because it messes with the flow. |
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| Author: | Suiauthon Mimetes [ June 20th, 2013, 2:38 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
A semicolon can replace an ", and" only in the case of joining two independent clauses. Serial commas can't be replaced with a semicolon. Instead you can do it this way. Quote: For the guilty, for the innocent, for those who wait—these are the heralds of courage. It's not technically correct grammar, but as a reader, I'll let it pass because of the effect you're attempting to create. As an editor, I'll flag it, but let it pass.
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 23rd, 2013, 10:32 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Okay, fine. * grumbles * I concede the commas. Third version is updated. |
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| Author: | Constable Jaynin Mimetes [ June 23rd, 2013, 10:38 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
Quote: If they're incarcerated it must be because they deserve it; but since when are Christians in the habit of getting what they deserve? Here's the issue with this sentence. It takes a serious leap of tense. "It must be because they deserve it" "habit of getting what they deserve" Sort of feels like one is saying that that the first they and the second they are the same they, and thus the prisoners are Christians, and since Christians aren't in the habit of getting what they deserve prisoners aren't either. Which is clearly not what I'm saying, and the gist comes through, but from a grammatical standpoint it's a whirlwind of confusion! So I want to say the same thing, but I want it to make sense. And I want it to be short and concise, but not wide open to confusion. |
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| Author: | Lady Vilisse Mimetes [ June 24th, 2013, 6:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Foreword |
As a note to all, I need this text finalized by tomorrow or Wednesday. That means I need it to be posted here with all of the edits completed so I can just copy and paste it into the layout. *starts timer* |
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