Here is a darker poem. It is about Brogkokging (single and plural are the same), a people whose parts can move independently, so they continue to fight when they are cut to pieces.
This is a song that begins towards the end of a battle of men against an army of the Brogkokging, a battle which the men think they have won.
I wrote it a long time ago. Critique, I pray you.

Then a thought darkened Ocruins brow,
Fighting freakish, flight foreseen, deaths ornaments brandished.
Neighing near, knights for naught driving for to gain.
Sword shining, spear striving, drunken feasts grand;
Stricken sore, stretching, severed, malice seething there;
Ripped, so reaching, rising, so returning, morning sees them:
Long, lonely limbs, foot, claw, head;
Writhing wraiths, working war, fear climbed from Hades.
Tickling, tearing, tokens of terror need they none.
Heaving out holes, horrific the host now that nears.
Very vanity, vain the victory, riving faery bodies.
Toes of tyranny turning tear: really fearful Brogkokging.



~
What do you think?

Which parts interested you the most? Did anything confuse you (or everything)? Do you have any questions? Do you have any ideas for changes?

Did it remind you of anything? Did it give you any ideas? Did it remind you of anything you have read before?

Critique I pray you!

Critique I shall!


I couldn't help thinking and wanting to know what happened before? What is the before this? Using "then" for the opening word makes me stumble, because I feel like I'm missing the beginning. I would suggest using a different word
Deaths ornaments brandished. I like that

I would cut the second "for" and just leave it as Knights for naught, driving to gain.

Nothing for this one!

Oh! I like that!

I really like the picture you paint with this line. Beautiful. The dark sky ripping like a curtain, light reaching out it's arms, rising higher, returning once again, the sun has risen.

Noting for these!

So cool! I love the rhythm! Very cool! But who/what is Brogkokging? And How do you pronounce that? Is it just Brog-cock-ing?

I like dark poetry XD

Good job. I like what you did with this!

God bless,
Bethany

Thank you Lady Bethany!

Yay!

Close: it is Brog kok ging. It sounds Chinese in structure, though not in the sounds it uses. It is almost based off of a sound, a halting, guttural sound.

The poem describes them best, and I will try to point out where it does, because it is not very clear in this early writing.

Yes, my reason for beginning it with "then" is that the chant begins in a battle that is towards its end (hence "drunken feasts grand"). The chant begins when the thought of what is about to happen begins.

But this is supposed to be implied by the poem, and I am not very good yet at implying things, and I was even less good when I wrote this.

Yes, this is where it starts to describe the Brogkokging. I think the main problem is that I should have said that this is at the end of a battle of men against an army of the Brogkokging. That should make things clearer, so I shall go edit.

This was for the meter, like so:
Knights for naught, driving to gain.
Knights for naught, driving for to gain.

And the construction "for to" is an old construction, which I love, though most people today would be unfamiliar with it.

Here it is the Brogkokging that are stricken sore and severed, yet malice seethes there.

Oh, I think I really messed this one up. You see, I was actually describing the army...

The Brogkokging were ripped apart, but they began to reach out, and rise, and return, and the sun sees them stirring in the dawn. I wanted the sense of a terrible spectacle while the knights are oblivious to it.

This is when the knights had thrown the bodies into pits, and the bodies were climbing out again.

It was vain to rive the bodies of the Brogkokging, because their severed parts continue to move, like a newt, which was actually one of the things that inspired this. The original idea was that the Brogkokging was a sort of faery. I had a different idea of faeries, I know.

One thing that was not mentioned in the poem is that the Brogkokging has a very short blood spurt before it seals, or, perhaps better, the Brogkokging has no blood at all, which was one of my original ideas. Or the blood is hardened inside their body, rather than flowing.

So, other than however the behavior of their blood affects their looks (and I am not sure how far that affects them, it probably varies a good deal), other than that, they look like ordinary people.

So, what do you think now? Does this make any unanswered questions?

Okay - Very cool! That helps


Thanks! You covered it quite well in your response.



No, that's fine! I get it now. I do a tone of multitasking when on the computer, and I'm pretty sure I was do five other things while reading this poem, so you probably did do a good job, I was just not giving this my full attention and for that I apologize.

Yes, this is where it starts to describe the Brogkokging. I think the main problem is that I should have said that this is at the end of a battle of men against an army of the Brogkokging. That should make things clearer, so I shall go edit.



Interesting. I guess I need to familiarize myself with that a bit more. I don't know a tone about poetry, so I'm not all that familiar with different rhythms and constructions. That's good to know though; it gives me a clearer understanding of how hat stanza works.


Oh no!! I'm so sorry!! Gah! *Fist/palm* Oh man! I'm really sorry! I'm an artsy kind of person and so I think whenever I can make words fit pictures in my mind then I immediately make them way more beautiful then they're often supposed to be.

I am so sorry! I totally understand though. I reread it and it makes sense. My bad.



Ooh! Cool Dark and creepy, but cool.

It was vain to rive the bodies of the Brogkokging, because their severed parts continue to move, like a newt, which was actually one of the things that inspired this. The original idea was that the Brogkokging was a sort of faery. I had a different idea of faeries, I know.

That's okay, most people I know have twisted views of faeries



Okay, that's neat! I never think things through that much, but it's good to see that some people do! Very cool



Nope! No more questions

I just reread it and now that I know a bit more about the situation everything makes perfect sense! Great job! I really like it, even though it is dark and slightly twisted

God bless,
Bethany

*sits down and cwies: waaa * Thank you for the questions! Do you have any ideas? Did it remind you of anything you have read before?

Slightly twisted? Yes, it was not written for "fun", it is good as far as it is dark and twisted; it would be dark and twisted for some one to see this as not dark and twisted.